well the good news is i get to go see my foster sister and i didnt think we'd get to go see her. the bad news is i got about 2 `1/2 hours of sleep cuz ive been coughing all night and kept waking up and i had a really good dream of ravyn when i told myself i would stop thinking of her because it makes her sick to think of me. and i hate thinking of someone who despises me. i'm trying so hard to let it all go and move on.
and the worse part is i wanted to let myself be captured by the dream and dwell on it, but i'm not going to let myself. i prefer my many nice thoughts before falling to sleep. i also kept having a ton of weird dreams of work and that i was trying to get a few days of for vacation but they were trying to tell me i had to fly out on vacation at 4 one day and be back by 4 the next, and i said no i'm not going out for one day i ussually go on vacation for 2 weeks so i need at least 3 days.
in the dreams i kept trying to force work out of my mind and had the image of attempting to put it all in a cup or something and toss it out but it kept not working. i kept being unable to make it go away. in the dream with ravyn it was really weird. there was like a guy there watching like analyzing our actions, and somehow we knew it was our last chance to be inlove we would never get to try again if we didn't make it right finally. and we were getting closer to it being right again. i was kissing her and such and i remember telling her it could be like that forever or some such thing. i woke up and felt guilty for the dream, and bad for letting myself have it because i'm tired of all the lies, i'm tired of believing in things that aren't real yet it seems i can't make it go away.
it feels like i'll never really be happy. that something in life doesn't want me to so it keeps filling me with lies to keep me from what i really need and want. it's quite frustrating and i hate it. i really wish she'd leave me alone. she won't even look at me, so why should i dream of her so often? why can't i be consumed and dream of someone who cares about me? but, i have to be up and out of here soon so i'm going to sleep. *sigh* all last night i couldnt sleep well honestly mostly because i was have a swirl of confusion and emotion involving rochelle and trying to let go of the past.. i was begging her inside of me to make it all go away and other such things that will most likely never happen. wishful thinking, but it's better then nothing at all i s'pose.
