I could be out point whoring, or harassing mummers right now. But I am in way too good of a mood for these endeavors. "Good"? I honestly don't know if good is the right word, or if it is even applicable. However, whatever this feeling is, it is infinitely more palatable than the mood I have been in for the last five months.
Damn, how I wish there were a way to simply paint a picture of the last few years of my life, into this blog, so that much of what I am going to say would have a better context. But I can't paint, and it would fill volumes to explain it all with words...
I found out, exactly two days ago, that my ex is 10 weeks pregnant. I had already found out she's married. This isn't odd, other than the fact that she and I only broke up on August 4th of 2007. And, up until that very afternoon, she swore that she loved me and wanted to be with me forever. The words literally dripped from her lips as she was packing my things, saying that she was tidying up.
It would be easier, for me, to comprehend it all if I were a junkie, or alcoholic, or if I were abusive... Anything that might make the betrayal make more sense than it does.
But the truth is that, at 41, which is my age, we'd tried to have children twice, and she'd miscarried twice. She blamed it up on my age, and not upon the fact that she'd had an STD, as a teenager, and developed something called PID. Which is what the doctors said caused the losses.
I sincerely wish, for her, that this time, things work out. She dumped me for a guy half my age just for this purpose. I hope her decision proves to have been a just one.
Anyway, since August the 4th, of 2007, I have been less than alive. A dear friend, in fact, yesterday, told me that two months ago she feared I would simply die... That I looked dead already. I'd lost weight. My skin had become sallow. Depression had kicked my ass and I was fading. I can't say how close I came to simply ceasing to exist from what the medical journals call "broken heart syndrome" which is a REAL medical condition. But I imagine I came about as close as one can without actually expiring from it.
Months have passed since then and things have gotten better. I still have bad days. But I look like a human being again. I have GOOD days, lately, which is a wonderful thing. There was a time when I truly believed that all of my good days were behind me.
I am happy to say that I was wrong about that.
During this period, since August, I have lived my life as something of a leper. ONE good friend stood by my side, and took care of me. Her name is Kathleen and I love her madly and dearly. She is the best friend I have ever had. But everyone else, to one degree, or another, simply disappeared during my depression.
I can't blame them, really. Dealing with a half dead person can't be easy.
Tonight I logged onto MySpace. I know, I know, dirty words in FuLand. But I have my REAL life friends on MySpace. Fubar is my anonymity fix. I have invited a few friends to join, and they probably will. But I did not do so until the last couple of days. I enjoyed coming to a place where NOBODY knew me. I could act more like my "old" self here, being a stranger, than I could anywhere else.
In a huge way, I think that Fubar helped me heal. It allowed me to be social. It allowed my battered self esteem to be stroked a bit, whenever a woman would shoutbox me, or comment, saying I was cute. It provided me with friends who weren't aware of my baggage.
It allowed me to open up again.
Well, tonight, when I opened Myspace, there was not one message from an old potential flame, nor were there two. There were three different messages, from three different woman, from my real life... All attractive. All very close friends. All former lovers. And all expressing interest in being around me, to one degree or another, once again. One of these women is married, but in an open sort of situation, and we have a sexual history together due to that. Another is an ex of mine from a long time ago... Who I've missed on a fairly regular basis, over the years.
But the third was from that one person... You know, the one person who you always wonder if you should have been with??? That one person who you had chemistry with, but the timing was never quite right? That third person and I have this kind of thing. And I get the impression, from what she said, that the timing might just be right, for a change.
I'm not sure if I am ready to jump head first into anything romantic at all. But damn is it nice to feel like it is possible.
The woman who is my ex wrote me one of the most beautiful and touching letters I have ever received. My real name is John, and there is a Sinead O'Conner song called "John I Love You". She quoted parts of that song, and said things that made me feel worthwhile, about myself, for the first time in a very long time.
I've posted pics of these women, in my profile here, though I won't identify which is which, just in case any would be offended that I spoke, so openly, about them. There is still a veil of anonymity to it if I don't point them out.
I've lived in a cold, dark winter for what feels like an eternity. Today I felt the sun shine again. Incredible...
