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Ninja's blog: "Ask the Ninja"

created on 04/25/2011  |  http://fubar.com/ask-the-ninja/b340747  |  67 followers

Dear Ninja,

My girlfriend recently returned back to the workforce and wants a foot rub tonight. Should I give her the foot rub before or after she gives me a blow job?

This question is way too important to leave to the MuMMs. They fuck up everything.

~Dr. X


Dear Dr.

I don't see why it can't happen simultaneously. Although, if one must come first, I'd have to say the rub before the tug.

Most guys hit the sheets quickly after release, so unless you have a ball of energy behind that ball of spunk, she cums first, every time.


PS, to make your spunk sweeter, make sure you get your daily pineapple.

Or you can try this Super Spunk Smoothie:

  • 1 cup of pineapple, fresh or canned
  • 1 banana, frozen
  • 1 cup of apple juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon of ginger
  • 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
  • 2 tablespoons of honey

Good luck ;)


Dear Ninja,

Almost a year ago I met an attractive, educated and polite woman and we began dating. We enjoyed each others' company very much (or so I thought) and within a few months she was spending many nights in my home. She was shocked by my overactive libido and it got to where she was practically living here. We were having sex as many as ten times per day. Then without warning, she just quit seeing me, answering my phone calls or the letters I sent to her home.

A few months later, she began visiting again, but told me she didn't want our relationship to be just about sex. I was OK with that and was eager to continue our relationship platonically.

A couple of weeks after our reunion, she stood me up for my birthday, then asked me a few days later to spend the day with her, driving her around to look for a pair of shoes for her sisters' wedding (to which I'd been invited to accompany her both by her and her sister). During that day (in April), she called me another man's name twice, introduced me by that name once and told a friend of hers on the phone that she was being driven on her shopping trip by that other man. I didn't register my anger to her at that time, but after thinking about it, I decided (on the day of her sister's wedding) to call her and tell her I wouldn't be going. That I didn't want to take that other man's girlfriend anywhere.

Since that time, she's yet to apologize, but has told mutual friends that I was completely at fault for standing her up for the wedding. She's also told them that it was entirely my fault we were no longer involved.

I had some Molly Maids cleaning my house recently and gave one of them some of her belongings that she left here. She has acted like I stole those objects from her and has acted like a spoiled child about it. Despite this, she has recently been telling those mutual friends that she wishes I would call her and try to patch things up

Am I being unreasonable to see it as good riddance to bad garbage?


Thank you for your response,


Dear Indignant,

You have been in a cycle I call "Revolving-Door Relationships" where you leave out of it, then turn and go right back into the drama. That is some dumb shit too. It's like returning crappy Christmas presents, then walking right back in the store and buying the exact same ones.

You should have gotten the red flags when she just abruptly ended contact the first time that this bitch may just be a resident of Crazy Town. Either that, or this mindblowing sex that you think you're having, is really just convenience sex for her. And I call bullshit on 10 times a day. You're not young, so unless you pop Viagra like skittles. it's not happening. 

Also, she's using you. She needed a ride that day, and you happily obliged. Hell, gas is expensive. I'd love someone to drive me around. What are you doing for the next few forevers?

Then, as she called you another man's name, you allowed it instead of correcting her. It is possible that she's so spread out that she actually forgot your name (as wedding can be super stressful shit), but more than likely, you're just another one.

However, you did wrong by not informing ahead of time that you weren't going to be her date for the wedding. Feelings aside, you had apparently committed that to her sister, and that bitch was the bride! And replacing a date for a wedding isn't a quick phone call. So, yeah, douche move bro.

So, to sum it up:

Crazy Town, used you, drop the bitch, and douche.



Dear Ninja,

Well, I was with her for about 6 months. She always flirted with other guys, but I never said anything. She left and got with another guy three times. The last time, I was with her and a guy started to talk to her, and she told him that she was single. Then she walked off. I called it then. Now, she wants to get back with me.

