Chance's blog: "life"

i started reading the second book in the twilight series but i had to put it down. i don't think i can emotionally handle reading that book right now. i'm almost over ravyn, but i still think of her every day i still have flashbacks and it's too much to put myself through the pain of her turning cold and walking away from me. and i feel sick. i've felt lonely and out of sorts the last few days well on and off for the last few weeks really and to be honest for the last 4 years if not my whole life. but i don't feel good my head swims anytime i sit up my face has been bright red and feels really warm like i have a fever and my mind has been overwelming me the last few days. i couldnt sleep on monday and some reason i kept thinking of my friend in NC thinking if she's the one cuz she's always been there and such, i despise feeling like i can't trust my emotions anymore they switch at times so suddenly in my desperation. liking more than one person and caring for so many people is torture to me. but already i think that's passed and i've stopped being stupid again. even now i still have memories of my ex almost 4 years and she still hasn't let me be. i'm almost over her more than i've ever been because i no longer believe she's the one and i'm no longer trying to hold on, but she's still there. feeling crappy keeps making me think of the one birthday she spent with me. we were at the skatepark at about 10pm and i felt sick so i was laying on her lap on a bench. it was the first time i ever let her be the one to take care of me. seems things fell apart soon as i gave into being weak and letting her care for me. no more thinking of the past it's useless it's gone and it'll never return. i just wish i didn't feel so broken. i wish that something could remain. i'm trying so hard to be positive to not give up on life this time. i've been more positive than i have since i finally gave up on ravyn accepting i'd never hold her again. i keep whispering to the air to some imaginary person that i love her and i'll find her. i stay alive pretending someone is there pretending someone loves me and always will that someone is connected to me. over the last few weeks my suicidal thoughts have started to come back. i don't know if they ever entirely left. they aren't as dominant as they were before at least. i used to obsessively think of suicide every moment of every day for 3 years. though i knew i never would mostly i think because i'm too weak. because i dont care enough to die. i'm so broken and void of strong feeling and motivation most of the time that i couldnt die. and when i feel i feel so much that for some reason the pain forces me through. when life is the worse i see it as a challenge so i can't give up. it's when it feels meaningless and numb that i just want to lay and die. it's horrible that i think of such things as getting cancer or being in some horrible accident so i may finally die or maybe love will finally show itself in my darkest hour. ive not had those thoughts in a while but found myself today wishing i had some horrible disease or something so i could just accept misery and hopefully death and leave everything behind or that someone would show they care that love would appear and save me. it's stupid we shouldn't wish harm on ourselves to find love. you shouldn't wait until the one you love is in grave parril to show them you love. you should never hide that you love them. *sigh* i can't read this book anymore but i just feel even more empty if i'm not reading. if i sit up on the computer my head hurts i feel distant and like i'm going to float away. sleep or reading and sitting in bed are the only two things that seem to help. i already slept an hour or two when i got home because i felt icky. i dont think my body would let me sleep more right now and i'm a bit worried laying in bed just laying there will only make my head worse it seems laying in bed all day yesturday is what made me feel so crappy. it could be because i havent smoked in a few days or because of having some energy drinks again i dont know. i don't ussually smoke. i did for 6 months in MN and than stopped when i moved back than started again about 6 months ago. ill smoke for like a month quit for a few months well i wont say quit if i feel like smoking i will but ive never been adicted i can start or stop at anytime and i honestly dont even know why i do i dont enjoy it. started off as just a way of self destruction now sometimes i simply do because i feel like it. than i stop after i smoke a pack for a while until i randomly feel live buying another pack. i think i may be supposed to play a show today but i don't know if so i dont think i will i don't feel good. sort of feel like laying in bed hoping for a death that will never come. but i try to not be negative that is why i stopped reading the book because i already started to think of the past again and feel hopeless and in despair. i was ok shedding my hope for death and hoping for something more even if nothing ever will last. i don't want to go back to missing ravyn and the inevitable feeling of failing love and that i wasn't strong enough for her and the million other depressing emotions that come with it. i wish i could dream of someone holding me. since i stopped dreaming of ravyn ive had few dreams of being with anyone. when i dreamt of ravyn i woke up depressed but it gave comfort and the feeling i missed so much while i slept. but it always made the next day really crappy and made me want to die more. at least i could remember what the feeling was i suppose. i've felt so void of feeling lately so alone for so long, yet trying harder to hold onto myself. it seems i've just started to replace ravyn's name with another which does nothing though i can't seem to help it. sometimes i just want to run into a wall and knock myself unconscious. which i all but tried to do during the phase of me and ravyn trying to be friends. i remember slamming my head into the hard brick wall at school out of frustration. maybe