when you put midgets in a commercial for a product....that product will sell. i don't care what it is....you could be selling unsteralized needles laced with every std known to mankind...but if there's a midget selling it, i'll buy it. i came into this particular situation when i gazed upon this commercial for the first time...
midgets selling hamburgers?....meat to cheese? no veggies? well, golly...sign me up! so, i went to burger king and had a stacker...i had me a quad on my first trip....after i finished it, i felt kinda sick...the oils and greases from the burger felt like they all rushed to my pores...my face felt like a sponge filled with oil....and as i sat in that restaurant feeling ill, only one thought entered my mind....i wanted to make an octi-stack.
i trained for weeks, friends....slowly building up my tolerance for these midget-made burgers...and finally, i attempted the octi-stack one day. oh, it was a battle, my friends....a hard-fought battle of battleness. but i emerged victorious...upon my victory, i slammed my hands on the table at the restaraunt and yelled out, "who's the king now?!?!" oh, for that one moment, it was a glorious, glorious day for little ol' apey...
....that is, it was until the dang cashier, who heard the commotion, came running over to see if anything was wrong. i explained that i had just finished an octi-stack, and so she looked at me as if mocking me and crushed my victory in one sentance: "some guy came in here and did a ten-stack before."
had there been stairs at this burger king, i may have thrown that dang cashier down them for spoiling my moment....but...instead i created a new goal in my mind...."if someone did ten, i'll do twelve," i thought to myself as my face dangled over the toilet in my queasy state. some say i was queasy from the octi-stack....i say i was queasy from that cashier.
anyway, the next weekend, i attempted the twelver...twelve burger patties stacked one atop another....twelve layers of goodness.....twelve years taken off of my life for consuming it. i decided to video tape this event to prove that i am, in fact, the burger king...and video tape it while wearing dinosaur footie pajamas that were too small for me just to show i could. the result was the video that you shall see below.
and a warning, this is a poorly made video. i didn't attempt to synch music or any of that poop. i just tried to get it out because certain folks (you know who you are) have been harassing me about it for a while....when i have time, i'll go back and do a good edit, but until then...you folks can deal with this one...but yup...here's the battle i fought that day...in a musical montage...
that was fantastic, wasn't it? it clearly shows the three stages of heck i went through while eating that abomination. it's like, in many ways, a wrestling match. it started off with me, the face, taking it to the burger, the heel. but, after a while, the burger cheats its way to being in control...i try to do several combacks by consuming part of the burger...but before i can fully get my eating momentum back, the burger gives a low-blow to my stomach and back down to the canvas i go. and, of course, at the end i hulk up and show that burger who's boss like only a poor hulk hogan impersonation can...i then lose my mind and gain a lot of intensity by screaming, yelling, and hitting myself in the chest to psyche myself up enough to finish the burger.
in the end, however.....unlike my times in the professional wresling ring, i was not the one who jobbed...it was the twelve-stack from burger king that fell to my might. however, in classic heel faction, after our battle, the stacker brutally attacked a certain area of my body and i was later on the toilet in a scene similar to the one seen with harry dunn in dumb and dumber. not good times.
anyway, friends...i could go on and on about this epic battle....but i'm tired and wish to sleep....so, take care, friends.
...and for the record...if anyone eats a twelver, video tapes it, and sends it to me on here in order to challenge my burger king crown, i may attempt a sixteen-stack just to prove that i am, in fact, the true burger king. yup.....okay, i go now. bye.
