Ninja's blog: "Ask the Ninja"

Dear Ninja,

I like to comment pictures and encourage fellow fu members with my insight and positive out look. Recently however I have been receiving conflicting reactions to my comments and I am very confused. I will enclose a few samples of what has been happening.

On a picture of a generously proportioned cougar who was wearing a startling yellow little teddy. I respectfully left this comment. " I don't like the colour it makes you look like a banana". To which she reacted by yelling at me for three days that she was not fat or old and I did not have room to talk and her posting her saggy tits to make me "eat my heart out" followed by her deleting her account.

On a picture of someone who had the screen name sexxi I commented someday I wanted to be sexxi too.
Her reaction was to email me that I was too old and ugly to be so judging and again I was told I did not have room to talk.

The third examples I will give you was of a fine upstanding senior gentleman who nicely posted his sagging penis for all the ladies. On this I commented "gosh a girl just would not know what to do with that". From the kind man I again received an email declaring I was too old and fat to act so immature and I needed to get laid.

I am deeply bothered by these turn of events and am wondering do you think I might inadvertently be coming off as sarcastic or if these people are projecting what they think I should have said.
Do you think I should try making comments like put some clothes on you fat cow no one wants to see that and other similar type comments to avoid upsetting these types of people so much?

Puzzled in Canada

Dear Puzzled,

It's not you, it's them reading more into the comment than what you said. Call it projecting, or subconscious self-loathing, whatever. When they overcompensate for their insecurities, any comments they don't deem obviously ego-stroking will be considered a threat.

Just be yourself. If they delete because you offered them some constructive criticism, they are morons. And if they think that tits that touch their belly button is going to make you hate them, send Kit over to bless em for you. She's good at that.

Also, as a general rule, if you choose to post pics of yourself in your skivvies)or less than that in some cases) and leave it open to the public, then the public can and will tell you what they think. Just because someone is honest about what they say, doesn't mean they are a hater. The reason you aren't getting paid to pose is because you aren't as nice to look at to us as you think you are. If you only want those ego-strokers on your page, feel free to lock down the folders for your groupies, and save us the trip to the store for the eye bleach. Just please do us all a favor, and help control the population. Have your groupies spayed or neutered.

Dear Ninja

Ok so i'm sitting on the horns of a dilemma. Yes it sounds painful. I was recently in a car accident. My car was fixed up and running better then it was ever running before. It jus looked like hell and it looks even worse now. Anywhooo the adjuster got back to me with the totals of what it would be if I keep the car ($940) and if I would let them take the car ($1700). If I keep the car I'd get a new fender, hood, breaks and tires. Orrrrrr if I let them take the car I'd look for a new car, prolly an explorer. I REALLLLLLY want the $1700 but I also know how picky I am with cars and I know how long it takes me to find a new car. So I've come to Ninja for advice. Help a brotha out!

Sincerely,

RP (I wasn't signing this Teebow, even with a fire poker up his ass)

Dear RP, 

You really shouldn't make a habit of sitting on pointy things. Rectal bleeds can be a bitch, medically speaking, and cost you a lot more than that 1700 bucks. Although if the accident wasn't your fault, there may be a way for the insurance to pick up that tab.

As far as the car goes, find out how much you can get for it as is at a junk yard or private sale. If it's worth more as parts, which it sounds like it is, you can take the 940 from the insurance and sell it for parts while you look for a better ride. While you're laid up, hop online and do your research. There's a lot of people that post in the classifieds that buy cars in any condition. See how much you can get an offer for the way it is now, and if you don't get a bite over the total of 1700, take the money and run. Let the insurance handle the headache.

Good Luck.

Dear Ninja,

Ok first let me start by saying I'm in no way *skinny* and I Do not desire to be I'm confident and content with my apperance my question to you is

Is It wrong or does it make me shallow that I personally prefer *Thick* as opposed to *Fat* Woman...And Yes To Me There Is A Difference between FAT and THICK

Thanks IcON

Icon,

It's perfectly fine to like whatever kind of woman you want. And there is, indeed, a difference between fat and thick. Personal attractions are just that, PERSONAL. As long as you're not into animals or minors, you're ok.