Should I?





Not no, but hell nah! Someone who is willing to be unfaithful to you in front of you is definitely going to spread her vagina behind your back. You also made her cheating acceptable by not telling her anything when she flirted.

And since I highly doubt her pussy is worth the possible STDs she will inevitably bring you, I'd run before that twat becomes radioactive.

There are plenty of respectable women in this world who won't be such a skank. Don't waste your time on the same chapter. The rest of the book is much better without her.


Good Luck



Contrary to popular belief, it does not take a villiage to raise a child, it takes a good parent.

I see kids running the streets at night. I see them violating my property, my neighbor's, threatening adults, they have even burglarized homes to just "hang out" in them. I was informed today that they will break in, hang out, have sex, leave condoms and drug paraphenalia around, then set fire to the house before they leave.

And all the while, where are the parents? The police finally round up a few of them, and the parents then threaten the person who had their home violated. Are you kidding me? What the hell kind of parent lets their child be trash.

Once upon a time, parents were held liable for the actions of their children. Parents actually cared and knew where their kids were, who they were with, and taught their kids to respect people's property.  At one time, the worst thing you could ever do is talk to someone's mother about their behavior, and momma would handle it. Now, momma is too busy with baby daddy # (insert number here).

I have to come home almost daily to trash thrown in my yard, kids in my back yard, and threats by children. And I'm supposed to just take it because they are kids. I have told these kids, their parents, the neighbors that I am ALWAYS armed. And I will not hesitate to protect myself or my home.

I have to install a 2000 dollar security system because these people can't keep control of their trashy little punk kids, and I need to have it all on tape. I'm tired of this crap. Parents need to raise their kids to have respect for other people's property, or they need to be held responsible for what their idiot offspring does.  I don't give a crap what color their skin is, or who they think they are. This is MY home, and I will take care of what's mine.


/End rant

Consider this my good deed for the decade:

If you don't want people to judge you, stop posting everything on social media sites.

No one is judging you for having random sex with 19 guys at a time. They are judging you because you were stupid enough to post that shit.

No one is judging you for being in a relationship. They are shaking their head at your stupidity because yesterday you statused about how big a piece of shit he is and how horrible he treats you, and today, you got engaged. Are you fuckin serious?!

You should probably stop tweeting every shit you take, and learn how to refrain from posting about smoking a bowl.

You are aware that current and potential employers are actually doing their social media homework on their potential hires?

EVERYTHING that you post can and will be used to show that you are a jackass, and not fit to do anything productive.

Remember kids, we live in the age of information. And sometimes, the less incriminating crap you post, the better you will be.


I know I’ve been neglecting you guys lately in blog form, and just answering questions directly, but I’ve gotten a mass of ones on the same subject, so I’m going to go ahead and just blog it. Also, since I’ve had a couple “friends” go down the path of stupidity, it seems there may be many more that will benefit from the group therapy.

I am going to start this by stating that all relationships are inherently the same. They are all subject to the same cardinal rule in order to ensure survival. Think of the rule like your gun in the Zombie Apocalypse. If you forget the rule, your relationship will be dead faster than the fat guy.  The rule: Communicate. Openly, honestly, and rationally (yeah, I’m talking to you bitches who tend to turn into Crazy McNutballs) communicate.

I know some people will say the most important thing in a relationship is trust, or loyalty, or a mutual love of bacon. But, you’re wrong. You can’t have any of those things without communication.  Communication, whether verbal or non-verbal (yes, you can do shadow puppets if you’re really good), can make or break any bond.

With that said, I will go ahead and address proper communication skills for online relationships.

Everyone these days seem to be engaging in online relationships. They say 1 in 8 marriages are couples that met online (and 3 more are probably just ashamed to admit that). But I see all too many times people think they are going to meet the one on some random website, and throw themselves into the delusional abyss that is online dating.

