Angel In Chains's blog: "My Dad"

The hospice nurse has come and gone...She affirmed what my gut instinct had already told me...Altho she says she has been wrong...She expects my dad will go sometime before or by morning...And my own heart had already told me that

The watching and waiting has been hard...Harder than it ever was with my grandma or grandpa...because they both went so quickly...And going thru each and every stage and set back with my dad has been harder than the next...Becuz I know there is only one ending in sight...And my mind is saying that it just can't be....

He's only 63...He should be here to see Ricki's baby born...His grand daughters and grandson graduate, get married...I was so proud to think that he would see Stef graduate from college...The first person in our immediate family on his side to do that...

And no I'm sitting here hoping that I am doing the right thing...To be honest I feel like Dr Kevorkian...A local celebrity of sorts...He was housed here at our prison and it is the one he was released from about a year ago...

I'm sitting here doing as the hospice nurse says...And my mind agrees but my heart rebels...And I'm wondering if anyone else out there has ever been in this position...Helping to keep their loved one calm, comfortable and using drugs as that means...

After all it is what he requested...When the time came that he was close...drugs to take away the pain...and the anti anxiety meds to keep him calm...so he could slip peacefully away...

My dad told us DNR...no machines...didn't want to live on pain meds...and the docotor told me 2 weeks ago this coming tuesday that he had 2-3 weeks left and that might be a generous estimate...I saw the decline from tues to thurs...the refusal for food...he stopped talking...then from thurs to friday...he took to his bed when before he didn't want to be in it...and from then to now...when all the words he could say (and not under any sedation...but when the morphine was wearing off) was Pain...Hurts...To hear my dad...strong...tuff...never say die...being reduced to the whimpers of a child...It was almost more than this tired mind spirit and body could take

I want reassurance...I want to know I'm doing the right thing...Altho he made all these choices before hand...All I am actually doing is taken those choices and putting them into action...Everyone keeps looking at me to make the decisions...To increase the meds as the nurse advised...not ordered...she left that choice up to me...and to make that choice...after being informed throroughly...It was the hardest thing I've ever done...