Someone who is thick has muscle tone in certain areas that make the woman more curvy. But there is a huge difference between curvy and morbidly obese women calling themselves thick. Thick implies a thick layer of muscle between the skin and the bone. When flexed, these muscles appear thick, and are firm to the touch. Fat isn't. And while most women do have some fat in places we'd rather not, when your curves are defined only by your fat rolls, that's obese, and a very serious health issue that you need to address with your doctor.

On a side note. I don't care whether you're a size 0 or a size 5X, WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT! That includes underclothes. When you try to squeeze your big ass in those jean that are 2 sizes too small, you squeeze your fat out the sides and create that "muffin top" effect. Either accept the fact you aren't a size 5, or 7, or cry into your bowl of ice cream, and then buy some new pants. You will LOOK and FEEL better in clothing that fits well. 

Also, I understand you accept yourself for what you look like, but the rest of us might not want to see it all hanging out. RESPECT THAT. Make your risque pictures accessible by those you want to see them. That way, you can save yourself the embarassment of someone else pointing out that you look like a schoolbus or skeletor.

And finally ladies, use some sense when uploading pictures. You do know that everything you upload to a PUBLIC website is then considered in the public domain and CAN be used against you in court cases. Do you really want that picture of you bent over showing your ho-ho to the world to show up on Judge Mathis? Because, baby THEY CAN!

Hope that clears it up.

Dear Ninja,

I am about to embark on a trip to see Hellyion. I have a few reservations about leaving my baby behind but afer the last few comments from her. I am now petrified.

She has been leaving these comments and statuses:

a. she has informed me she will be meeting me at the airport dressed as a giant Penis.
b. in her status the other day, she informed me that she would be locking me in her bedroom.
c. she is a known sex addict.
d. I am meeting her mom for tea!

Help me
Confused and sexually innocent!

Dear Confused and sexually "innocent"

A video camera is an absolute must. You also must convince her to sing a special version of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song dressed in the penis suit. You will quickly become so youtube famous you will not even worry about meeting her mom.

As for locking you in her room, come on, you know you can take her. Go for the knees if you have to. I hear when you get older, it takes longer to get up. If you have to charge, shoulder down and run through her leading with the shoulder, it works on linebackers, and I'm pretty sure Helly's a lot smaller than they are.

As for her sex addiction, there's always making her drink til she passes out. Once she's out, you can enjoy a nice quiet night with that handsome man you met on the plane.

Good Luck.

Dear Ninja .... my Wicked friends is coming to visit me in 3 weeks and shes scaring the hell out of me. She keeps talking about bringing me gifts of vibrators and buckets ...arriving in a trench coat and clogs... and violating my various delicate parts. Should I just not pick her up at the airport ... or move

~Troubled in Canada

Dear Troubled,

If it's Wicked, you better start prepping your butt now. She may have sworn off using those beads on herself, but she hasn't said she wouldn't substitute your keister for hers. Anal Ease will help, but a butt plug might be your only hope.

Although, I hear the whole chastity belt thing is actually real and there's a site out there that sells them. Rush shipping perhaps? If you do that, though, she's going to want to shove those beads somewhere, and I don't think they cover the hole you are seeking to protect. A chastity belt and a Hannibal mask would cover 2 out of 3 though!

If all else fails, there is always the weirdos that post on craigslist. I'm sure you can find one into multiple foreign objects shoved deep into no-no places. If there's not one posting looking for it, you can always post an add looking for one. If she's busy stuffing them, she might forget to violate your orifices. A plus side to that, you can also find out who the hell to avoid when she goes home. Cause let's face it, if they answer your add for that, that ain't the guy or girl you want to run into in the store.

Good luck and happy hunting!