Here’s the thing though, you can’t actually have a REAL relationship with someone that you have never actually been WITH. At some point, for it to be more than just an exchange on a screen, you have to put both parties in the room and see if it’s really there, or it was some delusional fantasy brought about over some lies and partial truths given over a series of drunken web-chats. If you want to be able to claim rights to call someone a boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, you have to be willing to actually spend real time with them. One of the two has to actually make the trip to the other so you can see if you really like them, or if it’s just the rum (and loneliness) talking. So if you THINK you want something with someone you meet online, set a date. If it comes and goes, and no meeting, then you should probably go ahead and stop wasting your time, and your batteries.

Online relationships are also usually publicly visible, thanks to the wonders of social networking. For this reason, you probably should work a little harder on not being a big bowl of nuts. You do not have to share every psycho feeling that you have. It makes the few people who do actually talk to you regret their decision. Ever see the show Snapped? If not, you should. If only to see what happens to crazy bitches like you who go nuts and stab their ex’s new girlfriend 38 times.  Feelings like those are better left for your journal, then burned and never ever spoken about again.  

Fun tip #1 Men and women CAN be friends without ever wanting anything more from each other. Yep, it’s true. They can also joke, flirt, and talk without ever wanting to have sex with each other.  Also, if you’re worried about the good-looking people on their page, you don’t even want to know about the ones they hang out with in real life. You’re just going to drive yourself right smack into the middle of Crazy Town if you keep it up.

Fun tip #2  You can’t stake your claim on someone you have never actually met. Save yourself a ton of energy, and embarrassment, and hold off on the emotional crap until you can actually spend real time with the person you are interested in. You never know for sure if the same chemistry will be there when you’re actually face to face. So building up some irrational expectations of the life you are going to share with someone else is just that, irrational. Save the delusions for when you get old, or some nice man in a white coat will give you a big ol’ Halidol lollipop.

Fun tip #3  If the online bubble bursts, it’s not your job to ensure the other one is shamed into internet hiding. Guys, sharing her pictures she sent you during a sexting session just makes you look like a douche, and will leave you with little more than your favorite lotion. Girls, making fake accounts to stalk him and sabotage his future online flings make you psychotic. Either way, time would be much better spent doing something else, like making a sandwich.

Fun tip #4  If you want to know what the direction of a relationship is going, ask. No one can assume that you are both on the same page, unless it is stated. She might think he loves her. He might think you just want some dick. She might think he wants marriage and kids, when in reality, he wants xbox and beer. The only way to know for sure, ask.

Fun tip #5  Check your crazy regularly. Consult a trusted friend, family member, medical professional. If they tell you that you’re being looney toons, then chances are, you really are. Whatever you do, don’t ask another crazy bitch. Chances are, they will support your retardedness, and you will end up in jail, or even worse, with a tattoo of his or her name on your body.


I’ll add to these as the crazy is brought to my attention.

Until then…


Ok, here's my political rant for the day:

1. If you don't want to be treated differently than someone else, stop yelling and screaming that your gender/sexual-orientation/ race/or some other attribute you might have makes you that way. If you're a jackass, I will treat you as such, no matter what you are. You do not have the right not to be offended, and yes, we know, only God can judge you. But when you do really stupid things, like pierce your eyebrows to your cheekbones, I will make the comment that you must miss prison. And if you want someone to take you seriously, it's probably not the best idea to get something like "Psycho bitch" or "Real azz nigga" tattooed across your chest/neck/publicly visible place. You know the phrase, "Less is more," well it works. You don't want people to have an issue, then don't make it one. Tolerance works both ways.


2. There are already ways to obtain care if you don't have insurance. If you're a woman with kids and poor, you hit the free-care trifecta. So please don't tell me that you can't. I will be happy to point you to the nearest community health center that will help you figure out where to go. Socialized medicine for all is not the answer. There's a reason people came from other countries to the US for medical care.

