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Top Ten Reasons You Know You Can't Live Without Him

10. Because the day he finally told you he loved you and wanted to marry you...You had already given up and found someone else...And it left you so broken you cried for two days after...and he didn't say I told you so when that someone else turned out to be the biggest player you've ever met...
9. Because you've tried to find someone else...when you know you've lost him...and no one can compare with him...or erase his memory from your mind...
8. Because you don't answer when he calls on purpose just so he has to leave a voice mail...and you listen to those six words "Its Me. Call me back. Bye" over and over whenever you need to hear his voice...
7. Because you login to your online accts over and over just to see if you have any new notifications...and when you do your heart jumps cuz they might be from him...
6. Because your heart beats even faster when those notifications are from him or you see his sweet face in your inbox...
5. Because your heart jumps everytime he logs in to Yahoo...and falls when he logs out...and you smile like an idiot when an IM is from him...even if when it's a mass msg and you smile even more when he actually says hi...and you archive every message just so you can read back thru them...and torture yourself with the love you walked away from cuz you were scared of being hurt again...
4. Because you spend hours on youtube hunting up videos that say everything to him you can't...
3. Because your heart breaks every time you see his status or mood and it says something totally dumb, random or actually meaningful...and you know it's not meant for you but your traitor heart wants it to be...
2. Because you decided to blog this dumb list you made two years ago for the one who destroyed your heart...the one that disappeared after you returned to Fubar the second time...and in the end you found that someone that makes your heart beat fast, makes you smile like no other ever has...
And the Number One reason you know you never want to lose him...That you love him forever even if he doesn't want you...
Because you're ready to throw away every scrap of pride, dignity, and self-respect you have...ready to get down on your knees and crawl to him...ready to beg for him to forgive you and give you one more chance....



Heart Ache Fact 1

Heart Ache Fact 2

Heart Ache Fact 3

Heart Ache Fact 4

Heart Ache Fact 5

After All........................

P: Well here we are again
I guess it must be fate
We've tried it on our own
But deep inside we've known
We'd be back to set things straight

C: I still remember when
Your kiss was so brand new
Every memory repeats
Every step I take retreats
P+C:Every journey always brings me back to you

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
C:It all comes down to me and you
P+C:I guess it's meant to be
P:Forever you and me after all

C:When love is truly right(this time it's truly right)
It lives from year to year
P+C:It changes as it goes
C:And on the way it grows
P+C:But it never disappears

After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
C:It all comes down to me and you
P+C:I guess it's meant to be
P:Forever you and me
P+C:After all

P:Alway just beyong my touch
You know I needed you so much
C:After all, what else is living for?

P+C:Oh, after all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
C:It all comes down to me and you
P+C:I guess it's meant to be
P:Forever you and me

P+C:After all the stops and starts
We keep coming back to these two hearts
Two angels who've been rescued from the fall
After all that we've been through
C:It all comes down to me and you
P+C:I guess it's meant to be
Forever you and me
After All

it's been too long...i haven't wrote in my blog for a long time...and maybe that's why this shit is eating at my mind, my heart, my soul.......

shadows from the past keep overshadowing my days...when i least expect it another one darkens my day...the known...the unknown...all flow together anymore to tear me apart...bring the past to the present...and the ones who are closest don't understand why i keep avoiding the truth...avoiding all the ways to rid myself of those shadows for ever...

friends try to ease the pain...but to let them in means opening the filth to the light...allowing it to become who i am...and that person does not exist anymore...but the ones who appear in the light of day...the ones who shared that darkness keep it fresh in my mind when all i want to do is forget...

the human mind is a traitor...you forget those memories you wish to hold close...and the ones that torture you remain fresh...there every day to haunt the happiness you might feel...and lately it seems that happiness is nothing more than a word in the dictionary...an emotion that only exists in theory...

for every one person i meet who is happy...i meet five more who are living in a sea of pain the same as i...and i wonder some days how people continue to try when waiting around the corner is more of the same hurt they have experienced before....

i want so much to be able to open up and let all of it loose...to tell those who need to know, the truth...but the opposite of that coin is losing friends closest to me...no matter how many times someone says to me that they don't judge a person by what they've done i have yet to  meet one who hasn't in the end...it destroys the image people have built in their mind...and image that is based on the bent view of a person you meet in this fake ass cyber world...a world that exists in a dimension that resembles hell most of the time....

a place where people can create the person they want to be...the person they can't be...the fantasy they want to live...or  the reality they simply want to escape of a life not worth living by creating a perfect one...

and at the end of the day when the turn off their computer...go back to the real world...it is only a matter of time until they are drawn back to the satisfaction of becoming that other being...that person who may be here to hurt who they can...to use whoever allows it...to crush the life out of people who are only there to be a friend....

in the end we all make the choice of who we will be when we enter this unreal world...i made a choice a long time ago to be myself...and in the end the cyber world claimed me as its own...made me into something i would never have believed i could become...a stranger to myself...and when i tried to reclaim that person i used to be...that's when the shadows appeared...like demons waiting to pounce...and the angel of death was around the corner yesterday...bringing the fear of retribution for what i've done...not knowing if it was one that shared that darkness i have come to know...

and i sit here now knowing that it's time to let it out...to forget protecting the fragile person i used to be...and the shell i am now...and still not having the courage to do what i should...

to get a philosphical outllook on life...As If!

I'm a donkeybutt and I have no real friends.. I get on here because my self esteem is so low that I have to think if I have internet friends they'll never really leave me.. Because if they do they were actually never here in the first place to start with so my heart really wouldn't be broken again.. But I was WRONG..