Dear Ninja

I recently began using a flashy pic as my default and I can't help but notice a correlation to flashy pic and fubar "popularity". I have read about simple "small minded" creatures such birds being attracted to shiny things. I wonder if it is my shiny pic that has brought all these "bird brains" to my profile or have some of the populations of fubar become aware of my Intelligence, Attractiveness, Sense of Humor, Confidence, Wisdom, Bulging Biceps, Bulging Crotch, Bulging Ego, .......................Nice Toes, Goals and Aspirations,...............Motorcycle, Cool Son, Dog......................................Swimming Pool, Nice Hair..................................................Bedroom Eyes, Smile...........Stop me at any time........

Dear Mr thinks-he's-wonderful,

I'll stop you right there.

The subconscious brain is attracted to things that move, flash, or sparkle. It's just what your optic nerves pic up on first. No one has become aware of all that other crap, probably because it only exists in your mind. And if it is all real, then those who actually take the time to find that out on their own are the ones worth yours.

If it takes sparkle and jazz for you to be acknowledged by "friends" then they probably aren't all that close to you. When the glitter and glamour is all gone, those who take the time to remain in touch are the ones worth building relationships with.

Good Luck!

Dear Ninja

So my boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. Everything is wonderful, and we have been talking about getting married. I dont want to rush him, but he is a little bit financially unstable at the moment and Im worried hes not proposing because he doesnt have the money for a ring. I know he wants to ask me the traditional way. So to get to the point, should I buy the rings? Or should I wait and let him do it his way?

-Impatient

Dear Impatient,

Slow ya roll tadpole. If he is waiting until he is stable and able to provide what he thinks you deserve, he's actually doing it the right way, and he's a good guy for it. Should you pay for your engagement ring? No. Should you push him into asking when he's not ready? No. All you will do is cause resentment later because he didn't get to do it the way he wanted to. Stop trying to be in control of everything and let him be the man.

He may have a big extravagant thing planned for how he thinks he can sweep you off your feet. Don't screw that up for him, it will piss him off. And if you actually want to make it to the wedding after the engagement, you will wait to be a bridezilla until he actually asks you to marry him.

So just relax and enjoy his company. One day (hopefully sooner than later for you) he will be ready and ask you to be his wife. Until then, don't push. You might just end up pushing him right out the door.

Dear Ninja,

Is it really O.K. If it happens in a 3 way? I always thought a 3 way was 2 girls and 1 guy no matter what. I mean technically 1 girl and 2+ guys is a gang bang right? These modern sex practices have me so confused especially when I myself get do not get any practice!

~ Confused

Dear Confused.

A 3-some is just that. 3 people engaged in a sex act. 2 girls 1 guy is usually the preference of most men. It can indeed be 2 men, and it's not gay if there is no penetration man to man. Although, I do think 2 peens in the same hole would be in that gray area of just might be a little too awkward if anyone else heard about it. So just keep your swords separate.

A gangbang is 3 or more guys and 1 girl, or 3 or more girls and 1 guy. Option #2 would be a lot more fun for the guy. Something seems a little strange to me about how a guy could just sit there holding his peen waiting for his turn to get a little of the sloppy seconds, or thirds, or fourths. I guess the people who are into that have some kind of ettiquite about who goes when, and take the smaller guys first so they can feel like they aren't throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

An Orgy is just a bunch of people having sex at the same time and can encompass either single partner or multiple partner, 3-somes, gangbangs, etc.

No matter what kind of practice you have with sex, I suggest practicing safety first. STDs are rampant these days, and there are fewer and fewer of us who can actually, honestly, claim that we have never had one. And let's face it, some of them are life-threatening. Better to be safe than stupid.

Also, keep in mind when engaging in a multiple partner situation, herpes is actually transferred most by mouth to genital contact. And 70% of transfers happen when there are no signs or symptoms of an outbreak.

Happy humping!

Dear Ninja,

Is commitment a disease? And is looking for commitment rather than a quick bang a bad thing?

~Anonymous

Commitment is not a disease (although some of us do avoid it like the plague), and neither is being single.  I would like to take a minute to remind people that some of us choose to do bad all by our damn self, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is when you can honestly walk through and not need someone else's acceptance to validate your existence that you can actually find a healthy relationship. It's perfectly fine to settle down. It is never ok to settle.

