Over 16,514,115 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?

Angel In Chains's blog: "My Dad"

created on 08/26/2009  |  http://fubar.com/my-dad/b307513

taken from a recent message to a friend...i've been sitting here thinking of how to put into words what i went thru the last few days...and it just started flowing onto the page...i'm posting it just to get it off my mind...a confessional of sorts...but also a source of comfort to anyone else who may have went thru this same experience...or for someone who may have to in the future:

well he was the one that calmed me down yesterday...i still have it in the back of my mind that i killed my dad...it's a feeling i can't shake...the last day all i did was feed him morphine and adavan and later hallidal to keep him out of pain and calm...his breathing was shot...the pain was torture and he had asked weeks before to be kept out of pain and stress free and to just slip away...which is what he did...one minute he was there and the next he was gone...nothing dramatic..just stopped breathing and it was over...and i was there with him...the only one awake...it happened so fast that i didn't have time to call anyone...there was no warning at all...and the first thought in my mind was i killed him...but the nurse said that was the way it is done with hospice patients as far gone as he was...and rick (the ex) well he reminded me that is what my dad wanted...but i never thought he wouldn't be awake at the end...i didn't know that he would be totally drugged and unable to talk or even stay awake...and he wouldn't take the meds from anyone but me...he didn't want me away from his side when he was still coherent...in the end he could only get out the words pain and hurts...and all i wanted was to take it away...but to sit there and give him the drugs to do that i made him into a zombie...and i feel like i robbed him of the opportunity to talk to people at the end...to say anything he wanted to...and the nurses kept saying that people needed to get there and talk to him while he could talk back and understand...they didn't say why or warn us that at the end he wouldn't be capable of speech...i guess it was just a shock that it happened that way...i've never been with anyone when they died or at the stage he was at...i was totally unprepared and it hit hard...i just pray with everything in me that it never falls to me again to have that kind of responsibility...it's too much for anyone to have to bear

Leave a comment!
html comments NOT enabled!
NOTE: If you post content that is offensive, adult, or NSFW (Not Safe For Work), your account will be deleted.[?]

giphy icon
last post
14 years ago
posts
8
views
4,764
can view
everyone
can comment
everyone
atom/rss

other blogs by this author

 13 years ago
My Dark Angels
 13 years ago
Rants and Raves
 13 years ago
About Me
 13 years ago
Explicit Song Lyrics
 14 years ago
Gone But Not Forgotten
 14 years ago
Holiday Season 2009
official fubar blogs
 8 years ago
fubar news by babyjesus  
 13 years ago
fubar.com ideas! by babyjesus  
 10 years ago
fubar'd Official Wishli... by SCRAPPER  
 10 years ago
Word of Esix by esixfiddy  

discover blogs on fubar

blog.php' rendered in 0.0688 seconds on machine '7'.