Angel In Chains's blog: "My Dad"

but it's harder to continue everyday watching someone you care about and knowing they don't feel the same...wanting to be here just to say hi once in a while...knowing you're presence isn't really necessary...and realizing it's time to let go of a dream that will never become reality...maybe because of your own fears...maybe because you're not ready to admit to anyone least of all them how you feel...and i never have and never will...i'm disappearing across to the other side of fubar...cutting my ties with a lot of people who have done nothing but hurt me...taking advantage of my inability to stand up for myself...i've let myself be walked on...used...broken...and it's time to say no more...i made several very close friends this time around on fubar...and losing you will be the hardest...but i won't forget you...i couldn't if i tried...but the pain of losing my dad...combined with all the fake people on this site has taken it's toll...i come here to bury myself in the world of make believe...to get away from the reality of my normal life...i've been called a "drama queen" by people who have no clue what i live with everyday...and when i log in here and put up with the crap some people seem to dish out on a daily basis...it hurts like hell...cuz all i've ever done is try to be a friend...and i've had it thrown back in my face more times than i can count...i'm still here...on another profile...made when i thought of seriously deleting this account before...some of you have found me already...either because i went looking for you...or you figured it out on your own...anyone who says they are my friend and can't find me...well it shows how little you really pay attention to what i do...and most likely you treat your other "friends" the same...just remember...fubar is supposed to be fun...a place for friends...family...and instead it feels like the hell that i'm already living everyday of my life...as always...peace luvs and hugs to you...i'll always be your friend :)

taken from a recent message to a friend...i've been sitting here thinking of how to put into words what i went thru the last few days...and it just started flowing onto the page...i'm posting it just to get it off my mind...a confessional of sorts...but also a source of comfort to anyone else who may have went thru this same experience...or for someone who may have to in the future:

well he was the one that calmed me down yesterday...i still have it in the back of my mind that i killed my dad...it's a feeling i can't shake...the last day all i did was feed him morphine and adavan and later hallidal to keep him out of pain and calm...his breathing was shot...the pain was torture and he had asked weeks before to be kept out of pain and stress free and to just slip away...which is what he did...one minute he was there and the next he was gone...nothing dramatic..just stopped breathing and it was over...and i was there with him...the only one awake...it happened so fast that i didn't have time to call anyone...there was no warning at all...and the first thought in my mind was i killed him...but the nurse said that was the way it is done with hospice patients as far gone as he was...and rick (the ex) well he reminded me that is what my dad wanted...but i never thought he wouldn't be awake at the end...i didn't know that he would be totally drugged and unable to talk or even stay awake...and he wouldn't take the meds from anyone but me...he didn't want me away from his side when he was still coherent...in the end he could only get out the words pain and hurts...and all i wanted was to take it away...but to sit there and give him the drugs to do that i made him into a zombie...and i feel like i robbed him of the opportunity to talk to people at the end...to say anything he wanted to...and the nurses kept saying that people needed to get there and talk to him while he could talk back and understand...they didn't say why or warn us that at the end he wouldn't be capable of speech...i guess it was just a shock that it happened that way...i've never been with anyone when they died or at the stage he was at...i was totally unprepared and it hit hard...i just pray with everything in me that it never falls to me again to have that kind of responsibility...it's too much for anyone to have to bear

The hospice nurse has come and gone...She affirmed what my gut instinct had already told me...Altho she says she has been wrong...She expects my dad will go sometime before or by morning...And my own heart had already told me that

The watching and waiting has been hard...Harder than it ever was with my grandma or grandpa...because they both went so quickly...And going thru each and every stage and set back with my dad has been harder than the next...Becuz I know there is only one ending in sight...And my mind is saying that it just can't be....

He's only 63...He should be here to see Ricki's baby born...His grand daughters and grandson graduate, get married...I was so proud to think that he would see Stef graduate from college...The first person in our immediate family on his side to do that...

And no I'm sitting here hoping that I am doing the right thing...To be honest I feel like Dr Kevorkian...A local celebrity of sorts...He was housed here at our prison and it is the one he was released from about a year ago...

I'm sitting here doing as the hospice nurse says...And my mind agrees but my heart rebels...And I'm wondering if anyone else out there has ever been in this position...Helping to keep their loved one calm, comfortable and using drugs as that means...

After all it is what he requested...When the time came that he was close...drugs to take away the pain...and the anti anxiety meds to keep him calm...so he could slip peacefully away...

My dad told us DNR...no machines...didn't want to live on pain meds...and the docotor told me 2 weeks ago this coming tuesday that he had 2-3 weeks left and that might be a generous estimate...I saw the decline from tues to thurs...the refusal for food...he stopped talking...then from thurs to friday...he took to his bed when before he didn't want to be in it...and from then to now...when all the words he could say (and not under any sedation...but when the morphine was wearing off) was Pain...Hurts...To hear my dad...strong...tuff...never say die...being reduced to the whimpers of a child...It was almost more than this tired mind spirit and body could take

I want reassurance...I want to know I'm doing the right thing...Altho he made all these choices before hand...All I am actually doing is taken those choices and putting them into action...Everyone keeps looking at me to make the decisions...To increase the meds as the nurse advised...not ordered...she left that choice up to me...and to make that choice...after being informed throroughly...It was the hardest thing I've ever done...