3. Gay people have just as much a right to be unhappily married as straight people. Whoever thinks that marriage has been anything more than a business arrangement for most straight people for the last 5 decades are totally ignoring the 50% divorce rate.

4. If you go ahead and make pot legal, people will stop crapping up my facebook news feed with how safe it is. And, you may just be able to generate a whole new source of revenue by taxing it.

5. Stop whining that laws that have been upheld since the 60s and 70s are going to change. They aren't. It's just moronic to even be discussing crap that's been decided. Birth control is a wonderful thing. I wish more people would learn how to use it. BUT, I would never tell a nun that she has to provide it for someone. Especially not since any health unit in the country will. So to the ladies who don't want kids just yet, go to the public health unit and get it yourself. Also, a lot of bars give away free condoms. So do doctors. So guys, there's no reason you can't afford it either. And there are less horrible side-effects of condom use (unless you have a latex allergy) than there are to the pills anyway.

6. It is not the government's job to feed you, clothe you, pay for your transportation, or provide you with a cell phone. That's your job. But the government seems to reward you for sitting on your ass by taking it from the people who do work. Well, here's the idea: No work, no assistance. If drug dealers work off the "No pay, no play" system, and their business is making money, why can't the government do the same? Social Security and Disability are the only ones who should receive money without having to work for it, mainly because those on SSI already did, and those on disability have no choice.

7. The only way things are going to change in government is to fire EVERY SINGLE incumbent. Term-limits should be introduced for Senators and Congressmen. No more life-time benefits. Salaries should be more in line with the national average salary. PUBLIC SERVICE should be just that, someone who wants to serve the public for the good of the public. Career politicians do nothing good but further their own agendas.

8. And this is the last thing, take some PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for your choices. That goes for everything. Finances, relationships, career. The common denominator in everything in your life is you. So when there are problems, look at what you can do to change the issues and fix them for yourself. Sometimes you need help. Sometimes we all do. But you can't walk through life always holding someone's hand. You need to be able to stand for yourself. You need to be able to think for yourself. And you need to be able to rely on you.

I'm sure there's something I missed. But I'm done for now.
/end rant

Dear Ninja,

my boyfriend is coming home early and yes im happy about that but I will need his sperm a week after he leaves... what should i do?



Dear Wicked,

The saving of the sperm requires you to do a little prepwork, and a blow job (at the very least, a hand job).

First, you will need a specimen cup for his baby batter. If he's aware of the need to save his spunk, you can just have him jack off into the cup while watching a porn. If you're doing it incognito, it requires you doing the work for the squirt.

If you choose the blow job option, don't let him cum in your mouth. The saliva will start breaking down the sperm. Have him shoot on your chest, face, whatever, and scoop up your sample and put it in the jar. (if you can't find a jar, just put it in an ice tray. Depending on your purpose for needing it, that might be an easier insertion later.)

Good Luck!

Dear Ninja,

I asked a guy to be my boyfriend on the first of the month. He acknowledged the question but still hasn't given me an answer. We talk daily, hang out A LOT, and he's even spent the night a few times. This has continued to go on even after asking him but he still hasn't answered me says he's thinking about it. Is this good or bad? Should I ask him for his answer, or wait for him to come to me with it?

Confused and Impatient.


Dear Confused and Impatient,

The reason he isn't giving you the answer is because he is still involved with his other options. Sadly to say, you're probably not his priority if he isn't willing to give you a yes or no in 9 days. It's not like you asked him to move in, he's just not ready to quit getting strange. The fact that he's ducking the question any time you bring it up is another big tell that he's got someone else chowing down on his baby batter too.

If it were me, well I am not actually the best example because I avoid relationships like the plague, so another normal thinking person would stop and see he won't commit to you because he may very well already be committed to someone else.

So tell him to make a decision, because you have given plenty of time for him to "think about it." Don't invest any more of yourself in someone who is not willing to do the same.

Good Luck



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