Jake from State Farm's blog: "Stories"

We walk towards the look out. I point out the various points of interest "Do you see that string of street lights? That's Dimond, if you follow it far enough, you'll see The Hideaway Club."

Years ago when parents first moved here, we stayed at grandmother's in her basement. My parents were drinkers and she wasn't for grandmother was a "saved-again-christian" who watched the PTL Club faithfully. She has plants galore and sleepy air. When sitting in her living room, it made you very relaxed and you ended up sleeping no matter what. Since no alcohol was allowed in her house, they went looking for the nearest bar, which was the Hideaway Club. They walked in and made friends with the bartender/owner. Come closing time they asked my parents if they wanted to stay. The answer was yes, so the owner locked the door and stopped charging and they got politely drunk.

That was over 30 years ago and now parents are both gone and so was the original owners. When I got my freak inheritance, I bought the bar and kept the staff on for they know what they're doing.

"The first time I came here was years ago when I was in summer camp. 10? 11? Anyways, younger than I am today and we climbed to the smaller hill next to Flattop and had picnic there. Which is over there. The bigger, more adventurous campers climbed the mountain while we waited. I didn't climb it until next year. Coming down, some fool knocked loose a rock and barely missed my head by 4 inches. I felt it whiz by."

"What brings you to Alaska? I hope you didn't come up here to 'Live off the Land'? If you are, Anchorage is a poor place to start."

"Nothing of the sort, after college I decided I got tired of the desert heat and wanted a climate change. I was a fan of 'Northern Exposure' and thoroughly loved 'Into the Wild' and seen some movies that were filmed here. I had to experience it for myself."

"Ah...well what do you think of it so far? If you noticed, we don't have counties but burroughs and the Natives don't throw tomatoes at white folk on Thanksgiving."

"Yes, I figured most of the storyline in Northern Exposure was all Hollywood. I heard it was filmed in some small town in Washington state. Wasn't there a brief television series set here in Anchorage, it aired on Fox back when it first started."

"Yea, I seen maybe three episodes, they tried for the whole 'we both dig each other but we're in relationships right now and won't be able to do anything about our romantical hunches' one scene that sticks out is the lead character tells roommates why he's late coming home. there was a bear blocking traffic on Denali street. Almost believeable. We do have 300 black bears here in our town. They travel miles for the fish in the local creeks. But they travel at night and just along the creeks, so most of the city don't see them but every so often you'd see bear scat. The moose population is bigger, 300 year round residents and in wintertime, it jumps up to 1,200."

"I've seen a couple of moose since I been here. I been mainly getting my store ready and haven't been paying attention to anything else. Starting your own business from scratch is exhausting. Filling out paperwork left and right, trying to build inventory. From mixers, double boilers, candy thermometers, food wrappers, refrigerators, freezers, liquid chocolate pumps, which was difficult to find. The internet is good for something other than surfing for free porn. Then looking for space big enough for my business, one thing I've noticed about Anchorage, there are few chocolatiers so business should prosper."

"What do your parents think of your new business?"

"Oh, they're the ones who gave me seed money to start it. They knew I have a thing for everything chocolate. When I was younger, we used to go to state fairs and I've seen one food booth with chocolate covered frozen bananas. I totally loved it and did my best to recreate at home and then I was hooked. Melting the chocolate was difficult if you don't know the tricks. I burned many batches before I knew about double boilers. Then it was all about research, buying every cookbook I could find. The available chocolate  products are all processed with man-made chemicals and tastes nasty. I'm making my own chocolate from scratch. I buy whole organic cocoa beans and process it myself. Everything is fresh and organic. A little expensive and I don't think it'll last very long but I love it."

"Since we're taking the scenic route. Tell me your life story, Siren." I ask.

"Well, it started many moons ago, before telephones had answering machines and mom was having her first child. Dad got drunk the night before and still half lit when she informed him "It's time." Dad replied "Of course it's time. I'm dry woman, where's my beer?"

"No, you drunken idiot. My water broke."

"Well, let me get Bubba on the phone, he'll come by and fix it." he slurs. My mom smacked him upside the head "No, your baby is on the way and we need to get to the hospital."
"Oh Shit!" And he was running around the trailer like a chicken without a head! He couldn't find his shoes and then forgot mom when he took off in the car. Came back sheepishly. They barely made it and I was almost dropped in ER."