There are some mental issues that actually make people NEED commitment. Codependency can actually be a serious issue. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a healthy relationship with someone you care about. There is a LOT wrong with being in a relationship just because you can't be alone. Those relationships tend to get abusive or one-sided, and the fear of being left alone keeps the abused in it. If you constantly tend to be one that jumps from relationship to relationship, I strongly suggest doing some introspection, and possibly some counseling.

Like I said, there is nothing wrong with seeking out a healthy committed relationship. The best way to do this is to actually ask the other party what they are looking as well. Do this in the beginning, it saves a lot of time. If they aren't on the same page as you are, then it won't work. Don't delude yourself into thinking they will want something more with you later on down the road if you just give it time. Usually, you end up heart-broken that way.

ALSO, there's nothing wrong with a friend with benefits if both parties are cool with it. ALWAYS use protection, and maintain open communication. If feelings begin to develop, and the other partner isn't on the same page, it's time to end your deal. You will only get weird stalker crazy, and no one wants to see you outside their house uninvited at 2 am or stalking their new friend with benefits.

Some keys to healthy relationships:

1. Do keep open communications -- If something is bothering you, tell the other person about it. The more you keep it to yourself, the more miserable and resentful you will end up. Also, discuss the status of your relationship regularly, to make sure you remain on the same page.

2. Know your limits -- If your partner is not respecting them, then cut your ties. Once you let them push you beyond your limits, they will continue to do it.

3. Do NOT ever use sex as a weapon (this especially goes for the ladies)-- That is the easiest way to ruin a relationship.

4. Keep separate lives apart from your lives together -- There is such thing as spending too much time together. Everyone needs some private time. Decide on one or two nights a week/month that you will spend apart from each other to maintain friendships with others.

Good luck!

Dear Ninja,

Is commitment a disease? And is looking for commitment rather than a quick bang a bad thing?

~Anonymous

Committment is not a disease (although some of us do avoid it like the plague), and neither is being single.  I would like to take a minute to remind people that some of us choose to do bad all by our damn self, and there is nothing wrong with that. It is when you can honestly walk through and not need someone else's acceptance to validate your existance that you can actually find a healthy relationship. It's perfectly fine to settle down. It is never ok to settle.

There are some mental issues that actually make people NEED committment. Codependence can actually be a serious issue. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a healthy relationship with someone you care about. There is a LOT wrong with being in a relationship just because you can't be alone. Those relationships tend to get abusive or one-sided, and the fear of being left alone keeps the abused in it.If you constantly tend to be one that jumps from relationship to relationship, I strongly suggest doing some introspection, and possibly some counseling.

Like I said, there is nothing wrong with seeking out a healthy committed relationship. The best way to do this is to actually ask the other party what they are looking as well. Do this in the beginning, it saves a lot of time. If they aren't on the same page as you are, then it won't work. Don't delude yourself into thinking they will want something more with you later on down the road if you just give it time. Usually, you end up heart-broken that way.

ALSO, there's nothing wrong with a friend with benefits if both parties are cool with it. ALWAYS use protection, and maintain open communication. If feelings begin to develop, and the other partner isn't on the same page, it's time to end your deal. You will only get weird stalker crazy, and no one wants to see you outside their house uninvited at 2 am or stalking their new friend with benefits.

Some keys to healthy relationships:

1. Do keep open communicaions -- If something is bothering you, tell the other person about it. The more you keep it to yourself, the more miserable and resentful you will end up. Also, discuss the status of your relationship regularly, to make sure you remain on the same page.

2. Know your limits -- If your partner is not respecting them, then cut your ties. Once you let them push you beyond your limits, they will continue to do it.

3. Do NOT ever use sex as a weapon (this especially goes for the ladies)-- That is the easiest way to ruin a relationship.

4. Keep separate lives apart from your lives together -- There is such thing as spending too much time together. Everyone needs some private time. Decide on one or two nights a week/month that you will spend apart from each other to maintain friendships with others.

Good luck!