not much is new, i have sort of had a boring day mostly sitting around on the computer and such, though i started watching blue collar comedy which was making me laugh my ass off, and talking to my friend ember which is niftyful. she downloaded aim just to talk to me on it so i feels specialness. i think i've been corrupted lol, tho i don't think i ever truly had morales i just pretended i did and didn't let it effect others but i don't really care anymore.
i'm to young to spend my life constantly worrying and sitting around doing nothing. i need to experience things and life, i always come to this conclusion yet never really do it because social situations and always just getting to feeling i ought not cuz its not right or something. i sold my soul the day i fell in love with alexz, and can't expect to ever have it back again. probably sold it long before that.
i started two new short stories today which is always niftyful. inspiration can come from anywhere hehe i must thank ember and rochelle for the inspiration to write. ill have to finish those later tonight or tomorrow or something, i bet with rochelle id have lots of inspiration, tho i still don't know if it's love or what. i know she's supposed to be in my life right now though because this is all something that i saw before in a dream or something.
if my mind is going to be corrupt and i'm going to spend my life falling then i should make something creative out of it and write about it. im no longer keeping certain sides of me out of my writing. no matter what happens to me i hope that i can touch people's lives in a positve way, and i need to not be afraid of meaning something to others. i should let myself make people happy more often and not worry ill hurt them i guess. no matter how many times i say things like that i know it doesn't really change how i react in situations. tho i really just dont have the strength to really care anymore. i take that back i care but i don't worry about it so much. in the words of trent reznor "my moral standing is lying down"
i talked to rochelle till late last night and near the end before she had to go i think i could hear a longing in her voice. she started to sound like she really does care about me and want to be with me. i think that we are gradually feeling it more, i mean it was overwelming at first and we didn't know what to think of it. but i think gradually it may be becoming real. i don't know i hope so. i want her to consume me. i won't say i love her when we talk because i don't know i do, but i'm letting her in and giving myself the oppertunity to love her, and maybe i will.
out of boredom and such i did some recordings today and last night which ive posted online at chance.dmusic.com i like a few of them quite a bit. some were written by friends n others i just sort of sang whatever came to mind. i love bleed for you and call. they both kinda go into how ive been feeling about things lately. same with dream tho that one didnt work as well. i recorded call when last night when i was waiting to see if rochelle would call me. i almost cried when singing it for some reason and then i lay down believing she wouldnt call and ended up almost falling asleep when the phone finally rang. it was nice to hear her voice again. i always feel somewhat like im there with her when we talk.
i want to be something one day. maybe when i get my books done i will be a somewhat known author. that would be cool. i mean i dont want to be real famous with people bothering me all the time, but i want to be known, i want to connect to people and make them feel something. i want to be important to others i want people to care yet i dont want people to care its confusing. i mean i want them to so i can make them happy but then i dont want ppl hurt by me. for being straight i sure have a lot of bisexual tendencies especially when i let my mind go in my writing lol. it's funny.
