Boy do I have a story to tell. For those of you who do not have EXTREMELY open minds, including my mother LMAO, this is probably not a blog entry that you want to read. Because I know you will read it anyways, just know that nothing you could say or do will change who I am. I state this because a friend recently informed me that I am advertising myself sexually on my myspace and Yahoo 360 pages. A lot of my blogs, including this one, have to do with relationships. A few of them, including this one, deal with my sensuality/sexuality. Unfortunate only to those who will not be able to handle this, it is not something that has just begun or will ever change. It is who I always have been and always will be. Please accept this!
It started a couple years ago in a relationship that was very adventurous. Every week, every day, was spent trying to find a new way to make our sex life adventuresome. We investigated everything! It was an open relationship where we were free to accept or reject anything that came along. We were free to explore new ideas on our own when the other didn’t want to explore. It was quite liberating. In this process I began to learn more about the world of BDSM. This 4 letter ‘word’ has layers of meaning to it BD for bondage/discipline DS for dominant/submissive SM for sadism/masochism or slave/Master. Being a dominatrix is easy as play time but it did not excite me. The more I investigated my sensual side, the more I realized this key fact. The main thing that turns me on is knowing that I turn someone else on and that they care for me completely. This ideology led me down many roads but I never found the one for me to travel. No matter where I went or what I tried, this sole notion remained true but it didn’t make me fit. I couldn’t see where it was that I belonged.
Until I found my sexual calling. As much as I had toyed with this fetish world I never took it as anything more than role-playing and toys. I was travelling along my narrow path in cyberspace one day when I came across exactly what I was looking for. It is called the Master’s Creed. I strongly suggest that you read this before you judge that M word. That is the one word that makes me swoon. It is exactly what I’d been wanting all along.
Someone who could give me exactly the task to make him happy. Yet, someone that would cherish me and love me for all that I am and all that I do. That is the basic relationship that we all strive for anyways, isn’t it?
So here I sit, nervous as anything. It’s so exhilarating and the excitement burns through my veins. To know that this average pretty girl can make one man SOOOOOO happy. That is my purpose. To know that he cares enough to consider my own happiness above his own. That is my treasure. If this still makes no sense, let me give you a little history on where I come from.
All my relationships have been on one basis. A guy likes me (there was one girl, we’ll save that for another time). I bend over backward to make him happy. He takes advantage of this, uses me, then abuses me, then it’s over. No matter what the relationship, this is the pattern, even with the female who scorned me against all other women. It’s never been a physical thing – I’ve stopped the relationships before it was. No hitting or beatings. One or two has raised a hand to me but they’ve never successfully hit me. Mostly mental/emotional/verbal abuse that I felt like I deserved because I had not done what was asked exactly as it should have been.
At first I thought this was a design flaw. I was raised without a father. My mother had a lot of different boyfriends as is natural for 13 years of growing up. I tried so hard to get each of them to stay but it never worked. This had to be the reason for my desire to please. Psychologically it makes sense. Mother, if you start beating yourself up over this we are going to have to sit down and get a good conversation going because this is NOT YOUR FAULT – it’s NO ONE’s fault, there is no blame due in this situation.
After much investigation, I have discovered that the reason for this feeling of submission is just being the way I am. It’s a good thing! It’s just a way to enjoy myself. Some people like the color blue, other’s the color black. Some have a reason, some don’t. This is my favorite color of love and I have no reason besides that I want it.
It’s a good thing! I cannot stress that enough. This is something to rejoice over. Please do not be sad for me or worry for me. This is the balance that I have needed all my life. This is the purpose and direction that my relationships have searched for. This is a better side of all that I have experienced. I now have the ok to be exactly as I have always been. I am not evil or wicked or sinful. I am good and honest and caring. Now my relationships have meaning beyond sex. Now I have guidelines to use in choosing that Master. I can feel more comfortable leaving the relationship because I know that I will still be pleasing him by giving him the freedom to find someone else.
No, it’s not mind control. I’m not being beaten into submission. My Master is over a thousand miles away. If I didn’t want to do as he requests, I could physically say no. It would not be easy to do though. Every fiber of my being wants to please him and do whatever he requires of me. I know from experience that he only wants the best of me. For harm to come to me at his hands would be a disgrace. Quit crying, mother!
Everything that anyone has always wanted for me has now become attainable. Someone who can complete me and help me to be my best. Someone who will take care of me and provide for me. Someone who will accept me and love me not just for who I am but for who I can become. I don’t know yet that I have already found the Master I want to own me. Only time will tell that. But I know I want to be owned.
So, leave your comments, your questions. I will gladly answer them the best I can. Maybe your question is one that I haven’t asked yet myself. Feel free to check out all aspects of this. I have included a link that describes exactly what I have wanted – the Master’s Creed. For more information, just click the Info Page link at the bottom of the Master’s Creed and you will find a lot of answers to your questions.
Be happy for me!
