i started reading the second book in the twilight series but i had to put it down. i don't think i can emotionally handle reading that book right now. i'm almost over ravyn, but i still think of her every day i still have flashbacks and it's too much to put myself through the pain of her turning cold and walking away from me. and i feel sick. i've felt lonely and out of sorts the last few days well on and off for the last few weeks really and to be honest for the last 4 years if not my whole life. but i don't feel good my head swims anytime i sit up my face has been bright red and feels really warm like i have a fever and my mind has been overwelming me the last few days. i couldnt sleep on monday and some reason i kept thinking of my friend in NC thinking if she's the one cuz she's always been there and such, i despise feeling like i can't trust my emotions anymore they switch at times so suddenly in my desperation.
liking more than one person and caring for so many people is torture to me. but already i think that's passed and i've stopped being stupid again. even now i still have memories of my ex almost 4 years and she still hasn't let me be. i'm almost over her more than i've ever been because i no longer believe she's the one and i'm no longer trying to hold on, but she's still there. feeling crappy keeps making me think of the one birthday she spent with me. we were at the skatepark at about 10pm and i felt sick so i was laying on her lap on a bench. it was the first time i ever let her be the one to take care of me. seems things fell apart soon as i gave into being weak and letting her care for me. no more thinking of the past it's useless it's gone and it'll never return. i just wish i didn't feel so broken. i wish that something could remain.
i'm trying so hard to be positive to not give up on life this time. i've been more positive than i have since i finally gave up on ravyn accepting i'd never hold her again. i keep whispering to the air to some imaginary person that i love her and i'll find her. i stay alive pretending someone is there pretending someone loves me and always will that someone is connected to me. over the last few weeks my suicidal thoughts have started to come back. i don't know if they ever entirely left. they aren't as dominant as they were before at least. i used to obsessively think of suicide every moment of every day for 3 years. though i knew i never would mostly i think because i'm too weak. because i dont care enough to die. i'm so broken and void of strong feeling and motivation most of the time that i couldnt die. and when i feel i feel so much that for some reason the pain forces me through.
when life is the worse i see it as a challenge so i can't give up. it's when it feels meaningless and numb that i just want to lay and die. it's horrible that i think of such things as getting cancer or being in some horrible accident so i may finally die or maybe love will finally show itself in my darkest hour. ive not had those thoughts in a while but found myself today wishing i had some horrible disease or something so i could just accept misery and hopefully death and leave everything behind or that someone would show they care that love would appear and save me. it's stupid we shouldn't wish harm on ourselves to find love. you shouldn't wait until the one you love is in grave parril to show them you love. you should never hide that you love them. *sigh* i can't read this book anymore but i just feel even more empty if i'm not reading.
if i sit up on the computer my head hurts i feel distant and like i'm going to float away. sleep or reading and sitting in bed are the only two things that seem to help. i already slept an hour or two when i got home because i felt icky. i dont think my body would let me sleep more right now and i'm a bit worried laying in bed just laying there will only make my head worse it seems laying in bed all day yesturday is what made me feel so crappy. it could be because i havent smoked in a few days or because of having some energy drinks again i dont know. i don't ussually smoke. i did for 6 months in MN and than stopped when i moved back than started again about 6 months ago. ill smoke for like a month quit for a few months well i wont say quit if i feel like smoking i will but ive never been adicted i can start or stop at anytime and i honestly dont even know why i do i dont enjoy it.
started off as just a way of self destruction now sometimes i simply do because i feel like it. than i stop after i smoke a pack for a while until i randomly feel live buying another pack. i think i may be supposed to play a show today but i don't know if so i dont think i will i don't feel good. sort of feel like laying in bed hoping for a death that will never come. but i try to not be negative that is why i stopped reading the book because i already started to think of the past again and feel hopeless and in despair. i was ok shedding my hope for death and hoping for something more even if nothing ever will last. i don't want to go back to missing ravyn and the inevitable feeling of failing love and that i wasn't strong enough for her and the million other depressing emotions that come with it. i wish i could dream of someone holding me. since i stopped dreaming of ravyn ive had few dreams of being with anyone.
when i dreamt of ravyn i woke up depressed but it gave comfort and the feeling i missed so much while i slept. but it always made the next day really crappy and made me want to die more. at least i could remember what the feeling was i suppose. i've felt so void of feeling lately so alone for so long, yet trying harder to hold onto myself. it seems i've just started to replace ravyn's name with another which does nothing though i can't seem to help it. sometimes i just want to run into a wall and knock myself unconscious. which i all but tried to do during the phase of me and ravyn trying to be friends. i remember slamming my head into the hard brick wall at school out of frustration.
maybe it's karma, i never wanted to hurt her maybe i couldn't help it. but, how long do i have to suffer? she's moved on she's happy she probably is still with kevin. damnet why now do i think of this again? because i've never had a period of hopelessness and depressing last so long. it used to be i would snap out of it by the summer, i was more crazy and i was happy over the summer that's true. i played a lot of online shows started to fall in love a few times it always ended. but it just feels a routine. as i look back on life it's always the same repeat of ups and downs it seems. spurts of motivation than crashing into despair and secluding from the world depressed and alone wondering why i even breath. i know thinking and writing isn't going to change anything that's why i havent written blogs in the last year or two.
for the first two years after ravyn i used to write 5 blog entries a day. at least it keeps me busy i guess. *sigh* i just wish i could curl up in bed in someone's arms and fall asleep and yet i know i'd run from the oppertunity if it arose. i could be close enough to people and even get someone to date me if i wanted. but ill always push them away. i did that with judy i havent talked to her since i went to record my album, it feels better being with someone but it also reminds me more that it's not the right person and i feel too guilty for the other and i know people fall in love with me and feel more even when i don't so i avoid letting such things happen. just feels like once again there is no point to the days they just drag on leading no where.
at least my album should be done soon. that will give me new motivation hopefully. it's just not the same with out someone to sing to. it's hard to do such things when it used to always feel so magical and now it's so rare that it feels that way. most of the time nothing feels like there is true meaning to it. i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to feel like this forever. i don't want my heart to jump from moment to moment. i just want to be taken away. look into her eyes and know where i belong. i feel like crying for help begging for help but i don't know of who i ask anymore. everytime my thoughts of suicide return i feel a little more like i actually could each time. simply because it becomes the only thing i havent done.
