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What are you waiting for?
Its so hard to believe in myself at the moment. I know I have a lot of change going on and it is literally scaring the hell out of me.
I have been holding on to a relationship for almost 3 years. This relationship has been extreme long distance, he is in Germany, and I am in the states. I spent 6 months with him in 2007. I haven't physically seen or touched him since the end of November 2007. I kept hanging on, hoping he would decide what he wants. I think I am finally coming to the conclusion that it is not what I want out of this. This relationship was a fairytale relationship, I had the man of my dreams, the one I really felt was my soulmate. Since I have been back in the states, I have hit major depression, not caring about much or anything. I have isolated myself, when I used to be a social butterfly. I look so negatively on myself and things happening that I am sure it scares a lot of people off.
I wish I knew how to do self affirmations and really intruly believe in them. I tell myself that things will get better, that this shit will all pass. I tell myself that I deserve so much more out of life then feeling so miserable all the time. I can't help how I feel, its just there. I am far from dumb, I have made stupid choices in the past which have screwed me up and scarred me. YET, at the same time, its those stupid ass choices that have made me who I am today. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would give the world to someone if they needed it. All I want is to be loved the way I can love, and not neccesarily a relationship, I am also meaning this is my friendships and all aspects of life.
The next few days are gonna suck ass, gotta pack my room up that I have lieved in for a year and a half and decide what I am taking to the transitional place, cuz the room is so small there. I basically can only bring clothes and neccesities. Whenever I think about this new place, I get a little shakey, but I am sure that its just anxiety. What if these other women dont like me? What if I cant even make it there? A lot of what ifs going through my mind.
Enough rambling.