Rather than retyping an new blog...I am taking a portion of a message to a friend and posting it here...It outlines how my dad is doing right now

message as follows:

dad is doing so MUCH better! still terminally ill there is no changing that...but the raving psychotic in a drug induced delerium is gone!!!
the "well-meaning and trustworthy" docs and nurses at the VA hosp were drugging him with so many medications using the excuse that he was dying and in a death delerium becuz his body was closing down!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
they were literally causing the delerium and his deterioration!
he wasn't allowed out of bed...he was kept naked and in a diaper so they wouldn't have to deal with him going to the bathroom and they were giving him three different anti anxiety meds as well as oxycodone and other pain killers...all mixing and counter acting against one another til this man was a complete loony! and that is the only way i can even describe it...

now that he's here..in 24 hrs time...he's happy smiling joking laughing..insisting on getting up walking...eating well again...he is personality wise back to his old self..the only confusion is caused when he first take his oxycodone but that's to be expected...and yes he still dying but the docs said 2-3 weeks and were just doping him to keep him imobile til he did
and he may yet only have that time...but at least he will die peacefully and happy as can be expected of course at home surrounded by family
my faith in the VA system has totally deteriorated...it's ironic that my ex was the first one to ask if they were over medicating him...and i was trusting these docs to be looking after his best interests...after all he was in palative end of life nursing care...supposedly hospice...phhhhht!
that was NOT a hospice...the private hospice nurse that came here at 11pm last nite!! (wow) said that she had spent the day at that hosp and was appalled at the treatment the VA patients in the hospice center was receiving...and my dad is considering filing a greivance about this

Thank you to everyone for all the prayers, well wishes, support, encouragement and just plain out everything!!!

I truly believe some prayers were answered!!!

push has come to shove...my dad is coming home...his wife has no power of attorney...she cannot make decisions for him...and last nite she turned and looked at me and informed my "it's all on you...this is your decision" so ...i'm in it til the end...my dad will be taken care of if i have to be there round the clock 24/7 to be sure she doesn't neglect him as she did the 3 weeks before he was admitted to the hosp

know one knows how freaking hard this is...my common sense says to deny him the right to come home...but that is where he wants to be...how can i tell him no? his mind is being eaten away by all the things he has not completed to secure the future of me and the kids..he thought he had the time and now he realizes he doesn't...and it won't let him rest...the only thing i can think of is by coming home and being able to be where he is in control of what is happening and get those things done that he wants will ease him and perhaps then he can accept what is to come...at this point he can't and all i want is for him to die at peace knowing he finished what he had to do...and everyone that was there fighting for this is now backing up not wanting to take responsibility if anything happens...they can blame me...and so be it...

I am the eldest daughter...and i will take the blame to my grave if that is what has to be...my kids have been told everything that has transpired...they have not been kept in the dark and they know why i'm doing this and for what reasons...it has nothing to do with money, inheritances, nothing!

it has to do with this is what my dads wishes are and they will be honored...i will not let him down in this...and my kids are standing behind that decision...they are all old enuf to have a say in this matter and all they care about is "bompa" they could care less about what they receive...they want their bompa happy...end of lecture, confession, what ever the hell you want to call it...

there is so much more underlying reasons why i have made this decision...but for legal safety i am making no accusations...but dammit...there will be a documented and dated "document" so to speak right here...the date is there when this is uploaded...and no one will be able to say that i am not aware of exactly what i'm doing...or that i took any of her rights away..

