i think something's wrong with me.. something not normally wrong with me.. i've been an insomniac my whole life so i'm used to not sleeping, and i've gotten used to sleeping extra when im up for 35 hours straight, but i hadnt been up that long and i slept from 2 am until 730 pm got up until 9 pm and then slept again until 3 am and its tempting to go lay down and sleep more.. i just slept more then an entire day.. i slept like 25 hours practically straight with maybe 5 minutes inbetween falling asleep and then being up for about an hour.. the disturbing part is i didnt force myself to sleep i fell asleep quickly which doesn't even happen if im tired. i went back to sleep at 9 cuz i had almost fallen asleep taking a bath.
i have to work the morning shift at 9:30. i hate sundays and morning shifts both are busy. i havent had to do a sunday other then the midnight in so long.. and i think ive only done one day shift on a sunday making me curse them forever. i tried to see if felicity would do it because i worked for her on saturday. well technically i worked for dustin and he took her shift (they both called me sick wanting me to work) bleh, yesturday was my only real day off this week and i literally slept it as well as half of today away. if i had two days off in a row i wouldn't mind. ive always wanted to just sleep life away.
im surprised with how much i slept i didn't have many dreams i could remember only one or two. i had a dream of ravyn and some weird dream i don't really want to explain. the dream with ravyn wasn't unlike my ussual dreams, i saw her at the school it was the elementary school this time and she was heading towards the track to walk around it. same pretty much as a previous one i had. i was starting to walk towards the school, then i decided not to and i caught up with her and told her i liked her hair (in my dream she had dyed it) we sort of started having a normal conversation for a little bit, then she started trying to pull away and such. it led to me asking how she could still treat me like this when it's already been over a year and i've left her alone and how even after this long i still love her. once we were holding eachother i woke up as always seems to happen.
meh now i want to just get in my car and drive out there and walk up to her. i want to do something drastic, i want to make things better i don't want to keep sitting around as everything fades away. but, i don't even know what i would say. nothing seems right. there aren't words. she's worth more then words and probably more then i deserve. somehow i feel like something is going go happen or is happening something seems i dont know but with my sleeping so much with no reason it seems like it means something. maybe somehow sleeping kept me from soemthing or will save up energy for something to come? i don't know. i can't say i don't care because the truth is i do. i don't have the sight to see what's ahead or at least to decipher my own wants and thoughts from what's vision..
i started wondering if perhaps the reason in all my dreams i'm the one grabbing her by the arm pulling her aside and talking to her is because i should be. maybe i shouldn't be remaining quiet and letting it go like this. it just doesn't seem like any effort has worked, and honestly i don't know if i'm strong enough to confront her in person. maybe i should have. maybe i should have put my jacket around her when we had the fire drill and i saw her in a t-shirt shivering. maybe i should have walked up to her and asked to talk to her. i did try but maybe no enough. but its been a constant battle of trying to figure out what im supposed to do. what's best for her, what makes her the happiest. if she only realized how much i love her even when i don't try to, even if i try not to. i don't know if anyone can change it or replace her. i was surprised someone could replace alexz, but this time i can't find the flaws like i did with alexz.
the only flaws or me and circumstance.. if we had only made it a little longer things would have gotten better. we would have had a whole week to ourselves with my parents on vacation, and then if we made it thru this year she'll be 18 and we could have lived together forever and always had eachother's comfort. we could have done anything we wanted. *sigh* i won't even get to go to her graduation. i s'pose i could fly out for it and still go maybe go with a friend or something. i'm just so lost, it's been this way for over a year now. completely lost. i haven't truly felt alive with out her. the closest i get is those few nights for a minute i lie and let myself pretend she's next to me, when i find myself cuddling my pillow and whispering i love her. it's pathetic really. all the childish things we used to do, the way we used to cling and be overly cute. she made me get to be the kid i was never able to be.
most of what holds me back is guilt, and not wanting to leave a bunch of trouble for other people. i don't want to leave my cousin with out a renter and leave all my crap for someone else to move, i don't want to leave my work with out an employee and one of the only ones who does anything. i don't want to make derek and doreen worry. if i knew it was the only way then i'd no longer care, but with out any certainty or light of any kind i'm stuck in a never ending routine of worrying about bills, being broke and having no life and little will power to change any of it. i can't remember if i've ever been stuck in a pit this long before. itll be ok one day. if all else fails i have to die eventually. sleeping so much gave me an odd thought to check my neck for bite marks lol. that proved wishful thinking as i expected, but hey you never know.. something amazing and great could happen to me out of the blue.. it's happened before.. she just won't speak to me now..