So says Christa...and yeah the dufus has a fubar...lol

http://fubar.com/cbelleswaney

Silence Is Golden

Never tell him you luv him. Bury the secret deep in your heart. Once the words are spoken reality is given the opportunity to enter your dreams so the color fades like a dying rose.

Just a thought to add...Seeing him everyday...Whether in reality or just in the cyber world...Makes it hard to keep the silence...But the fear of losing a friend locks the lips quite well

Adding another thought to this...Letting someone else in on the secrets of your heart...Confiding in them can backfire even worse...Esp when they ridicule you for how you feel...No matter how many people have went thru similar situations as you have...It is a totally different experience for each and every person...Some survive and go on...And others are scarred for life

Additional thought: When that person comes back to apologize after ripping your soul to shreds it really means nothing...It is just a reminder of the pain they inflicted when they swore they were a friend and would never hurt you...Apparently my definition of friend is a lot different than a lot of people.

why bother?

*slinks quietly back into the shadows of a tortured soul and broken heart to beg forgiveness of the dark god that lives there for ever trying to live in the world of light*

Sunday equals loneliness

minutes fade into hours...words are coming to mind faster than you can type...and then it stops...and when it begins again...it's as if you are talking to someone you haven't heard from in ages

the same questions...the small talk...like nothing was shared before that moment...leaving you wondering who you were talking to just a few minutes or hours before

you've laughed...cried...shared secrets...bared your soul...and you wonder how many people were also having that same conversation...wonder if what you said was just part of some automatic rambling and if the other person was even reading what you wrote

wondering if you have once again made a mistake and trusted someone who has no true feelings of honor...respect...or if it's just another game...and you are the pawn...a willing one no doubt...but still just a gamepiece that will be sacrificed in the end to get to the more important player in the game called internet friendship

For a friend...

17 huh? the death of youth...the condemnation of adults around wanting you to be an adult...the battle with friends over moving on to new things...god i remember 17...a time of pain...lonliness...isolation...being adopted by grandparents and dealing with a generation who had watched people my parents age go thru the world of rebellion, freedom, peace, love, drugs...the age of aquarius and woodstock...manson and the family...viet nam...oh my god...when i think of how i would have thrived in that world...that age...i would have been long gone from the world i lived in...off to hitchhike across america and just being who i am...someone who has no clue about why the hell their conception was allowed...an accident that was brought into this world in the name of a catholic god...abortion was not an option...and when i think that ten years later i may not have existed...it boggles the mind...i read this poem...and think of the wars we all go thru in our minds...good against evil...the id wanting the evil...the superego saying go for the good...and the ego shriveling away and dying in the face of two stronger antagonists that battle on a daily basis...how can one's own personality survive? is anyone truly the person they were meant to be in this life? my god when i'm tired my mind goes a million miles a minute and i can't grasp the thoughts quickly enuf to write them down...and i know that this one is going in my blogs...becuz tomorrow this train of thought will be gone...lost...it was brought on by the pain that gets deeper everyday...i need to leave this site i really do...i don't think straight when i'm here...i have no idea what you were looking for when you asked me to read this...all i know was it brought out something i've buried recently and that is the question of why the hell am i on this miserable excuse for a planet? watching the pain of the people around me...wondering if there is true happiness to be found...trying to keep from crying for the lack of any true emotions anymore...bottled up inside not allowed out becuz if i start crying i may never stop...time to ask the question too...how do i make this damn pain stop?

sitting here contemplating the way friendships can just dissolve from lack of caring on one persons side...i have sat here wondering about all the names and numbers and friends i have on this and that site...trying to figure out while the hell i keep them there...why i don't just delete them and say the hell with you...after all...that's what has been done to me...i never lied to anyone...never pretended to be any more than what i am...human the same as them...but it never ceases to amaze me that people can adopt a "holier than thou" attitude when you slap them in the face with the truth...and that is what has happened to several of my so-called "friends" these days...they seem unable to remain friends with a woman when they all of a sudden find the love of their life...pathetic really...just goes to show that it does no good for anyone to be a friend to someone when they are in need...cuz when that need disappears with the appearance of a new love...the need for the friend disappears with it...

On June 18, I mark the occasion of two of the worst moments in my life...The day I said I was done with 16 yrs of pain...And the day my brother in law was taken in a tragic accident...

And now...almost a year later...I'm still asking myself why God chose to destroy my life twice in one day?

Many people say there can't be a God for if there were...He wouldn't allow such human suffering...And being a Christian doesn't stop me from asking the same question...It just makes life that much harder to bear at times...Because you know that even after the pain of one tragedy finally eases...There will be more to come to tear it open and let it hurt all over again...

Reflecting on the past year, I find that I haven't really moved a single step forward...If I'm honest, I would admit that I have fallen back several steps...And I don't know if I will ever start walking forward again...

Because everytime in the past year when I thought I was back in step...Getting my life together...Something or someone else decided to get in the way of my parade...I actually feel like sometimes the only purpose I have is to be used as someone else's emotional punching bag...If I feel worse than they do, then they feel better about their own lives...And I'm stupid enough to sit here and let it happen...

Instead of standing up and fighting back...It's that old pounded into my head bible verse..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you"...I do my damndest to treat people right...Bend over backwards to do everything I can...And get sh*t on in return...And does that stop me? No...Because I want to be able to look back and know that I did the best I could...Did what I thought was right...I don't want to live in a world of regret...

Unfortunately, I do...A world of regret that I can't seem find happiness in just being me...I look to others for validation that who I am is someone worthwhile...And that is a pathetic way to be...But when I try to see the person that others say I am...It seems as if their talking about a stranger...Someone I've never known...And I have no clue how to see that person in me...Maybe because I'm not meant to...

 

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