God help me...But I went into my dad's house tonite looking to be sure that things were still there and finding nothing to settle these questions...And slowly but surely things are disappearing...I don't know what to do...The step monster is in contact with a lawyer...the number was there right on the caller i.d....A phone call from the VA in Phlladelphia has disappeared from the caller i.d. and she swears no one has contacted her...Money is being switched from one bank account to another within minutes of each other...And tonite when my dad became clear enuf to talk...He refused meds...Demanded to go home...And we couldn't take him...And she turned and pointed at me and told me that "it's your decision"....I'm in a situation where the only one I trust is my dad and he's not capable of controling anything....or telling me anything....With two women battling from both sides...And one who's doing everything in her power to keep him from coming home with hospice care...Another doing everything she can to get him home...And me in the middle of a battle of wills...And no one to turn to on my side and supporting me at this point...Everyone seems to have their own agenda....And at this point I don't know what that is...I'm only wanting to spend time with my dad and even he has cut me off as far as a person he can trust....He trusts only his friend...Honestly I'm clueless and feel as helpless as a person gets...I'm going on no sleep...Having to work in a few hours after just getting home an hour ago...Having phone calls to make trying to do what my dad wants as well as do what's best for him...And not knowing if I have a legal leg to stand on...And the thing I'm clinging to right now is that his "wife" looked at me and gave me the power to yay or nay his decison to go home...Saying she couldn't make these decisions...Not knowing what she was supposed to say...Quite simply not standing up for my dad as a wife should...I'm sitting here thinking of Terri Shiavo and what happened to her...Knowing that the marital partner is in control unless other power has been granted to someone else to take care of the other spouses wishes and act on their behalf....All I want is for my dad to be at peace when he passes...He shouldn't have to be worrying about this and the cancer has won by taking him down low before he had a chance to deal with things as they should have been...Becuz he plain out refused to believe he wouldn't beat it...And his fixation with having to take care of things is not helping his condition...He's not supposed to be having the anxiety but refusing the meds when they are offered...I'm confused, scared, angry, disbelieving, hurt, betrayed, and not knowing which way to turn...Why are people bent on making this an out and out war of wills? Why can't they let the man die in peace? Why is this woman bent on taking away anything and everything she can that my dad wants? How the hell are there people in the world who care nothing for anyone but themselves and their own interests? Esp about the people they claim to "love?"

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and words of support. As I sat here reading this, I thanked God for each and everyone of you.

As of last nite when we left, my dad was still strong and holding his own. The doctor said that they are doing they're best to keep him comfortable. During the time we were up there, he was clear for only about a half hour.

Last nite was a revelation for me in a lot of ways. And the most shocking one was, that I am unable to trust the woman who has married him only recently. I'm alone in a sea of confusion. In the middle of two women warring over a man who will soon be gone.

And all my kids and I are wanting is to spend time with him before he is gone. Peaceful time to talk, let him know how much we love him, trying to encourage him. 

And I am sitting here right now, not knowing what to do. Only wanting to see his wishes followed thru. And finding out in a three hour conversation that he has divulged those wishes to only one person who won't reveal them until after his death.

I don't understand the games people play. I don't know why others want to add to this pain, esp the woman who should only have his best interests at the front of everything, over her own and her kids. I don't know who to believe and it overshadows everything at this point, adding to the stress of what is going on. None of this has a happy ending no matter how many different scenarios my mind is playing out. Each one ends with only one thing. I'm losing my dad. And I don't understand why other people think that money and possessions could be any more important than that.

I'm taking the time while waiting for my dad's wife to get here to let anyone who may wonder what is happening.

My dad's doctor called this morning. It has come to the point that it is just a matter of time. My dad has lung cancer and COPD as well as pneumonia that just won't go away. He did two rounds of chemo and radiation and in essence took his chances that he might beat the cancer. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be.

The radiation was the cause of radiation pnuemonia. At this time he only has one lung left that is actually working. The other one is gone.

He has refused to have anymore needles in any form. He is dangerously anemic and getting more so as the pneumonia gets worse. A blood transfusion might help but since he has refused the needles that is out of the question.

Because of the anemia, his body is not getting the oxygen it needs and his body is starting to shut down. He was able to let the doctor know Monday in one of his clearer moments, that he is in severe pain. So they have upped his Oxicodin, which is one of the causes of the delerium and dementia that has now set in.

My only regret is that we didn't know this was coming this fast. I doubt that he realized himself that the time would come so quickly that he would not know where he is or why he is there.

All he is asking for is to go home. And he can't. That is the pain that hurts me the most right now. No one should have to be alone with strangers at a time like this. Unfortunately, being self-employed means that I have no recourse in times such as this. I can't take time off without having someone to do my job. And even if I could, I couldn't pay them and my bills, too.

So, I have to sit here every day when I'm not up at the hospital with my dad, praying that he holds on until I can get there.

And the people in his life, who seem to think this is the time to start dividing up what little he has. The questions from friends, not even relatives, wanting to know "Who gets his car?" or "Did he make a will?" or the one yesterday, demanding to be driven up to see him when we go.

Perhaps I'm selfish, but I feel that it is none of anyone's business except immediate family right now. My dad had no desire for anyone to see him this way. He has requested no funeral, no memorial, to be cremated and have his ashes spread over the land where he grew up. To quote him word for word, "I don't want people who didn't give a damn about me when I was alive, coming to stare at me and cry when I'm dead." And as his oldest daughter, I feel that it is up to me to see those wishes are honored.

That means once again, I will have to play "Queen Bitch", as I call it. I am the one who will have to be strong and stand up to these people and truthfully, I don't know if I have it in me anymore. I've had to do it so many times before.

I'm sending Love, Hugs, and wishes for Peace to all my friends. I am beginning to realize that it is so important to take the time to tell the people you care for as often as you can how much they mean to you.

Because you just never know or expect there to come a day when they won't be there to tell anymore.