it's karma, i never wanted to hurt her maybe i couldn't help it. but, how long do i have to suffer? she's moved on she's happy she probably is still with kevin. damnet why now do i think of this again? because i've never had a period of hopelessness and depressing last so long. it used to be i would snap out of it by the summer, i was more crazy and i was happy over the summer that's true. i played a lot of online shows started to fall in love a few times it always ended. but it just feels a routine. as i look back on life it's always the same repeat of ups and downs it seems. spurts of motivation than crashing into despair and secluding from the world depressed and alone wondering why i even breath. i know thinking and writing isn't going to change anything that's why i havent written blogs in the last year or two. for the first two years after ravyn i used to write 5 blog entries a day. at least it keeps me busy i guess. *sigh* i just wish i could curl up in bed in someone's arms and fall asleep and yet i know i'd run from the oppertunity if it arose. i could be close enough to people and even get someone to date me if i wanted. but ill always push them away. i did that with judy i havent talked to her since i went to record my album, it feels better being with someone but it also reminds me more that it's not the right person and i feel too guilty for the other and i know people fall in love with me and feel more even when i don't so i avoid letting such things happen. just feels like once again there is no point to the days they just drag on leading no where. at least my album should be done soon. that will give me new motivation hopefully. it's just not the same with out someone to sing to. it's hard to do such things when it used to always feel so magical and now it's so rare that it feels that way. most of the time nothing feels like there is true meaning to it. i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to feel like this forever. i don't want my heart to jump from moment to moment. i just want to be taken away. look into her eyes and know where i belong. i feel like crying for help begging for help but i don't know of who i ask anymore. everytime my thoughts of suicide return i feel a little more like i actually could each time. simply because it becomes the only thing i havent done.

went for one of my ussual walks is pretty tonight. decided to go down a street i had never been before and than made a turn randomly because the street happened to catch my attention because it was darker than the others no street lights. so followed it up a winding hill with no sidewalk and little room between me and any of the few cars that passed by. over all not a seemingly safe street. as i walked up the hill it got mystier and prettier. and i kept going until i had to walk on grass to not be in the street. i found myself looking off into the mist finding it pretty and wanting to be there, yet human nature tells us we aren't supposed to wander into random trees on the side of the road or into people's yards and all of that. eventually i had stopped walking stared into the trees, was a sort of woodsy area a ways from any houses though i could still see houses they were all the way down the foresty hill. i kept wanting to be in the trees and suddenly as if i wasn't controlling myself i simply walked a little ways to one of the first big trees that was down bellow the street so no one could see you sat down against the tree and just kept looking and listening and than often closing my eyes. oddly felt safer in the trees at night with the rain and the haunting feeling though still felt alone. always makes my mind turn off because i'm too intently listening and waiting. always waiting and than i feel like i can't move even if i want to or like i shouldn't move but just sit and wait. though no matter how long ive waited or closely ive listened whatever i seem to always search for never comes to me and always ends up making me sad. eventually just got up and came home. i want to take like a week and be completely away from the world i think that would be nice. to search for something deeper. i wont have money for a vacation for a rather long time though. i'll be completely broke in a week after i record an album. perhaps i just need to claim my nights back i work nights because i prefer the night yet i find it takes away my ability to go out in the night and enjoy the night. and i miss woods and trees and such things. the city and houses aren't as nice to walk through. feels like you're not truly away from society. i miss the park by my old house, and i miss the bike trail in MN that was nice to walk on at night i felt rather haunted. perhaps once i record my album i will move back to MN get my own place again and be able to do just music i don't know my motivation seems to have died again. this time of year i just want to curl up in bed or in the forest and cuddle. but i have no one to cuddle with though i'm trying to re learn how to enjoy life alone. its often more meaningful by one's self just hard for me to control emotions and how much is there when i'm alone so i end up focusing on shallow things. when i close my mind i always feel something there is a deep fear and yet a love of whatever it is that's there. i always feel someone haunts me. i talk to her though i'm probably just crazy and longing for a love that's greater than this world. it scares me to think that my angel would suffer through hell alone because of a fear to drag me through that pain. or that it's someone i have already found but she can't see me or i can't see her. but anyways i think i'm going to read or something trying to do things i enjoy again and not run from myself or emotions or fear. though i'm always terrified in life. terrified of what i don't know. i feel less afraid in the dark when no one is around though the fear i feel is almost a deeper fear it feels like one that means more to me and doesn't bother me so much. the fear i feel when alone is sweeter than the fear of others around me.

