Writing in this format... The blog... For me, is as natural a process as anything could be. It is total stream of consciousness, pouring out, through my fingers, and onto these blank entry fields. In fact if I were one to keep a journal, I doubt that it would be as stark and honest as my blogs tend to get.
And this fact, in and of itself, is both a blessing and a curse.
My downfall, you see, is decorum... A sense of propriety that others seem to have and which I seem be totally vacant of. "We", I have been told, over and over again, by more people than I can count, "Do NOT share our intimates with the world at large". And, apparently, "intimates" means just about every single bit of personal detail that would ever matter.
This is the Internet, for Gods' sake! LIE LIE LIE is the battle cry. Anonymity is armor here. One should never be real in an artificial place. It's just common sense. We don't want strangers knowing our affairs.
Or worse... Our real life contemporaries stumbling upon these Interweb faux pauxs, and becoming empowered by having found these secrets out.
The looks I get when I respond with a simple "bullshit" would astound you. My friends try so hard to make me understand that I should not be exposing my soft, underbelly, to the world. They just don't get it.
I imagine most people wouldn't. We do live in a very predatory world. Underneath the smiles and the soft tissue, lurk sharks in bipedal form. To let your guard down, in this world, is to set yourself up for failure. Trust will be violated, eventually, no matter how Holy a union had forged it.
These are lessons that I have learned the hard way. I have stood and watched as other people shred me for their own motives and aspirations. I have given my love to lovelessness.
But to let it change me?
In one of my many contradictions, as personality goes, I am both innocent and jaded, all at once. I have seen, experienced, and lived through things that will never see these blog entries, in mention, or otherwise. I've no need to type on about demons I've already conquered. But, through it all, I always managed to hang onto just enough of my innocence to allow me to still FEEL human. Even if my past might suggest something more of a bestial and violent nature.
It is that hard won innocence that makes me write these blogs. This is my confessional. This is my sanctum seclorum. In exposing my jugular vein, to the whole world, I somehow, in return, find the strength to live with the things that I have to.
Caution is not just thrown to the wind, here. It is ignored utterly. I will find no peace in half measures and empty gestures. For me, here, in these seldom read, barely noticed petitions... I bare my entire soul. I keep covenant with my darkest and most bitter secrets. I hold council with my own strengths and weaknesses, treating them as equal.
Wow... A lot to have said, to have really said nothing. Well, nothing in some eyes... To others maybe it speaks more.
I have much to be penitent about. Too much. Even those who know me, intimately, have a hard time believing some of the things I have done, in my years. Others, know because they were witnesses to moments of vulcanizing choices. Enough needs to escape the maelstrom of my interior that I could spend weeks... Maybe even months voicing it all.
In my arrogance I have caused harm to so many. In my conceit and vanity, I have broken hearts, and heads... All in the name of my own Gods.
I've abused myself, above all others, through this process. I have put myself in peril and pain more than anyone else I know of. Somehow, when I was younger, it seemed to help me justify my selfish nature... If I suffered more than I caused others to suffer, then the scale was balanced.
Oh to have the ability to be that blind still...
