Ninja's blog: "Ask the Ninja"

I know I’ve been neglecting you guys lately in blog form, and just answering questions directly, but I’ve gotten a mass of ones on the same subject, so I’m going to go ahead and just blog it. Also, since I’ve had a couple “friends” go down the path of stupidity, it seems there may be many more that will benefit from the group therapy.

I am going to start this by stating that all relationships are inherently the same. They are all subject to the same cardinal rule in order to ensure survival. Think of the rule like your gun in the Zombie Apocalypse. If you forget the rule, your relationship will be dead faster than the fat guy.  The rule: Communicate. Openly, honestly, and rationally (yeah, I’m talking to you bitches who tend to turn into Crazy McNutballs) communicate.

I know some people will say the most important thing in a relationship is trust, or loyalty, or a mutual love of bacon. But, you’re wrong. You can’t have any of those things without communication.  Communication, whether verbal or non-verbal (yes, you can do shadow puppets if you’re really good), can make or break any bond.

With that said, I will go ahead and address proper communication skills for online relationships.

Everyone these days seem to be engaging in online relationships. They say 1 in 8 marriages are couples that met online (and 3 more are probably just ashamed to admit that). But I see all too many times people think they are going to meet the one on some random website, and throw themselves into the delusional abyss that is online dating.

Here’s the thing though, you can’t actually have a REAL relationship with someone that you have never actually been WITH. At some point, for it to be more than just an exchange on a screen, you have to put both parties in the room and see if it’s really there, or it was some delusional fantasy brought about over some lies and partial truths given over a series of drunken web-chats. If you want to be able to claim rights to call someone a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, you have to be willing to actually spend real time with them. One of the two has to actually make the trip to the other so you can see if you really like them, or if it’s just the rum (and loneliness) talking. So if you THINK you want something with someone you meet online, set a date. If it comes and goes, and no meeting, then you should probably go ahead and stop wasting your time, and your batteries.

Online relationships are also usually publicly visible, thanks to the wonders of social networking. For this reason, you probably should work a little harder on not being a big bowl of nuts. You do not have to share every psycho feeling that you have. It makes the few people who do actually talk to you regret their decision. Ever see the show Snapped? If not, you should. If only to see what happens to crazy bitches like you who go nuts and stab their ex’s new girlfriend 38 times.  Feelings like those are better left for your journal, then burned and never ever spoken about again.  

Fun tip #1 Men and women CAN be friends without ever wanting anything more from each other. Yep, it’s true. They can also joke, flirt, and talk without ever wanting to have sex with each other.  Also, if you’re worried about the good-looking people on their page, you don’t even want to know about the ones they hang out with in real life. You’re just going to drive yourself right smack into the middle of Crazy Town if you keep it up.

Fun tip #2  You can’t stake your claim on someone you have never actually met. Save yourself a ton of energy, and embarrassment, and hold off on the emotional crap until you can actually spend real time with the person you are interested in. You never know for sure if the same chemistry will be there when you’re actually face to face. So building up some irrational expectations of the life you are going to share with someone else is just that, irrational. Save the delusions for when you get old, or some nice man in a white coat will give you a big ol’ Halidol lollipop.

Fun tip #3  If the online bubble bursts, it’s not your job to ensure the other one is shamed into internet hiding. Guys, sharing her pictures she sent you during a sexting session just makes you look like a douche, and will leave you with little more than your favorite lotion. Girls, making fake accounts to stalk him and sabotage his future online flings make you psychotic. Either way, time would be much better spent doing something else, like making a sandwich.

Fun tip #4  If you want to know what the direction of a relationship is going, ask. No one can assume that you are both on the same page, unless it is stated. She might think he loves her. He might think you just want some dick. She might think he wants marriage and kids, when in reality, he wants xbox and beer. The only way to know for sure, ask.

Fun tip #5  Check your crazy regularly. Consult a trusted friend, family member, medical professional. If they tell you that you’re being looney toons, then chances are, you really are. Whatever you do, don’t ask another crazy bitch. Chances are, they will support your retardedness, and you will end up in jail, or even worse, with a tattoo of his or her name on your body.

I’ll add to these as the crazy is brought to my attention.

Until then…

~Ninja

Ok, here's my political rant for the day:

1. If you don't want to be treated differently than someone else, stop yelling and screaming that your gender/sexual-orientation/ race/or some other attribute you might have makes you that way. If you're a jackass, I will treat you as such, no matter what you are. You do not have the right not to be offended, and yes, we know, only God can judge you. But when you do really stupid things, like pierce your eyebrows to your cheekbones, I will make the comment that you must miss prison. And if you want someone to take you seriously, it's probably not the best idea to get something like "Psycho bitch" or "Real azz nigga" tattooed across your chest/neck/publicly visible place. You know the phrase, "Less is more," well it works. You don't want people to have an issue, then don't make it one. Tolerance works both ways.

