it's that time of the month when i get lonely. i didn't even notice until today. but with out ever wavering for around a week up to the 5th i miss ravyn and start to dream obsessively about it. at first today i was in a rather good mood cuz of all the nice dreams, even if only dreams and now i went to lay down again and relax, but it led to me wanting to somehow make things better. then i have to force myself to stop thinking about it because i cant talk to her she doesn't want me in her life. so i'm helpless. i want to send her the video i made about her, i made it for her, i spent so much time on it, but i have to force the idea from my head. do i really need to hear her tell me to go away again?
so i'm just bleh and miserable and in confliction, maybe it's better when i hide from who i am and the way i feel? easier to get through life feeling nothing then being led to wanting her. atleast that way i don't bother her or make her sad. but, i can't help it. anytime that i let things really mean something to me it seems to come back to her, i mean she's always there but then it comes back full force. is it right to spend my whole life wanting only one thing and never going after it? i look at it two ways. it's selfish because i want to be with her, and not because she wants to be with me, but then its the only life i have and i'll never be happy this way.
i don't know. i keep hearing how happy she is now and everything, so i ought to force myself to not do things and try to talk to her and such. i don't want to be the stalker obsessive ex boyfriend but i seem to be good at that, it's been a year you think things would change? i told her they never would and it keeps seeming that i'm right, yet seems only i'll never change. a few times i thought i would and then i didn't. i know i'd do anything if it would make it better, but it seems like i shouldn't keep trying because it never works anyways and it's not what she wants. i wish she realized how constant it really is even when i ignore it, that she truly has always been in my heart. i wish she would believe i love her and know it. but, how do you make someone see you love them when all they want to do is pretend you don't and that it's all manipulative lies? she tries to pretend things are different then they are.
as if trying to run from something. *sigh* ofcourse i've been gone so long i don't know anything anymore. she's a ghost from a long lost dream that never quite fades away. i just always get so conflicted because i know how i feel and that it doesn't change, i know love is the only thing that matters to me, yet i also know when i persue my heart nothing comes of it. silence doesn't change anything and neither does action. yet i keep having dreams over and over saying things will be ok. i've never had so many dreams, and i know i have premenitions which always makes me think well maybe... i could play scenarios in my mind so much yet i dont but sometimes they come it's frustrating having to force them away because they give me hope and a purpose yet i have to so i don't cause her pain. i hate that.
it's like i'm inlove and can't let myself be. actually it's exactly that. sometimes i wish it could be years from now just so i could find her and say see i told you i'd always love you. it's been ten years and i've still thought of you every day and dreamt of you every night. or that i would find myself near death and she found out i was close to dying so i could die knowing that i love her and she would know. i donno i'm selfish. i want to care about only her, and see only her, anyways i'm done. it's a repeating thing so no sense going on forever when i go on about it almost every day, atleast in my own mind.
