I can't shake this... I feel so fookin blah! I know I am isolating myself to a great degree and I don't even know what I am isolating over.
I have stopped calling my friends I talk to daily, haven't been hanging out a lot on the fu. I sit here and just ponder, ponder over nothing at all.
I feel so damn down. One thing that got me is I always get my cell paid early, I didn't even care about it, yesterday got a text message saying it had to be paid by today. It got done, but don't really care.
My heart is in Germany, I feel so lost and empty without Rudi by my side. We had a talk Sunday, but still doesn't place a plan into action. I am a puppet on a string, a sad lonely puppet. So many times I have had people ask me, why am I allowing this to be done to myself, my only answer is, when we are together, words can not even begin to describe it. All I know is my face glows, my heart pounds and my hands shake. (hmmm could it be love?)
I just wish it didn't have to feel this way! I swear, I know in my heart I have found my soul-mate, my twin flame, but why does it fucking have to hurt so bad??
I have never fought so hard to keep a relationship alive, before I would simply give up. Sunday I asked him, why when he fought so hard to get me he would let me slip away. His response to me was I don't want you to slip away.
This relationship will be 2 years along in October. Isn't it time for the next step, something that will make the pain end and me be complete?
I have told him time and time again if he doesn't want to be with me, to tell me, that pain would be more bearable then the pain I struggle with daily.
Enough babbling, going back to hide myself some more.