had somewhat odd dreams lately and some nightmares. last night i had a dream of my ex we were sitting on my bed and she was talking to her dad i guess we were supposed to go somewhere for a holiday or something and she had said how i'm a big boy and can get there on my own or something i donno. i think it was a little sexual too. i actually slept 6 hours sunday night and all day monday but i don't remember any of the dreams except the two dreams i had in the last hour before work. i dreamt of my ex, and than i had a nightmare type dream. it seemed like a movie though that probably has come out. i saw the dream as a movie too. there was a guy and a girl i think maybe more people it was in a building that i think was underground. it would get dark than snakes would appear they sort of flashed blue and there poop glowed blue too. they were sort of big but not huge at first and the guy and girl would shoot them. whenever it got dark cuz the lights flickered they would start to appear. than suddenly there were really huge ones and one of them started to eat the girl and the guy was shooting it with a machine gun and than another snake bit his arm as he was shooting the one that had eaten the girl. i'm sure there was a little more detail to it but that's the basis of the dream. it didn't scare me dreams don't scare or bother me. well i got a bit frightened when i dreamt of a ghost a few days in a row in minnesota but it was almost a good frightened i had hoped for something more. those dreams i would dream of waking than some scary stuff would happen than i would wake for real. one day though i donno if i was awake or not i remember my jacket was in the air.. i think the nightmare was good though because it gave me something to think of to keep me going because my alarm didn't go off so i had to run to the bus so i sort of used the nightmare and thinking of love and fighting for love to run enough to get there. i seem out of shape or i just ran rather fast but i didnt seem to run far and my heart was burning :/ used to be able to run miles and not be bothered i think its because i was running faster than ussual and i still have good endurance but i've lost my ability to run at faster speeds from not really running much in years. i was thinking of someone i love being eaten by the snake and holding her hand for dear life. than was thinking and if it were like that and there was nothing i'd do if i loved her i would shoot her to end her pain and than shoot myself.. i wouldn't want someone i love to suffer that. than the thought led to holding said person in death and being all close and away from the world :) nothing else much is new work was ok. boring because it's slow, i'm tired of working near my foster sister and seeing people be lazy but didn't get to me too much last night i didnt seem to run into people too much was nice just working in silence as i try to do for the most part. i think the wheather is making me tired. i've had a desire to lay in bed and not really do anything lately yet at the same time laying in bed always feels lonely. sometimes my friend is over but that always leads to more :/ though i don't think i should do stuff with her.. doesn't feel right.. and than if we just lay and i start to fall asleep i just think of someone else.. which isn't right. i donno i feel more completely laying next to someone and sleep better but still it's best to suffer alone if it's not someone you love i guess. though perhaps i always will be alone anyways.. meh donno. but yeah that's my crazy dreams. think i had more the night before but don't overly remember them i remember i had another dream of ravyn and we were umm running around the track at school i think and some dream of these flying creatures trying to break into a building to steal another creatures child or something weird like that not sure. seem to have a mix of nightmares last two days. it's sort of weird because i haven't dreamt of ravyn in about 5 months because my mind has been so occuppied with many people being close to them and thinking of life so much i sort of finally forgot her. but i'm not bothered by the dreams anymore and they don't cause me to want to be with ravyn so much as they used to. i know i miss what we had i've not had so much or shared so much with anyone else i nthe world, but i know it's not worth dying for.. but i'll keep breathing and i'll find the girl worth dying for.. or force my heart open more each day until she see's who i am.. but that's it here's to hoping that it's worth to breath :) and if not at least i tried and eventually i will die.

