The more you Know..... — Sunday, July 08, 2007
This obviously isn't TO, anyone in particular, or anyone in general for that matter. It's just stram of consieness thoughts I guess. It's not really directed at anyone reading it.
I am writing this because I can't really talk to anyone about it. There's all kinds of wierd awkward things that go on that I can't really talk to people about. I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, or them to feel sorry for me. I don't really want to spread any negative feelings.
I do my best to learn more about myself as well as other peiople around me. I am in a somewhat confused eomtional state right now. I am out of touch with what other people arbritraily labrel shoulds and shouldn'ts. Often times I feel bad about not feeling bad. It seems like I should, but I don't. It's hard to understand what's "OK to feel " and what's not. The idealistic " comforting " answere is " it's ok to feel howver you do". All and any emotions are ok at any time, it's just how you manage them, and react to them that makes the real difference. As I think I've mentioned before, I've come across all sorts of weird, and crazy circumstances, and I've adapted my feelings towards reality to deal with them. It's become a standard thing for me to just accept people for who they are, and many have become appreciative of that. Recently it's become a standard thing for me to sit and listen to people's problems, and just be there to listen. I've done a lot to curb my automatic judment, and advice that comes with me listening to other people's problems. Some people just want or need theri problems to be listened to, not to be solved. So I do my best just to sit there and listen. Sometimes people ask me for my thoughts, or sympathy in the matter though. People think I'm smart, and value my opinion on things I guesse. I'm not an expert on everything though. I also don't always side with people when they expect or want me to. Sometimes people mess up, and they cause their own problems, and they want me to agree with them that what they did was good, or what ought to be done. Sometimes they want me to blame other people who caused their problems, and feel their same animosity towards those people who they blame for everything. Sometimes these people are actually the cause of a lot of problems, and sometimes they aren't. Holding onto animosity towards these people isn't healthy though. It hurts you more than it hurts them. Often times it destroys the person holiding it, and does nothing to the person who caused it. It's unfair to try to infect other people with that animosity you harbor. Sometimes terrible things happen to people, and " Letting it go " if incredibly hard to do. " Easier said than done. " as the saying goes. But don't bring what's destroying you onto other people. I'll acknowledge your pain, but don't try to make me feel it. It won't make things better.
It's been a busy week, but an uneventull weekend. Tow of my classes are done with, and I now have a little more time on my hands. As always other peple would love to have the things I complain about in my life. The things that seem to make me unhappy, are completely insane. I have all this time on my hands and it's depressing. I have to watch tv or movies or something and write about it. The crazy thing is, it's the having to watch the tv and/or movies that upsets me, not the writing. It's not even that I don't have the time, especially now, I have lots of time. Lots of tiem to sit and think about things and be lonly and depressed and miserable. Atleast when I have things to do, it give me a reason to get out of bed. It gets my mind off of stuff, keeps it busy. I am almost entirely reactive. I function fine when I have lots of things to reacxt to. Absent of those things, I don 't know what to do. I mostly lay in bed, and think and be depressed all day.
I have thise weird need to make people happy. Or just generally cause happiness around me. Maybe it's a controll thing. I often figure out things tha make people happy, and do them for them. Other people are happy about that, and it satisfies my need to make people happy. It makes it hard for me to say no to things. Sometimes it's not even saying no, but not doing things I know people like even when they don't even ask for them. But qam I really doing this for them? Or am I really doing it for me? It's probably a little of both, but often times I am doing it largly for me, so I can " fullfill that need. " So basicly I'm making other people happy selfishly for my own happiness. Is that wrong? Am I just using other people to fullfill this sick need I have to make people happy? Am I merely exploiting their emotions to satisfy myself?
I then become the asshole for being nice to them and making them happy. I'm the asshole to for creating theri positive emotions. ( so maybe I can feed off their positive emotions using them for my benifit? ) One of the things that makes this difficult is that it knows almost no boundries. Unless it's illegal, whatever it takes to make people happy, I'll often do. Sometimes these things make me feel stupid afterwards. Sometimes I enjoy them as I'm doing them. Sometimes I feel like I should feel bad or stupid afterwards, but don't. My logical mind says one thing, but then my consiouness of the social collective views says another. It amost makes me feel wrong for feeling the way I do.
It's been a weird week. I have an appointment with my counselor on monday. He seems more interested in me than helping me with my problems. That might be helpfull to some people. I don't need anyone esle to to act, or actually be interested in me or my problems. He doesn't even need to care or act like he cares, as long as he helps fe figure out something to fix, or help them. I didn't go there for empathy, or sympathy, or to be heard, I went there for help. There are alot of weird personal things that are difficult to talk about. They make people feel awkward. Part of it is I don't like the feeling of makeing other people feel awkward, and i somehow feel more thee's something wrong with me for feeling I should be able to talk about stuff. I feel that more than feeling awkward about talking about stuff. I feel awkward about not feeling awkward. I don't always do tings that are socially acceptable, and often do things that aren't. But why? Why aren't they? Or Why do I just not understand the whole thing? I don't really feel bad about it. I feel weird or bad that I don't feel bad. It all sounds weird logicly, but makes more sense when everything else is taken into consideration.
I don't now. I have an overload of thoughts and emotions. It kinda causes numbness. It's better to be numb than have to deal with things I don't know how to deal with. I think too much, and feel too much. It causes me to want not to do either at all. I'm just sick of it all. And I don't know if it's "OK" to feel that way. LOL
No, I don't need my feelings vallidated. I know " how " to deal with people like me. I know how to respond mostly if I were talking to myself how to make me feel better. I know all the propper respsonses to what I say and think, and feel. If I could somehow split my depressed self, and counselor self apart, I could probably talk to the other individual and make them feel better. This would be possible only because the other individual wouldn't really know what I was doing, adn what needed to be done.
My logical mond argues with my emotional mind all the time. One says what makes sense, and the other kinda inputs some of the reality of situations. ( The reality part comes from the emotional side, because unfortanly emotions are part of reality. It's a part that the logical mind tends to ignore, or discredit. Emotions just get in the way of things anyway.