Enthralled in the story, I ask if that was true. She replies. "No, not really. I was given up for adoption and I don't know who my parents are. But my adopted parents were always loving and supportive of me. When I was about 8 they told me the truth about being adopted. They sat me down and told me about wolf families. How they closely relate to humans about parenting and puppies without parents. They bought me the book "Never Cry Wolf" about a guy who studied wolves in Canada. It was very indepth and taught me a lot. In the end the wolf parents were killed but the Inuit hunters told the scientist not to worry about the wolf puppies. They wouldn't be uncared for. Some wolves would come by and adopt them and raise them as their own. They told me 'We do not know where you come from. We love you still the same. You are in our hearts.' I am lucky to have them as parents."

Letting this sink in, we pull onto Upper Huffman. I tell her "Well, you see that crest? That is top of Gravity Hill but we won't experience that until we come back down. We're going to parking lot at the base of Flattop Mountain. You know, when I first moved to Anchorage, I heard about the Great Earthquake, how it was the biggest one ever recorded, I thought 'So, that is why that mountain has no top.' in my imagination I seen it topple off and tumble into the ocean. Great visual but it wasn't supported because there was no craters from that fall."

"Wow, you have a great imagination. how old were you?" she asked.

"Oh, my parents moved here in 1976 and I was barely 8. Yes, I'm cursed with a great imagination. It took me over 15 years to actually get around to eating mushrooms again after what my dear ole dad told me." *shiver* "I still have to choke them down if they aren't prepared properly."

"Oh, what did dear old dad tell you?"

"The family was having a birthday dinner at Sorrento's Italian Cuisine and I was enjoying this dish that had mushroom sauce. I was totally digging it, thinking I was hoity-toity and such. Dad asked 'How can you eat that?' I love it. 'I can't eat mushrooms.' Why is that, dad? 'They feel like snot going down my throat.' And ever since then I have to steel myself when I eat mushrooms or else that visual haunts me."

(thanks dad)

Derek turns onto Toilsome Road leading to Flattop and the name isn't a misnomer. After a hairpin turn, it winds back & forth and many small hills it climbs up Chugach Mountain Range. On the left side of road, you'll see Anchorage sprawling out. If you stopped, you'll be able to make out neighborhoods, shopping malls & major streets. We continue to climb until we make the parking lot.

The night has fallen and it fell hard. Stars were out in force and the street lights of Anchorage was doing their best to out shine them. The air was crisp and sky was clear. Derek parks near the paved trail up to the look-out. There are several cars here filled with people with their own agenda, some are partying teenagers with no where else to go, some are rekindling their aging romance and some on first date. I would not say this is a first date, it very well may be the last one. But that is neither here nor there I'm just here to enjoy the night air and stare in wonder at the stars, glad to share it.

"Just starting?  Did you have an official ceremony with Oompa Loompas cutting the ribbon? Or did they just turn the "Open" sign on?"
"Actually, I had a small ceremony. I got a Johnny Depp crush so naturally I designed the opening sequence complete with dolls, fireworks & theme song. It was smashing, I got standing ovation." she said excitingly.
"Oh, complete with dolls set on fire and melting? I'm duly impressed." which wasn't a lie.
"Eh. it was 2nd hand store dolls & it was the soundtrack from the movie and I use propane torch to melt the dolls & used the fire extinguisher. The set was in my office and I was the only audience, quite anti-climatic. But I still got that standing ovation. My palms were sore for half the day." she beamed.
Is there no end to this woman? "So, this crush on Johnny, is he the reason why you got into chocolate? I mean, don't tell me you're going to try to drown a boy in chocolate syrup trying to boost sales."
"Oh, nothing of the sort. I do have a liquid chocolate fall. Not the biggest in the world but it does keep the chocolate light & frothy. I had trouble locating a proper chocolate fall. They are hard to find, if it wasn't for the internet. It isn't like a water pump for your fish tank, its more of cork screw in a tube sort of thing." she informed me.
Derek driving was meandering because I know for fact this isn't the direct route. I tap on the glass "Look James, you're no longer a taxicab driver. You don't have to fleece me by taking the scenic route. You're getting paid the flatrate not by the miles."
 "Shut up Bob and enjoy the scenic route, you worry to much. I take the time to smell the roses because I'm no longer in a rush."
"Well, I liked you better when you were the taxicab driver, you weren't such a smart-ass"
Derek replies offhandedly "But Bob, you pay me to be a smart ass, it says so in my job description."
Damn, he has me there. I always forget I wrote that in the job description.

