liverwurst...a great, great product. it was obviously named on opposite day because it should be called liverbest. there is no better meat product on the market today...why? 'cause you can spread liverwurst. it's like i can't believe it's not butter...except it lacks the fabio spokesmanship. it's like the greatest sandwich meat ever...only fools eat it with a facial expression like this...
of course that fools doesn't like it, he's eating it all cooked and with a fork. liverwurst ain't no fork meat...it's a butter knife meat. spread it along a piece of bread, slap another piece of bread atop that smooth, elegant layer of greatness...and you've got a sandwich that will have you singing "hallelujah" as you drop to your knees and thank the guy in the sky for creating germans....for without germans, such a scrumptious delight would have never touched your lips. that guy, in fact, should have looks like this child here...
yeah, yeah. technically the child is eating corn. however, liverwurst is enjoyed by more children than corn on the cob...and ironically, they eat it the exact same way...except without the kernels getting stuck between their teeth. instead of kernels, with liverwurst, you get those little lard dots stuck between your teeth. much more satisfying if i do say so. it makes me want to don some lederhosen and do the funky chicken until i can funky chicken no more. but yeah, that corn-on-the-cob style of liverwust eating is a delight...but more folks eat it the way i described earlier, though...
in sandwich form. wow...look that that guy. he's really going to town on that sandwich. oh, and he's wearing a digital watch...yet he's not looking at it. you know why? he already knows what time it is - it's liverwurst goodness time. oh, yeah...liverwurst is obviously from the heavens for you to be able to tell the time when not even looking at your fancy schmancy digital watch...i'd sell my soul for that god-like ability. liverwurst is just radiating with heavenly goodness...why, just look at this can of liverwurst...
no....it can't be. there's gotta be some sort of mistake. why is the devil on that can?...it says "premium quality" on the label....surely the devil couldn't have created it...or perhaps....perhaps this whole world is just a garden of eden....no...that can't be.....but....what if it is?.....what if this guy is adam...
and this guy is eve?
....sweet muffins, it makes perfect sense....nobody eats apples anymore these days except for worms and teachers. there's no way the devil could tempt anyone with an apple....but liverwurst....the number of people the devil could tempt with liverwurst is infinite....and that fool....that old, digital watch-wearing fool...he's doomed us all with his lust for that succulent liverwurst that he plucked from the forbidden liverwurst tree.
...and while i should hate him....i can't. because like him, i'd be weak upon seeing that liverwurst...i'd devour it like a snake...i'd unhindge my jaws and everything...and i know all of you would do the exact same thing. liverwurst, is obviously the object of perfection created by the devil for all of mankind to lust and fight over. but our shoes were made for walkin', people...so i say we walk ourselves over to the devil, look him right in his beady little eyes and scream, "listen here, jerk! i don't want to fight with people, so make more liverwurst so i don't have to share!"....and he'll probably say nope....because he's the devil....he's a big poopypants.
so, really...as much as i don't want to admit it....maybe liverwurst is the reason for the world being in such a bad state....it's not greed for money or power....it's not using religion as an excuse to slaughter folks...it's lust for the one thing in life that we have that most closely resembles what old books refer to as "ambrosia"...or the elixer of the gods. indeed....liverwurst is our ambrosia....and everyone wants it...but the limited supply in the world has caused so much anger and hatred in the world....it makes me want to weep. in fact, i am weeping. i'm going to weep myself to sleep tonight as i try to figure out how such a wonderful, spirit-lifting product could bring such misery with it.
...it looks so beautiful...so peaceful...i....i can't type anymore. i've gotten myself all depressed over my beloved liverwurst. i'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now...bye.
