i just wrote a blog on myspace yet still seems i need to write, yet i'm to confused to even really put things into words. i've been having lots of deja vu's involving movies i've watched the last two days, and suddenly i feel scared. i'm not sure of what exactly though suddenly i'm starting to wonder if i'm becoming skitzo like my brother. it's in my jeans, and i'm getting near the age where one is most likely to snap. right now i'm not even sure if i'm really alive, i'm starting to seriously question if i've even been born yet or what is going on.
i'd almost like to think that i haven't been born yet and this is just a glimpse of what's to happen so that i may avoid certain things.. and then ponder if i've lived this same life over and over. so often do things happen that i feel has already happened as if this entire world this life has been played over and over. i feel tired by it. i'm tired of knowing what happens in movies i've never seen, tired of knowing pain is inevitable. i'm tired of loving and knowing that person will in due time leave me.
knowing what will happen makes the process happen all too quickly. if i am to believe that i have gone through this life time and time again, then i must accept the inevitable truth that i will love ravyn until i die.. i thought writing a new blog would help me sort things out, yet i still don't know how to put words out. i feel guarded like i'm afraid to realize something so i write in a somewhat passive disconnected way. i feel like i'm closed to some hidden truth with in or something. blinded by my own soul. am i going insane? am i already insane? did i imagine ravyn in my head? live a secret non existant life like that one guy in that movie that.. i saw with ravyn.. or did i? i think i saw it with her.. i can't even really remember the movie that much, i can't even remember if i saw it or dreamt it.
i think i saw it at least.. and i think when i saw it i thought i'd seen it before.. have i lived out my entire life in my sleep? or at least most of it? what purpose does it serve to go through the same pains over and over again? i know i sound crazy, and right now i feel crazy. i feel emotionally broken and so lost, and i don't know why. i feel such desperation all of the sudden. i think this is how i felt before i met ravyn and perhaps right when i met her. like i'm not in the same world anymore. like.. there's.. something more? something more. that's it. like there's more i'm more something greater then life greater then all of this.. greater then reality. i donno. maybe im just out of it cuz i havent been able to really sleep in two days.. cant figure out why ive felt exhausted but just lay in bed unable to sleep watching the clock tick by.
