well its now letting me on cherry which is nifty. i worked the midnight last night. was a somewhat frustrating night, but i survived and i've had a lot worse. i hung out with felicity a girl i work with before work. we went and got food and then got in a snow fight and sat around the house chatting and such for a while. i think i may get involved in some drama now due to her bf and such, but i s'pose that's ok. might make things more interesting. she's been having issues with her bf, in other words he is a heartless bastard (ignores her often at school, doesn't try to hang out with her ever, ect.)
she said he was somewhat jealous she's been hanging out with other guys, but it's like he ignores her text messeges doesn't call her back and such, and he makes plans with people other then her all the time. seems retarded to me. im supposed to go to his house on tuesday for some meeting type thingy to learn about something to make money. i dont want to go now that he's probably jealous due to me, but felicity really wants me to go so i said i would. i don't understand why she wants me to go so bad, but i told her if she wants me to i will.
i'm sure i act a bit foolishly because i've been alone so long. she's the only person my age ish i've hung out with in 6 months, and i've been alone for over a year. so i'm sure she's going to think i like her, and i'm sure i'm going to almost think i do for a while. though, i'm sure it won't last long with ravyn haunting my dreams at night to make sure my heart doesn't wander too far. as she already haunted me yesturday wilst i slept to remind me. anytime i start to like someone or something she makes sure to keep me from ever being able to let myself be with them.
granted i haven't started to like a whole lot of people since breaking up with ravyn. ( only two being rochelle and danielle) but, none the less. ravyn is generally there but she seems to appear in my dreams most vividly if im starting to live life a little with out her. in a way it makes me upset because im sure that she never has that issue, but then it makes me glad if i think that her memory is making sure i don't do something stupid. but at times i just don't want to care. i just want to hold someone and let myself think i love them enough to make myself strong again and more alive then ive been for so long. it brings a bit of frustration to think that she's moved on with in a month of leaving me and i'm stuck in love and knowing i'm in love with her. that she has held other guys and probably had sex with them whilst ive not so much as kissed anyone else. *sigh* i don't know what to do anymore. if i try to make things better it does nothing, and if i remain silent and wait for it to fade it doesn't. it's always the same as life seems to be.
i often wish something dramatic and horrible would happen that would force me to forget all worry and do whatever is set the deepest in my heart. to throw caution to the wind and do what it most desires. to do what we would if we knew the world was going to end in a day. i want to lose control to the point of being forced to be myself and to truly know what that is, yet guard myself and keep a sense of control because my life won't allow for lack of control. i have to get to work every day on time, i have to have my mind set so i can get things done and deal with people. i can't go to work with my true emotions in my heart i wouldn't be able to function. i would probably have died a long time ago if i let the full strength of how much ive lost hit me. i donno if it's weakness not being entirely myself or an adaption and strength knowing it's the only way to survive for now until i have something that will take who i am and turn it into a strength again instead of a weakness. but, i guess i ought to sleep. just thought id write a blog since i havent in so long.,
