went for one of my ussual walks is pretty tonight. decided to go down a street i had never been before and than made a turn randomly because the street happened to catch my attention because it was darker than the others no street lights. so followed it up a winding hill with no sidewalk and little room between me and any of the few cars that passed by. over all not a seemingly safe street. as i walked up the hill it got mystier and prettier. and i kept going until i had to walk on grass to not be in the street. i found myself looking off into the mist finding it pretty and wanting to be there, yet human nature tells us we aren't supposed to wander into random trees on the side of the road or into people's yards and all of that.
eventually i had stopped walking stared into the trees, was a sort of woodsy area a ways from any houses though i could still see houses they were all the way down the foresty hill. i kept wanting to be in the trees and suddenly as if i wasn't controlling myself i simply walked a little ways to one of the first big trees that was down bellow the street so no one could see you sat down against the tree and just kept looking and listening and than often closing my eyes. oddly felt safer in the trees at night with the rain and the haunting feeling though still felt alone. always makes my mind turn off because i'm too intently listening and waiting. always waiting and than i feel like i can't move even if i want to or like i shouldn't move but just sit and wait.
though no matter how long ive waited or closely ive listened whatever i seem to always search for never comes to me and always ends up making me sad. eventually just got up and came home. i want to take like a week and be completely away from the world i think that would be nice. to search for something deeper. i wont have money for a vacation for a rather long time though. i'll be completely broke in a week after i record an album. perhaps i just need to claim my nights back i work nights because i prefer the night yet i find it takes away my ability to go out in the night and enjoy the night. and i miss woods and trees and such things. the city and houses aren't as nice to walk through.
feels like you're not truly away from society. i miss the park by my old house, and i miss the bike trail in MN that was nice to walk on at night i felt rather haunted. perhaps once i record my album i will move back to MN get my own place again and be able to do just music i don't know my motivation seems to have died again. this time of year i just want to curl up in bed or in the forest and cuddle. but i have no one to cuddle with though i'm trying to re learn how to enjoy life alone. its often more meaningful by one's self just hard for me to control emotions and how much is there when i'm alone so i end up focusing on shallow things. when i close my mind i always feel something there is a deep fear and yet a love of whatever it is that's there.
i always feel someone haunts me. i talk to her though i'm probably just crazy and longing for a love that's greater than this world. it scares me to think that my angel would suffer through hell alone because of a fear to drag me through that pain. or that it's someone i have already found but she can't see me or i can't see her. but anyways i think i'm going to read or something trying to do things i enjoy again and not run from myself or emotions or fear. though i'm always terrified in life. terrified of what i don't know. i feel less afraid in the dark when no one is around though the fear i feel is almost a deeper fear it feels like one that means more to me and doesn't bother me so much. the fear i feel when alone is sweeter than the fear of others around me.
