Angel In Chains's blog: "My Dad"

I'm taking the time while waiting for my dad's wife to get here to let anyone who may wonder what is happening.

My dad's doctor called this morning. It has come to the point that it is just a matter of time. My dad has lung cancer and COPD as well as pneumonia that just won't go away. He did two rounds of chemo and radiation and in essence took his chances that he might beat the cancer. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be.

The radiation was the cause of radiation pnuemonia. At this time he only has one lung left that is actually working. The other one is gone.

He has refused to have anymore needles in any form. He is dangerously anemic and getting more so as the pneumonia gets worse. A blood transfusion might help but since he has refused the needles that is out of the question.

Because of the anemia, his body is not getting the oxygen it needs and his body is starting to shut down. He was able to let the doctor know Monday in one of his clearer moments, that he is in severe pain. So they have upped his Oxicodin, which is one of the causes of the delerium and dementia that has now set in.

My only regret is that we didn't know this was coming this fast. I doubt that he realized himself that the time would come so quickly that he would not know where he is or why he is there.

All he is asking for is to go home. And he can't. That is the pain that hurts me the most right now. No one should have to be alone with strangers at a time like this. Unfortunately, being self-employed means that I have no recourse in times such as this. I can't take time off without having someone to do my job. And even if I could, I couldn't pay them and my bills, too.

So, I have to sit here every day when I'm not up at the hospital with my dad, praying that he holds on until I can get there.

And the people in his life, who seem to think this is the time to start dividing up what little he has. The questions from friends, not even relatives, wanting to know "Who gets his car?" or "Did he make a will?" or the one yesterday, demanding to be driven up to see him when we go.

Perhaps I'm selfish, but I feel that it is none of anyone's business except immediate family right now. My dad had no desire for anyone to see him this way. He has requested no funeral, no memorial, to be cremated and have his ashes spread over the land where he grew up. To quote him word for word, "I don't want people who didn't give a damn about me when I was alive, coming to stare at me and cry when I'm dead." And as his oldest daughter, I feel that it is up to me to see those wishes are honored.

That means once again, I will have to play "Queen Bitch", as I call it. I am the one who will have to be strong and stand up to these people and truthfully, I don't know if I have it in me anymore. I've had to do it so many times before.

I'm sending Love, Hugs, and wishes for Peace to all my friends. I am beginning to realize that it is so important to take the time to tell the people you care for as often as you can how much they mean to you.

Because you just never know or expect there to come a day when they won't be there to tell anymore.