Leaning back I remember when I first met Derek.
Just out of high school and times were lean. Barely making enough to eat on a weekly basis, I was the standard at the Soup Kitchen. My hometown isn't big at all but it does take couple of hours to walk from one end to the other. Living on northside in redlight district, my job was naturally midtown near the other redlight district. Never having enough to pay busfare, I walked often. Sometimes I thumbed it, a futile effort though but good thumb exercise.
It was a bright sunny day, I was sweating bullets and worried I was going to be late for work. Sticking thumb out not expecting results but then I could tell my boss "Hey, I tried hitching a ride" when I'd be late for my shift. Before they improved this street with couple of timed stop lights, small traffic jams were the norm, that day was no exception.
Traffic was backed up and my thumb was getting futile excerise when the driver on outside lane leaned over and yelled over the traffic and informed me "I THINK THE TAXICAB DRIVER IS TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!!" Looking at driver and then forward and indeed, the Yellow Cab driver was busy waving his arm outside his window. I run to catch the cab for he stopped for me and traffic was moving and I can hear the irrate drivers behind me honking their horns. I get into the front seat passenger side.
"Thanks for the ride, I don't have cab fare."
"Yes, I figured that much when you had your thumb out, genius. Where are you going?"
I tell him where I work. "You're in luck, my next fare is not too far from there. I can drop you off right there." Relieved that I am able to keep my minimum rage job. I ask him "So, are you busy today?"
"Not really, that's why I picked you up. Slow business on sunny days, people want to walk or they figure the business could wait for a rainy day."
"How long you been a taxicab driver?" standard question I ask everytime I take a cab (I decided right there anyways, being its my first time in taxicab)
"For five years I been a taxicab driver here in town. I really love it. I get to meet different people daily and the scenery changes often." 
We make small talk until we reach my work place. I ask him "The next time I call for cab, how do I get a hold of you?" "Here's my card with cab #. Just ask the dispatcher for Derek and they'll send me."

That was just over 20 years ago and I've called him every single time when I needed a cab.
When I got my freak inheritance, I asked him to be my limo driver. "Sure, why not but here's my terms. The limo is mine, you pay for upkeep on it. I get a hefty salary weekly. I'm on call but when I'm not. I get to drive other people around and I keep the earnings."
"Alright, you set your terms, here's mine. When I'm in town, you're on call and you pay for the gas. When I'm not, you get to play 'upgraded taxi driver' and you have to be frank with me. No pussy footing around. Tell me like it is and be a smart ass about it."
"Deal."

Bored with this scene I ask her "Have you been to Gravity Hill?"

"Isn't every hill gravity related?"

"To right, but the hill I have in mind is special. You put car in neutral at bottom and gravity will pull you up."

"Get out." she says.

"I plan to and I want company. So what say you?"

"Oh. I have nothing planned tonight. I'm fair game."

"Great, it's a good thing I keep my hunting license up to date. Let's go." I pay the tab and leave tip for bartender. She smiles & waves, knowing I'll be back tomorrow night. Walking into the parking lot we head for the limo parked in far corner. "Oh, I didn't know you're a limo driver."

"Eh, only when James takes a night off. You're in luck tonight. bar is fully stocked and he has no where else to go."

"Isn't it cliche to have a limo driver named James?" she mocks.

"Yes, terribly so. which is why I pay him extra." Derek is sitting behind the wheel playing some handheld gaming system. I open the door for her and follow her in. "Don't bother opening the door, James. I can handle it."

"I figured as much, you have to do something to keep your girlish figure." Derek replies. "So, who do you have with you and how did you con her into keeping you company?"

"He didn't con me into anything but I am a wide-eyed innocent babe. He mentioned something about this hill that defies gravity." she says.

"You know Bob, that line only works for those who didn't grow up here. What do you use when you try picking up local women?" the limo driver asks.

"James, I use the good ole stand-by. 'Come with me, if you want to live' in my best Terminator impression" Tired groan coming from the front seat. She chuckles and asks me in her best Sarah Conner impression "So, what's your story?" As Derek pulls out and proceeds to general direction of Flattop Mountain. I lean forward and prepare myself a gin & Squirt. "Oh, it's the same as everyone else on this planet. Veni, Vidi, Visa. Latin for 'I came, I saw, I charged.'"

"Oh? is that how you could afford a limo & driver? You're running up your credit card debt?" she inquires. Stirring my drink "Hardly, remember that freak inheritance, well I invested wisely and doubled my money & earn a hefty interest monthy. Right now I only work out of boredom."

"So Bob, what is your cure for boredom?"

"Oh, my name isn't Bob, James calls me that because in his book, tit-for-tat. I'm the tit, he's the tat. Or vice versa. I could never figure it out."

"He's the tit alright." Derek chimes in.

"I go by the moniker Aloysius, the guy who couldn't write his name." ignoring Dereks interuption.

