lawn gnomes....gardeners love 'em...the elderly adore 'em...and small children around the world are absolutely terrified by them. why, aside from scaring those little tots, would anyone enjoy plastic, petrified midgets wearing dunce caps in their yard? i want to know. if you want to know, join me as i venture deep into a metaphorical wildreness where a temple of truth awaits for us to explore and probably die in....temples have a lot of booby traps.
alrighty...to first understand why lawn gnomes seem to be so cherished and beloved, you must first understand why children are deathly afraid of the hairy, dumb midgets. to understand why children are afraid, you must have the mind of a child....and alas, i have such a mind. you see, according to myself, children are frightened of lawn gnomes because they never stop smiling. nobody smiles all the time except for clowns, and children HATE clowns. if there's like a top five fear list, clowns is number one....it goes lawn gnomes, lima beans, ghosts, anything involving barbara streisand, and clowns at the top of the list. the thing that makes clowns number one over streisand is the fact that they can fit like forty clowns in a miniature vehicle...which is rather creepy that there's that many similar-dressed people in one vehicle going to the same place at once...in other words, clowns are like street gangs...they'll pop a bullet in your nasal cavities if you look at 'em funny. but anyway, yeah...children hate clowns due to their car pooling abilities...and since clowns smile all the time, that hate and fear is subliminally put on the lawn gnomes. but what about adults?....
car pooling clowns, of course, are idolized by adults. adults love clowns just as much as children despise them. after all, car pooling helps save the environment and it also saves money. adults like to save things, so they obviously like the effort of the clowns. if, for a second, you doubt how much adults love clowns, track down an episode of bozo the clown. in all episodes of bozo the clown, you can see the fear in the eyes of the children and the playful glow in the eyes of the adults. adults are just fascinated by clowns....the fascination is so great that if they need a tour guide in an unfamiliar city, they go to clowns first....true story. take a look.
did you see the disappointment in letterman's face when he found out his wish wouldn't come true? that shows us all the passion that adults have for clowns. but anyway, when adults see lawn gnomes, they immediately feel warmth and joyful joyness and spectacular wonder towards the environment.
on the subject of the environment, when one thinks of the environment, one must also think of that robotic attention hog, al gore. i doubt it needs to be said, but al gore is number six on the children fear list....they are terrified of mr. gore. and since saving the environment reminds everyone of mr. gore, when children see lawn gnomes, they're greeted with images of clowns, which lead into images of al gore...it makes them think that lawn gnomes are going to make 'em float in a sewer while boring them to death with an environmental documentary.
alright, i think we've pretty much cleared up why children hate lawn gnomes...it's a one-two punch with clowns and al gore....but now i want to know why adults adore those lawn gnomes so much. afterall, car pooling clowns and a non-entertaining robot can't dignify the amount of love that adults have for those stupid little creatures. so, there's gotta be more subliminal association with the smiles plastered on their dumb little faces.
ahhh, that's it!! the hat! it's so obviously a dunce cap...which makes lawn gnomes dumb. adults LOVE people dumber than themselves...it makes 'em feel more intelligent. it's like a mildy attractive person hanging around a half-human/half-muppet abomination like, let's say sam donaldson...who happens to have an oddly similar appearance to one sam the eagle.
but anyway, it's like those two hanging out with each other, the mildy attractive person adore the muppet because they happen to make the mildy attractive person seem more attractive, thus shedding the mildly part when around the muppet. it's an illusion ththat adults have caught on to and abused since the 60's...yeah, it's been a long time. but yeah, that must be why adults love the lawn gnomes...other adults see a stupid little midget in someone's yard and the person in that house immediately seems more intelligent than he or she really is. i bet that's how geraldo rivera got his job...geraldo loves his gnomes.
excellent. i've solved the case. i now know why children hate lawn gnomes so much and why adults love them...the only question i have left involving lawn gnomes is whether or not i can lie on them like a bed of nails if i gather enough of them together....or are their heads too fat and wide for it to be possible? personally, i think they're a bunch of fat-heads....but...i suppose that question's answer is much like what the tootsie pops commercials say; the world may never know.