the rain falls outside of her window as she looks out wishing for someone to come and save her from the death she feels consuming her deep inside, yet her eyes are too blind to see that a savior has wandered into her heart watching her from afar longing to hold her wishing she would open her eyes to see he's there beside her wrapping his every ounce of love and being around her longing to warm her frozen heart and save her from the past but weighted down by his own ball and chain his tattered soul can't break through the mortal world strong enough to touch her. out of the death of a thousand sighs longing for a moment to last but too weak and broken to hold on too afraid to gain a love and lose again from a hundred years of a hundred pains breathing dying living fading like the wind on a cold winters night left alone she sits not seeing that angel hovering above her so close yet so far it seems unable to pierce through the ice too broken himself to see what's inside yet knowing its there the same as they both are too torn to reach out and give what they both need so desperately an unbreakable bond a love that will never die. time will never take away but each moment with out such trust tears apart the hearts worn bitter and thin. he loves her until he dies but how do they see that truth? cry a river of unspoken words to bring back a destiny of words words that seem to mean so little anymore yet an endless search to find to find a breath of air heart memory distance time truth lies tell the way show the path follow me take my hand into the dark and into light to burn and breath live and die care not just take my hand now love here now love take now love die burn fade kill hate love love of a thousand love of a million tear of a night broke of a word dead of a moment of time space eternity dead to die live to sigh and cry and cry you cry and cry tonight tonight the day the broken weak and lost hopeless and shattered withered and faded torn apart and float away to a land of dream a land of time we used to have. the death of a thousand sighs of a thousand tears of a night.

I Fell in Love with a Ghost It started one night while I was asleep, though I first thought it just to be a dream. She came to me dressed in black with long black hair and kissed me on the lips. It seemed the usual dream of a teenager trying to escape from the loneliness that lives inside in tell she vanished and reappeared. My new love was a ghost and entered into my body. Amusing myself, and those around me, I began to float in the air using her spirit. Such dreams are not unusual for me being an eighteen year old boy with a very dark and morbid mind, so, I thought nothing of it but a mere reaching out in loneliness. Upon awakening to the feeling that a ghost was present, I shrugged it off as a mere remainder of the dream, although I did hold hopes that it was more then a dream, begging her to show herself to me and free me from my loneliness. As I lay awake and reached out with my mind, I was aware that it seemed rather silly but I desperately needed someone or something to believe in. For the following nights I continued to have strange dreams that aided to my secretly growing thought that she was not just a spark in my imagination, but real. Each night the dreams became more alive and it became harder to distinct dream from reality. Dreams became so closely related to the real world that I could feel her breath upon my skin and taste her on my lips. Though I had such longing for it to be more then fantasy I would not be so blind as to believe it was anything more then a fantasy created in my head. I knew that my imagination was often wild and would create things to make life more worth living. Several times had I tried to create someone to consistently dream of and be with during the nights, searching for something to make living not so hard. Never before had I succeeded in dreaming of an imaginary person more then once though, and every night found me in the arms of someone else in tell now. During one of these visits to my dreams I asked her if she was real, because I knew that I was dreaming. “Yes,” she told me and said that dreams were the only place She could really communicate with me. Of course, I still found it hard to believe because my mind could just be creating the response that I wanted to hear, none the less it gave me a little bit of hope. It may seem foolish of me, but one finds it hard to hold back the slightest thought or emotion when they are dreaming even if conscience of there actions because they feel so utterly safe and in control so I told her that I loved her and I wished it was real. Mornings became a struggle to get out of bed, even more so then before and I have never been one for getting out of bed except for the rare occasion I feel some strong excitement for getting up, which has happened on perhaps two occasions. Often during the day I began to take naps even when I was not tired at all in hopes of seeing and holding my friend. Now it was beyond the point of being just a dream and I cared not if it was real anymore, but was merely happy that something was making me happy. She was mine, and made me feel complete. It would seem mad to explain to someone that I’d fallen in love with a ghost, but I felt a strong sense of loyalty to her as though she were real. If I went out to places and some one started to flirt with me I would try and avoid the situation and felt