"Oh really, well I'm here to collect your bounty. Siren is the name and bounty hunting is my game." she retorts."Well, it's a good thing I paid my debt to society by singing." I shoot back. "Yes, it is a good thing because my bounty license has expired. By the way, Aloysius. You didn't answer my question, what is your cure for boredom?"

"Well, I run charitable business of sorts. 'Aliwishes Give & Take' you drop off your unwanted possessions & clothing and can exchange it weekly. Sort of a second hand store that recycles. Years ago there was a church that had something similar but they had expired food but I don't. I used to frequent there for several years, which is how I got my wardrobe & other possessions. They closed their doors after 30+ years of service. I operate on donations for electricity & rental space and when that runs low, I pay it myself." Siren leans over and prepares herself another Manhattan "Wow, quite the business venture, are you going for your sainthood?" she inquires.

"Hardly, you'd have to be in some religious organization that believes in "get out of hell" free card for that and worships a 3-sided Omnipotent being." never one to discuss religion or politics, I ask her "How do you cure boredom? Besides frequenting bars and such."

"Oh, I'm chocolatier. I run and operate my own business. Just started not too long ago, I hope to make enough to pay rent and other monthly bills."

She nudges me in the side "Did you leave me?" Breaking from my little daydream I quickly recover "No, I was busy thinking about the price of tea in China. This year is going to be great. Too bad I sold my company Tea of China. I would have made out like a bandit."

"Oh? You're a stock broker?"

"No, in a freak inheritance, I was given stock in Tea of China and I lost it on that fateful weekend in a poker game." Actually, I had to sell the company in order to keep my blood flowing.

Years ago, I received a letter in snailmail. Back when I had paper envelopes & stamps in stockpiles. Nowadays it's all about logging on, checking inbox, deleting/flagging spam. The letter was from the law offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe, I thought "Damn, I knew I should have made them sign that waiver." Upon reading, I can see it wasn't the case. The lawyers inform me I'm in a will of an obscure relative and I need to show up on this date for details. 

On appointed day, I showed up not knowing what to expect. Walking into conference room, I can see it is filled with my other obscure relatives. They seem to have $ $ for eyes. They are giving me the once over and I can see they do not approve. Fuck'em. they're obscure.

The lawyers walk in and begin reading of the will. At the end of the reading, the obscure relatives with $ $ eyes start yelling expletives at me, questioning my parentage & threating bodily harm. I politely tell them "You'll hear from my lawyers, Emerson, Lake & Palmer."  What they are so upset about is that I made out like a bandit. The old guy hated his close relatives, they were nothing but money-grubbers and hated him. But loved his money and he knew the score. So his last joke was on them. He hired a P.I. and they found me. I inherited over half million dollars & company named Tea of China. Before I left the lawyers gave me the address of company. It is located in Reno, Nevada. Reno?

I hate flying in a plane powered by rubber bands, so I drove to Reno. The address lead me to building on the outskirts of town. "Tea of China Massage Parlor" in goudy lights. Great, what I've always wanted.

Walking in the lady behind the desk greets me warmly but well rehearsed "Welcome to Tea of China..." I hold up my hand and tell her "Don't bother. I'm here to talk with your manager. Get them now." She is indignant with good reason but like a good worker, she fetches her boss.  Looking around the waiting room, I notice 1970's oriental artwork. Red dragons with gold outline guarding forbidden treasure from invading hordes, smokey women in various positions playing hard to get from lustful men. On bamboo. Beaded curtains galore, it serves a purpose. It announces your arrival or your departure.Just what you need in a massage palor.

The manager arrives dressed in a stylish komino, although well worn & faded colors. She is a barmaid beauty. Sultry appearance in darken environment but in harsh daylight, you can see the years she has spent on this planet. "Do you have a complaint? Or are you here to collect your "proTECTion money?"

"Two things. He's dead and I was in his will."

"Come into my office" she says as if she was the spider and I was the fly. I guess old habits never die.

Walking through the beaded curtains I notice the various aromas, the incense, massage oil, sex & candy. Her office had a solid door, I guess she couldn't stand the smell either. Sitting behind the desk, she doesn't offer me a chair. So I sit on the loveseat comfortably.

"He finally departed this realm. Why are you here, come to get your Owner's Discount?" she asks. With disdain no less.

"No, I'm here to find out what I inherited. Now I know. How's business? Making money hand-over-fist? Or should I say ass-over-balls?"

"Crude little boy, it is a good thing I got underwear older than you or else I'd be offended."

(seriously?)

