a girl in michigan who i rarely even talk to has been obsessed with me since she first talked to me and i dont know why. we never say much of anything yet she's infatuated with me and wants to have my babies. anyways, today her bf was over and earlier he had asked her if they could have sex tonight and she told him tonight when he came over that if he only wanted sex she didn't want to be with them, and so they broke up. first she was asking me if she should have sex with him or not, then i said she ought do what she wants but not something she'll regret. so she broke up with him. then not long after she sent me a messege on myspace asking if i'd be her online bf until she meets me in person.
ofcourse i said no as politely as possible and such. it's not the first time she has pretty much begged me to love her. one time she literally begged me to love her or to at least pretend that i did.. she seems to think that nothing could ever go wrong if i was with her and blah blah blah, but she isn't even my type or anything so i dont understand the infatuation.. i mean half the time i'm either annoyed with her or we don't talk.
the evil part of me gets tempted to use her to fill my own void, but i can't do that it's cruel. it's better to just keep pushing her away. i had work today after my 3 days off oh joy. it wasn't bad though went by faster then ussual. i worked with felicity for a while which was nice since i havent seen or heard much from her the last few months. my only buddy i have here and we already drifted apart just like i told her always happens though she as many before said it wouldn't happen.
i've been writing a weird book that i have set up in a way that it has no real plot but can jump from idea to idea with out having to continue the same thought and characters. i finally found a way so i can keep writing something but not have to continue the same thought and plot each day i go to write. each time i write it wanders off in it's own little directions though still connecting back to a few themes and such. it's kind of interesting i s'pose. it seems a good way to keep myself writing and i feel i need to complete something or i won't feel motivated and like i can accomplish anything, so for now i will write this loose ended ramble of thoughts until i have the motivation and passion to finish my more structured pieces.
in a few days i've already written 10 pages front and back which is quite a bit saying as lately its taken months just to write a couple paragraphs. i have been writing it on real paper it seems often to work better that way cuz on the computer i feel more conscious of what i write somehow as if writing it on the comp i'm already worried about others reading it or something. it's more personal to write it on paper, and its easier to write when i can curl in bad and be a bit more relaxed, or write pieces of it at work and other places.
i ought to do some of my other writing off of the computer as well, i just hate the tedious task of typing out what i write. typing page after page sucks.. i spent days and sleepless nights copying all of my poems onto the computer when i did my poetry book for my senior project. it's mostly annoying having to read a few words type pause read type. it would be easier if someone were reading the words or i could easily read them while typing them but i cant really do that. there's a program where you can speak and it will type what you speak, my dad has it, that'd be nifty i was gonna borrow it from him once and put it on the computer, i ought to look into one of those cuz then i could sometimes write stories by speaking them. it would perhaps make it sound more realistic or something. of course i'd always be able to edit and such, but would be much quicker. especially for simply copying what i wrote on paper onto the computer.
i work the midnight tomorrow so im staying up. tho im debating going to sleep soon. im really just sitting here now and there's nothing to really do. no one is on to talk to, and i've burnt myself out on music for the night i think. i watched all my movies that i borrowed from my foster mom and such over my three days off so i got nothing good to watch. i got to talk to my cousin soon and find out about casey moving in with her bf and two cats, but i don't want to. i dont really know how to bring it up grr i hate having to ask people if things are ok, i always feel afraid though i know the worse they can do is say no, but i feel like i donno. stupid insecurity that's held me back my whole life. i told casey id ask about the cats by money tho so i s'pose before i go to work monday i'll call dawn. i'll just make sure to get up at like 5 or something so she isnt already in bed. well i guess that's all i have to write. why is it no one that really wants to be with me is even someone i kinda want to be with? owell.