uncomfortable hugging other girls as though she would be jealous. When times found me scared or depressed my thoughts would go to her. There were always plenty of false memories and dreams from the night before to get me through the day as well as the new fantasies I would create in my head while awake. Never did she tell me her name for there was no need. When we were together words were rarely spoken and it seemed we could simply understand what the other wanted and needed. At first we would spend hours every night simply holding each other in one room or another created in my mind, but over time we began to go places and do things. In dreams we could go anywhere we wanted, and do anything that we pleased. The freedom was more then words can explain and it makes me wonder why anyone would ever want to be awake. She was everything I had ever wanted, and everything she did seemed perfect in my mind. This made me feel more that I had simply created her, because she was the embodiment of all I saw beautiful. There was a consistency in her actions and the way she was though that seemed much too complicated to have been simply created in my mind. She wasn’t just things I thought of, but things so beautiful I could not have imagined. After awakening one night I began to beg for her again. I begged that she was real and would show me who she was. “I love you and I don’t want to be alone anymore,” I began to plea. “I love you too,” came the unexpected reply. So sure that I had simply heard it in my head as one often does when they are very tired I began to cry. Over and over in my mind I asked why I couldn’t hold her, or kiss her. Why couldn’t I give her everything and always be by her side? It seemed unfair that I could not truly be with her. Maybe if my tears had not been so strong and my sadness so great I would have been scared, but the next thing I knew she was sitting next to me and holding her. More of a feeling with in such as in dream came from her, though I could still feel a slight physical feeling of her comforting arms around me. Transparent as she was I could tell it took all of her strength to show herself to me, to comfort me. Each night she grew stronger and her visits lasted longer. One day she would never have to leave and I would never cry again. As I thought of this I started to have questions of how we would make it work. Though I felt as though I loved her I did not know how to explain it to family and friends. During the nights no one was awake to be aware of her visits, but what if she all the sudden started being with me during the day? Surely it would shock people her lack of being a physical person, and it would seem odd that she simply appeared in my room for I was not living on my own at this time, but still at home. Perhaps she felt my confusion and wanted to make life easier for me, or perhaps it had offended her that my love was not strong enough to keep me from worrying about how to explain it to other. Whatever the case was, her visits suddenly stopped and she was no longer in my dreams. Over time I began to believe it had all merely been dreams and as the months passed I started to forget about her all together. Now my nights had become as lonely as the days and I lost the comfort of remembering my dreams. To try and get myself out of the house I decided to play guitar at a coffee shop. It had been months since playing last because I lived so far away from town, and I needed to get in the habit of playing once more if I ever planned to go anywhere with music. Calm peace consumed me as I entered the place and when I began to play it seemed as though I had entered another world or a dream. Suddenly all of my thoughts and dreams of the lovely ghost flooded my mind as if she had never left. As I looked out into the crowd I could tell they felt the passion and love that was forming in my mind. They could have been laughing at this point though, and I wouldn’t have cared for this was my own place where nothing could hurt me. Looking out into the crowd I noticed a familiar face, and a bit of anxiety started to form in my chest. Before me stood the same long black hair and the same black clothes that I had grown to love. Such passion and emotion grew inside of me as I looked at the flesh and blood replicate of the girl I had so deeply loved. It was no surprise that I found myself staring at her, and looking away in hopes that she hadn’t noticed. A few times I could have sworn I caught her staring at me as well, and more then an audience member watches a performer. There seemed to be something more hidden in her eyes. For the last song I began to sing one I had written for my ghost though, she had never heard it before because it was written after she left my side. The power was more then I could keep inside and as the months of loneliness began to pour through me and the pain of losing her came fourth. I began to find it hard not to cry. Every one in the coffee shop was silent, and it seemed as though they could feel each word sang. Looking at my black haired beauty I noticed she was crying and I knew it had to be true. Seeing her tears was more then I could bear, and the intensity grew even stronger though I thought there was no possible way to feel any more passion then I already did. After finishing the song, I stepped off the stage and walked towards her. As we looked at each other, an overwhelming joy came inside of me. Running my hands through her hair, I began to kiss away her tears. “I love you and I missed you,” I whispered in her ear. This is how I fell in love with a ghost and brought her back to life. As I am writing this she sleeps next to me and I pray she shall never leave. Though, I cannot be certain that she will not one day vanish or that I shall wake up and realize this is but another dream, I know she shall always remain in my heart as the one who kept my soul alive. .... this is for mary hopefully she will read it :) always dreamt of a ghost and i pray my ghosty vampire will see this and know who i am