"As I was saying, I'm the new owner and just came by to see what is what. I can see you're doing a bang-up job of running this place. No offense. You can keep your job."

"Well, thank you. That is very generous of you. Since you're letting me keep my job. I'll get my best girl to give you a massage. On the house, of course."

"Thank you but wouldn't I be fucking myself out of getting paid?"

"Crude boy, you're lucky I'm in a good mood today or I'd be ordering my boys to give you a massage. I guarantee you, it would be all accupunture." I can see by the gleam in her eye, I was treading on thin ice. Then one of her "boys" steps out of the shadows behind her. 6 foot 4 and 200 lbs of satan. I thought this will be the oportune time to get rid of this business.

"Since my presence offends you, how about we settle this in friendly game of poker. Here are the stakes. If I win, I'll let you keep your job & all the earnings. If you win, you get to own Tea of China out right."

That was 2 years ago and I am still intact.

She  says "Well, too bad you've lost out on that fortune. I hear wars have been fought and won over the prices of tea in China."

"Well, that is one war I'm glad I avoided."

It was a long day and glad quitting time has arrived. The sun was creating great painting on the clouds. High ceiling clouds catching the setting sun. I drive to local watering hole for nightcap before going home.

Aptly name "The Hideaway Club" is small, out of the way bar. My kind of bar, pool tables, several dart boards and L-shaped bar. Bellying up to the bar, my drink is already there as the bartender knows my poison. Slowing unwinding and half heartedly watching the television. Some drivel about a guy and a girl and how they both want a relationship together but they live in different worlds.

yea, reality at its best.

Not wanting to spend any money in jukebox, I'm hoping the next person walking in will. Lighting up a cancer stick, slowly advancing to my own horrific death, I figure what the hell. No one has control over their destiny and if mine involves tubes and a bed. Hell, at least I don't have to change my own diapers. And I get to stay in bed watch television all day long and wait for food service to boot.

But that is besides the point. Relaxation is the key and I'm turning it. I hear the cue ball cracking against other pool balls, I think another sucker is being fleeced as I know there are bets being made. Remembering my dad doing the same thing decades before. He'd tell me "Son, I'll give you pearls of wisdom I've learned. Be a pool shark and you'll never have to live a Friday night sober, just as long you got enough change for couple pool games. You're golden."

Thanks dad.  *burp*

The chair next to me squeaks and hear feminine voice order a Manhatten. Her forearm is brushing up against me. Warm and inviting and very soft. I'm thinking "Damn, you need to get laid if you think forearm is foreplay" "Shut up, I had a long day."  She asks "May I have a smoke? I don't plan on living long" I'm thinking she can have my children...if I ever plan to have any. "Sure, if you don't mind roll your own. top of the line. Organic tobacco, no preservatives or additives and guaranteed to kill you with kindness"

"Just as long you roll for me, as I never learned how to roll. In college all I ever used was water pipes." That statement got me to thinking "This is no ordinary lady, I am intrigued" So I roll her a smoke and roll another one just in case the first one runs out. She asks me about the plot of the show and I say "I don't know. I think the guy revealed that when he was in college he used to cross dress and misses the feel of silk on his skin"

She tells me "Oh, I think I dated that guy"

"Sorry to hear that."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad. He didn't mind shopping with me. Gave great advice and even offered different opinions on my ensemble...damn. How could I miss that clue?"

"It was the joygasm of you finding a guy to shop with that clouded your judgment."

Then she asks me about my shopping habits. "Oh, I'm more of a wham-bam, thank you ma'am kind of guy when it comes to shopping. A quick in and out and no fucking about. If it fits, I'm buying and even if it doesn't, I can always return it later."

I offer her the finished coffin nail and light it for her. She slowly inhales....holds, exhales. There is nothing like watching a woman enjoying a smoke. Those lips pursing, chest swelling...I wonder if there is porn dedicated to women smoking?

The Eagles are playing "Tequila Sunrise" and I'd order couple shots of Cuervo but the bartender is already pouring the shots. I make note to put bartender in my will.

She notices the song & shots and knows it isn't coincidence. "Do you always order tequila shots when that song comes on?"

"No, sometimes I just tell the bartender to leave the bottle. Tonight, she is limiting me."

"I hate to see what you order when *Whiskey Drinking Woman* plays on the jukebox"

Right now I'm visualizing her and I growing old together, sitting on the porch in our rocking chairs with walkers besides us. Small table holding our pints & bongs and we're enjoying the night air, watching the bug zapper doing its part in controlling the bug population. Slow down, you haven't even asked her name...