jazz hands....if there's one thing that i strongly dislike, it's jazz hands. it's...it's just so wrong. if you're gonna wave those hands up while making stupid faces, you best be getting robbed and threatened for your life...otherwise, i might pay someone to slug you.
how exactly did jazz hands become a staple of theatre, anyway? i see photos of folks working in theatres, and they usually look like this...
how incredibly stupid does that look? let me answer that for ya....it's dumber than the rainman sans the savant parts. what exactly imspires these so-called jazz hands anyway? i've never seen a jazz singer raise their open hands and wave 'em around like a ninny....jazz singers generally look cool....and jazz hands generally make you look mentally challenged....like this lady here...
seemingly, this so-called artform of jazz hands is as addictive as any drug on the planet....but twice as deadly. jazz hands gives you ovarian cancer. i'm completely serious. ovarian cancer's leading cause is constant use of jazz hands. there's nothing more sad than seeing the look on the face of a fifteen-year-old boy after you inform him that his jazz hands gave him ovarian cancer and that he'd be dead by the end of the week from it. you doubt the cancer-giving powers of jazz hands? take a look at this jerk.
his hair is greasy from constant sweat...his eyes are widened in fear...his face is oily from rubbing a sub sandwich across it to ease his soul (a therapeutic process practiced in norway)...this guy obviously just found out he had ovarian cancer. you can tell me that men don't have ovaries, so they can't get ovarian cancer....well then, smarty pants, if they don't have ovaries, then how are they getting ovarian cancer? this is not a topic open for discussion....it's serious business. that poor guy in his orange cat shirt and sub sandwich face...he's my proof that jazz hands WILL give you ovarian cancer. it's a fact; an icy, cold fact cube dropped into a big glass of truth juice.
the sad thing is that we're not teaching our children the dangers of jazz hands...i mean, take a look at this picture...
a group of people sharing jazz hands with each other....now, correct me if i'm wrong, but those jazz hands don't look sanitized to me. those folks are rolling a pair of danger dice when they use unsanitized jazz hands...but life full of jazz hands ain't vegas. their jackpot is gonna be a bucket full of ovarian cancer coins and coupons to a free salad bar of death. i feel sorry for those people...they'll probably all wake up tomorrow with so many jtd's that they'll wanna commit suicide.
jtd's, of course, are jazzhandally transmitted diseases...and when you don't wear rubber gloves, you have a great chance of getting them. jtd's include, but aren't limited to umm.....well, it doesn't matter what they are....the fact is that they're there, they're deadly, and they're...uh.....well, it doesn't matter. what matters is that jazz hands are a deadly addiction that will kill us all one by one if we don't do something about it. but what can we do? how about put up signs?
if we have anti-jazz hands signs up, and make jazz hands illegal in these areas, perhaps we can save people....after all, second-hand jazz hands is more dangerous than actually performing jazz hands yourself...these signs can help prevent second-hand jazz hands from killing off our population. restaraunts can have jazz hands sections and non-jazz hands sections....then perhaps all public indoor areas can be jazz-hands free.....and then....maybe in time.....we can rid the world of jazz hands and the unpleasant stuff that comes with it. and maybe jazz hands will be like a raisin...
...and like a raisin, those jazz hands will dry up in the sun and shrivel up in a purple, little, wrinkly pellet...we can only hope that is the fate of jazz hands....and for the sake of our grandchildren.....we need to hope.