a girl in michigan who i rarely even talk to has been obsessed with me since she first talked to me and i dont know why. we never say much of anything yet she's infatuated with me and wants to have my babies. anyways, today her bf was over and earlier he had asked her if they could have sex tonight and she told him tonight when he came over that if he only wanted sex she didn't want to be with them, and so they broke up. first she was asking me if she should have sex with him or not, then i said she ought do what she wants but not something she'll regret. so she broke up with him. then not long after she sent me a messege on myspace asking if i'd be her online bf until she meets me in person. ofcourse i said no as politely as possible and such. it's not the first time she has pretty much begged me to love her. one time she literally begged me to love her or to at least pretend that i did.. she seems to think that nothing could ever go wrong if i was with her and blah blah blah, but she isn't even my type or anything so i dont understand the infatuation.. i mean half the time i'm either annoyed with her or we don't talk. the evil part of me gets tempted to use her to fill my own void, but i can't do that it's cruel. it's better to just keep pushing her away. i had work today after my 3 days off oh joy. it wasn't bad though went by faster then ussual. i worked with felicity for a while which was nice since i havent seen or heard much from her the last few months. my only buddy i have here and we already drifted apart just like i told her always happens though she as many before said it wouldn't happen. i've been writing a weird book that i have set up in a way that it has no real plot but can jump from idea to idea with out having to continue the same thought and characters. i finally found a way so i can keep writing something but not have to continue the same thought and plot each day i go to write. each time i write it wanders off in it's own little directions though still connecting back to a few themes and such. it's kind of interesting i s'pose. it seems a good way to keep myself writing and i feel i need to complete something or i won't feel motivated and like i can accomplish anything, so for now i will write this loose ended ramble of thoughts until i have the motivation and passion to finish my more structured pieces. in a few days i've already written 10 pages front and back which is quite a bit saying as lately its taken months just to write a couple paragraphs. i have been writing it on real paper it seems often to work better that way cuz on the computer i feel more conscious of what i write somehow as if writing it on the comp i'm already worried about others reading it or something. it's more personal to write it on paper, and its easier to write when i can curl in bad and be a bit more relaxed, or write pieces of it at work and other places. i ought to do some of my other writing off of the computer as well, i just hate the tedious task of typing out what i write. typing page after page sucks.. i spent days and sleepless nights copying all of my poems onto the computer when i did my poetry book for my senior project. it's mostly annoying having to read a few words type pause read type. it would be easier if someone were reading the words or i could easily read them while typing them but i cant really do that. there's a program where you can speak and it will type what you speak, my dad has it, that'd be nifty i was gonna borrow it from him once and put it on the computer, i ought to look into one of those cuz then i could sometimes write stories by speaking them. it would perhaps make it sound more realistic or something. of course i'd always be able to edit and such, but would be much quicker. especially for simply copying what i wrote on paper onto the computer. i work the midnight tomorrow so im staying up. tho im debating going to sleep soon. im really just sitting here now and there's nothing to really do. no one is on to talk to, and i've burnt myself out on music for the night i think. i watched all my movies that i borrowed from my foster mom and such over my three days off so i got nothing good to watch. i got to talk to my cousin soon and find out about casey moving in with her bf and two cats, but i don't want to. i dont really know how to bring it up grr i hate having to ask people if things are ok, i always feel afraid though i know the worse they can do is say no, but i feel like i donno. stupid insecurity that's held me back my whole life. i told casey id ask about the cats by money tho so i s'pose before i go to work monday i'll call dawn. i'll just make sure to get up at like 5 or something so she isnt already in bed. well i guess that's all i have to write. why is it no one that really wants to be with me is even someone i kinda want to be with? owell.