Dear Ninja,

my boyfriend is coming home early and yes im happy about that but I will need his sperm a week after he leaves... what should i do?

~Wicked

Dear Wicked,

The saving of the sperm requires you to do a little prepwork, and a blow job (at the very least, a hand job).

First, you will need a specimen cup for his baby batter. If he's aware of the need to save his spunk, you can just have him jack off into the cup while watching a porn. If you're doing it incognito, it requires you doing the work for the squirt.

If you choose the blow job option, don't let him cum in your mouth. The saliva will start breaking down the sperm. Have him shoot on your chest, face, whatever, and scoop up your sample and put it in the jar. (if you can't find a jar, just put it in an ice tray. Depending on your purpose for needing it, that might be an easier insertion later.)

Good Luck!

Dear Ninja,

I asked a guy to be my boyfriend on the first of the month. He acknowledged the question but still hasn't given me an answer. We talk daily, hang out A LOT, and he's even spent the night a few times. This has continued to go on even after asking him but he still hasn't answered me says he's thinking about it. Is this good or bad? Should I ask him for his answer, or wait for him to come to me with it?

Sincerely,
Confused and Impatient.

Dear Confused and Impatient,

The reason he isn't giving you the answer is because he is still involved with his other options. Sadly to say, you're probably not his priority if he isn't willing to give you a yes or no in 9 days. It's not like you asked him to move in, he's just not ready to quit getting strange. The fact that he's ducking the question any time you bring it up is another big tell that he's got someone else chowing down on his baby batter too.

If it were me, well I am not actually the best example because I avoid relationships like the plague, so another normal thinking person would stop and see he won't commit to you because he may very well already be committed to someone else.

So tell him to make a decision, because you have given plenty of time for him to "think about it." Don't invest any more of yourself in someone who is not willing to do the same.

Good Luck

Dear Ninja,

Dear my favorite Ninja,

lately I keep getting sexual advances from vacuum cleaners. I know this sounds crazy, but I don't know what to do. Either A) ignore it, because it's prolly bits of LSD resurfacing back from my highschool days. Or just go with the flow, or suck I suppose in this situation.

- Always me, your favorite sin.

Dear SIN

What kind of vacuum are we talking here? If it's a Dyson, I'd say, what the hell, go for it. You want one that's reliable and won't lose suction.

If you must, you can always lock her away in the closet after you're finished. That way if it is a crazy acid flashback, it won't be awkward in the morning.

Welcome back doll

Dear my favorite Ninja,

lately I keep getting sexual advances from vacuum cleaners. I know this sounds crazy, but I don't know what to do. Either A) ignore it, because it's prolly bits of LSD resurfacing back from my highschool days. Or just go with the flow, or suck I suppose in this situation.

- Always me, your favorite sin. (d)

Dear SIN

What kind of vacuum are we talking here? If it's a Dyson, I'd say, what the hell, go for it. You want one that's reliable and won't lose suction.

If you must, you can always lock her away in the closset after you're finished. That way if it is a crazy acid flashback, it won't be awkward in the morning.

Welcome back doll (h)

Dear Ninja,

A fu guy

Dear fu guy,

Everything was great because you did everything for her. When you started expecting an equal relationship, that's when she bailed. It wasn't home-sickness, it was the fact that someone else back home would pick up where you left off.

When you get into a relationship (online or offline) always know exactly what you expect out of it. Most relationships end over money or sex. You got tired of footing the bill, and expected a little help, and she wasn't willing to be an equal partner. 

Also, before you shack up with a stranger (and let's face it, she was), have everything ironed out as far as bills and shared responsibilities. That way, when you pitch a bitch about it later, she can't claim ignorance. Share household duties (i.e. you cook, she cleans, split chores, alternate who does laundry), and have reasonable expectations. If you pay all the bills, then the bitch should keep the house clean. That's fair. You got screwed buddy. Say "good riddance" and move on. There are much better women out there.

Good Luck

Dear Ninja,

I have a funeral to attend this for my wife's mother-in-law who is not my mother. Her ex is making her do all the work. Should I be a prick and tell him off at the funeral

~spsaudit

Dear Spsaudit,

Are you freaking kidding me? Her EX-husband's mother is NOT her responsibility AT ALL. Your wife needs to put her foot down and make him be a man. If they were still married, I could understand her letting her current husband ask her to do the arrangements, but EX???

What's REALLY going on between them that he feels comfortable enough to do that crap? If she won't put an end to the personal relationship with the ex husband, you may want to reconsider your role as her current.