i just wrote a blog on myspace yet still seems i need to write, yet i'm to confused to even really put things into words. i've been having lots of deja vu's involving movies i've watched the last two days, and suddenly i feel scared. i'm not sure of what exactly though suddenly i'm starting to wonder if i'm becoming skitzo like my brother. it's in my jeans, and i'm getting near the age where one is most likely to snap. right now i'm not even sure if i'm really alive, i'm starting to seriously question if i've even been born yet or what is going on. i'd almost like to think that i haven't been born yet and this is just a glimpse of what's to happen so that i may avoid certain things.. and then ponder if i've lived this same life over and over. so often do things happen that i feel has already happened as if this entire world this life has been played over and over. i feel tired by it. i'm tired of knowing what happens in movies i've never seen, tired of knowing pain is inevitable. i'm tired of loving and knowing that person will in due time leave me. knowing what will happen makes the process happen all too quickly. if i am to believe that i have gone through this life time and time again, then i must accept the inevitable truth that i will love ravyn until i die.. i thought writing a new blog would help me sort things out, yet i still don't know how to put words out. i feel guarded like i'm afraid to realize something so i write in a somewhat passive disconnected way. i feel like i'm closed to some hidden truth with in or something. blinded by my own soul. am i going insane? am i already insane? did i imagine ravyn in my head? live a secret non existant life like that one guy in that movie that.. i saw with ravyn.. or did i? i think i saw it with her.. i can't even really remember the movie that much, i can't even remember if i saw it or dreamt it. i think i saw it at least.. and i think when i saw it i thought i'd seen it before.. have i lived out my entire life in my sleep? or at least most of it? what purpose does it serve to go through the same pains over and over again? i know i sound crazy, and right now i feel crazy. i feel emotionally broken and so lost, and i don't know why. i feel such desperation all of the sudden. i think this is how i felt before i met ravyn and perhaps right when i met her. like i'm not in the same world anymore. like.. there's.. something more? something more. that's it. like there's more i'm more something greater then life greater then all of this.. greater then reality. i donno. maybe im just out of it cuz i havent been able to really sleep in two days.. cant figure out why ive felt exhausted but just lay in bed unable to sleep watching the clock tick by.

mm i'm tired, but i have to go to work in 10 minutes. it's my birthday though nothing exciting happened or anything. it took me until noon to fall asleep i woke up at 130 then felicity woke me again at two to come and say hi and such. then i fell asleep again after 4 and had to get up at 6 to go to my foster parents for dinner. i just napped for maybe an hr. so it should be an interesting night. i had an odd dream today. i had one similiar before. i think there was a ghost in my house. im still not sure if i was awake or asleep for the first part. i just remember feeling terrified ish all the sudden and like something was in the house, and i was getting these weird flows of chemicals thru my body that would start at my chest become overwelming then sort of die down and surge thru my body. i forced myself to sit up and sort of look around though i was scared to where it took a lot of effort to make myself move. then when it became for sure a dream i remember finding the milkman left me milk for my birthday lots of milk. was interesting. and i couldnt use the phone cuz somehow the ghost had made it not work or something. then rochelle was over but she had ppl with her. i was lying my head on her leg which was bare, and i was sort of kissing it and squeezing her leg, but i was refraining myself due to ppl being there but just wanted to let myself get lost in her. there were other sort of nightmares connected to the dream or there was one. it was weird., someone just randomly made me help carry a couch to there house and down a ton of stairs, i got the feeling they were going to try and trap me there or something. there were lots of kids with the same haircut as the person holding the other end of the couch. so then all the sudden i was trying to find my way thru the huge house to the door and spencer my foster brother was there, and he bolted to the bottom making me chase him when i was already afraid person in the house wanted to do something bad, though i didn't know what. *sigh* i'm so exhausted and dont want to go to work, but i guess i have to. at least i didn't cry too much today..

well the good news is i get to go see my foster sister and i didnt think we'd get to go see her. the bad news is i got about 2 `1/2 hours of sleep cuz ive been coughing all night and kept waking up and i had a really good dream of ravyn when i told myself i would stop thinking of her because it makes her sick to think of me. and i hate thinking of someone who despises me. i'm trying so hard to let it all go and move on. and the worse part is i wanted to let myself be captured by the dream and dwell on it, but i'm not going to let myself. i prefer my many nice thoughts before falling to sleep. i also kept having a ton of weird dreams of work and that i was trying to get a few days of for vacation but they were trying to tell me i had to fly out on vacation at 4 one day and be back by 4 the next, and i said no i'm not going out for one day i ussually go on vacation for 2 weeks so i need at least 3 days. in the dreams i kept trying to force work out of my mind and had the image of attempting to put it all in a cup or something and toss it out but it kept not working. i kept being unable to make it go away. in the dream with ravyn it was really weird. there was like a guy there watching like analyzing our actions, and somehow we knew it was our last chance to be inlove we would never get to try again if we didn't make it right finally. and we were getting closer to it being right again. i was kissing her and such and i remember telling her it could be like that forever or some such thing. i woke up and felt guilty for the dream, and bad for letting myself have it because i'm tired of all the lies, i'm tired of believing in things that aren't real yet it seems i can't make it go away. it feels like i'll never really be happy. that something in life doesn't want me to so it keeps filling me with lies to keep me from what i really need and want. it's quite frustrating and i hate it. i really wish she'd leave me alone. she won't even look at me, so why should i dream of her so often? why can't i be consumed and dream of someone who cares about me? but, i have to be up and out of here soon so i'm going to sleep. *sigh* all last night i couldnt sleep well honestly mostly because i was have a swirl of confusion and emotion involving rochelle and trying to let go of the past.. i was begging her inside of me to make it all go away and other such things that will most likely never happen. wishful thinking, but it's better then nothing at all i s'pose.

grrrrr, i really miss rochelle, and yet can't seem to be able to talk to her. she added me on myspace yet wasn't on here or aim and it just made me want to talk to her more. my phone doesn't have long distance, so i went to the gas station got minutes for my phone spent 20 dollars just to tell her i miss her, then find my phone won't work, so i have to reactivate it. ive tried sending her messeges like 3 or 4 times it takes a while to type out on a phone explaining to someone you miss them and you had to reactivate your phone to tell them n you wish you could hold them.. and now i notice well i have to wait a few hours before my phone is in the network and i just want to tell her now. why should it be so hard just to tell someone you miss them or be able to talk to your friend? it's not like i ask for a lot or anything. the one friend i really like talking to i never get to talk to, one of the only friends who even seems to want to talk to me, and stupid distance and life always gets in the way! grrness. and she had new pictures on myspace and they were really pretty, and i miss her more now :( *sigh* wish she was here. i know she has a bf, i'll never be with her and i'm probably just clinging out of loneliness blah blah blah but i don't care anymore, with her i never really did. i don't feel i can hurt her, it seems odd that she would care about me, she's someone i would have expected to think i'm a poser or laugh at me for being a stupid emo kid or something, probably cuz of my ex alexz being that way after we broke up or something, yet she isn't a bitch or mean in the slightest, she's sweet and and grr i want to be with her :/ i feel like a little kid right now, i feel over dramatic easy to believe and confused, sort of feel like i did with alexz, i feel i donno. i feel like not caring, like being overly passionate, like being really clingy and not worrying if it makes sense/ life doesn't make sense, it never really does and yet the only way for it to ever make some slight sense is to stop worrying throw ourselves into the unknown and live it, something i'm no good at doing. work stupid phone. damn you work. i have to be at work at 6 in the morning woohoo.. its 130 am. i slept most the day and ill maybe nap before work i slept until 5 was up until 8 ish then slept until 11. dont really care about being tired right now, don't even care about work, i just want to talk to rochelle and be close to her at the moment that's all that really matters. don't want to keep thinking and pondering and such. i want to just let life happen but it's too much in my nature to foresee things too much. so then i end up having those parts of me that keep saying i'm probably just clinging out of desperation, it could never work out, blah blah blah. *sigh* donno, i just want something to happen, to change, i'm tired of life, i want it to be worth living again, i want someone worth living for.. i don't want to be alone. i want to feel alive, i don't want to hurt people or destroy the world i really don't i just want a reason, to be happy for once. to go more then a day with out looking at my wrist and pondering if i could cut deep enough. to not feel dying is the only thing i can do. why is it my heart so easily with in 5 minutes decided that i could let myself care about rochelle? why did i feel with in half an hour i could tell her i loved her? or that i felt completely comftorable with her and like i could tell her anything? i don't know.. i've only liked 3 people on my own.. grrr, and then i worry if letting myself have feelings is just going to hurt her or fuck up our friendship or well i know it wouldn't i think.. but then what if i should be more cautious? with my luck she'd fall head over heals for me, and then be torn apart.. or i'd fall head over heals but she wouldn't.. which seems what always keeps me from letting myself truly fall for her. we were so close once, :/ maybe i just need something, someone other then ravyn to rant about i donno. i just feel like ranting i guess, seems i'm good at ranting but not making a change. i think i've exhausted my ranting ness for the most part, i've been obsessively thinking of just holding rochelle and cuddling in bed lately. it's odd how thinking of that is able to make my heart beat faster like it does with ravyn, instead of completely feeling just like a thought. maybe i ought to go back to not caring or wanting to be happy. to not trying to fulfill the need inside of me. perhaps it's hopeless to even think life would ever let me really be happy or have someone that i need. i don't know. i don't want to be miserable anymore, living paycheck to paycheck wondering why. i rather wake up and wonder why anyone would ever want to die. i've now exhausted myself ranting so i shall quit. perhaps i'll get a nap in before work.