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borred night. — Saturday, 27 May 2006 Yah, I'm just sitting in my apartment alone, sober, and bored. My friends are out of town for the "Holiday" It seems like a rather depressing day to be called a holiday though. All the way around, not just cuz I'm alone, but the whole thinking about dead people thing. I ain't doing much. It's days like this when it seems like I should be thankfull I have ways to cope with things like this. But on the other hand, that's like being thankfull for a life full of borring lonly nights, just cuz when another one comes along, it's not so bad. It's like being happy I haven't really been with a girl much or been happy much in my life, cuz now I am uste to it, and it's not a big deal. But if I had lots of happyness in my life and was totally distraut right now because I wasn't uste to it, it seems like people would tell me I should be more thankfull for the times when my life was happy. so wich is better really? People can always put that positive or negative spin on things. I don't have a job, but I still have lots of money. Because of my life of being alone and borred so much too. So that's nice. *laughs at all the people who have jobs and no money* What now bitches? lol. Yes, there's always that positive spin on things. Being sad doesn't do much for you anyway most of the time. Although, I can write some good stuff when I am totally depressed, and sometimes draw some really dark shit. But Those are just better reasons for people to be scared of me and increase my future lonlyness, so it's all a vicious cycly of abuse. It never ends!!! ahahaah!!!!! lol Oh yah, funny shit. I was entertaining myself on yahoo answers agian for awhile. But eventually it gets old. I think I am going to walk over to the dollhouse, hope I don't get mugged, get drunk, play pool with myself, ( playing with myself here is getting borring ) and then eventually walk back, hoping once again not to get jumped. but hey, that could be fun, as long as I don't die or end up with any serious injurys. I will deffinantly be wearing my steel toed shoes. And probably carrying my spike on my keychain.

This ain't a common thing for me to do, so be sure to read the other religion section too. — Monday, 05 June 2006 Bet you didn't see that one coming....lol I saw a sign today, saying spreading the gospel from nation to nation. I thought it said spamming when I first read it. I thought it was funny until I looked closer. But ohwell. That means I can make my own sign like that without it being the same as someone else's. However people want to do it I guess. I think that is about the only part of the bible worth listining to anyway, wether religious or not. It goes back to that age old question- What would Jesus do? I seems like the world would be a more pleasant place if people lived by that sort of philosiphy. It bothers me when I hear about all these people claiming to do stuff because they are "christian" and being judgmental about other people and their beliefs and ways. Because atleast from the many times I have read that part of the bible, ( I might have forgotten or missed the part ) it seems like he was not a judmental person. He didn't bother the people who were working on sunday, and he sat at the table with the sinners. He seemed all about being part of their lives, and influinceing people by his good example. Not threats of violence, violence, incarceration, or stuff like that. Seems like the basic message was love thy neihbor as you would yourself. Like the whole golden rule thing. Why can't we just respect other people, thier lifestyles, beliefs, etc. and do our best to improve ourselves so we stand out as shining examples that motivate people to follow us? The plank and the sawdust thing. But hey, people like to pick out the things that justify the thoughts and ways they allready live by, Instead of following the basic common sense, part of it. As I guesse I have just done in the preceding. So I guess I'm just as much of a hypocrite as anyone else......

it think I used the good titles allready — Friday, 09 June 2006 Well, I was just bored and found something funny. http://tagworld.com/LMNLI check out the videos there. I got called for an interview today. It's sad. Cuz now I am going home, and people want me to work for them. That is really frustraiting. I am deffinantly very allergic to something in the catfish sandwiches at logan's roadhouse. I tried to finish my sandwich hoping before it was from a combination of other things, but no, I was right the first time. So that really sux. I have to find some other easy food to eat now, or cook something. Allergies suck. I'm allergic to food, and mammals, and birds, and pollen, and probably other stuff too. I was told that my hair makes me look like an idiot today in yahoo answeres, so My question is, which one? How many idiots do you know with blue hair? I want to meet them, and tell them to quit makeing me look bad.

Epiphinies of the day!!!! — Sunday, 11 June 2006 Ok, So I have gotten a couple bright ideas today. The firs one has come up before while i spontaniously went on a rant, but got better today. Instead of having shcool uniforms, why not have shcool costumes instead? Everyone could be required to wear their whole costume when they came to school, and that way everyone would look exactly the same. And no one would get picked on, or be distracted by those who looked different. No more not being able to concentrate in class cuz some fat girl is there so it's distracting, or someone with a pretty face is there, or all the annoying people with different hair colors as you are around, so you just can't foucus on what the teacher is saying, or concentrate on reading your book and answereing you questions. There will no more be a need to teahc kids discapline, and the ability to concentrate. It's over rated anyway, that's why we went to uniforms and dress codes to begin with. As well as not haveing respect for everyone's beliefs and cultures, and values. But why have shit like respect for other people being taught in our schools anyway. It only leads to moral decay. So we need to have whole costumes for people to wear. They could be like the same as the school mastcott or something. and they could make everyone look exactly the same. they would be big enough that you wouldn't be able to tell who the fat kids were, and the short kids could just get platforms or something in their shoes. They would all wear masks and wigs too. That way everyone would look exactly alike, makeing everything more efficient. And no one would make fun of anyone else. Well except they might have to have voice emitters, cuz people still talk differently. And we wouldn't want kids learning to respect the way different people talk either. But it would all be for the good of the learning envirenment.......... Next thing, is I'm going to start playing the echo game with my neiblor. Everytime I hear her yell, or scream something, I am just going to scream it too. Maybe she will get the message. And if not, it sure will be fun anyway.

Plain Language — Sunday, 23 July 2006 http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/23/weekinreview/23rutenberg.html I don't like bush. ( incase you missed that part in past blogs ) But nothing is all good or all bad. One of the things I do like about him, and applaude him for is his plain language. I firlmly believe in telling things just exactly how you see them. Whether you are smart, dumb, evil or good. Be honest, straightforward, and tell people just exactly what you think, and feel. Talk how you talk, don't be plastic, and put on a show for people. I don't care who you are talking to. Honesty. It should always be applauded whenever it rears it's ugly head. It takes a lot of balls to be honest sometimes. Especially if you are stupid, and/or have unpopular opinions of things. I am all for letting people know just exactly how you feel. Tact, and politicall correctness is a bunch of bullshit. It leads to misscommunication. " It is too hard for people to understand what the fuck you are trying to say if you are talking while you are sucking their dick" - ME. It just comes out as lots of mumbling. And they don't seem to care what you were saying, but they seem to get off as the result. For some odd reason, I just don't see that as a productive, efficient way of communication. ( Yes often I saw the army as a really bad porn. Everywhere I went, people were either sucking eachother off, or getting fucked in the ass for not doing so. ) That's just fort bragg, in a nutshell, especially in my brigade.

free stuff. And yah, incase you missed it, I'm a sick fuck. lol. — Thursday, 27 July 2006 and friendlyness, is friendlyness. And close to godlyness? so, I sent invites out to most of the people in my yahoo addressbook. Some of them were allready on here. and I just didn't look through it well. So if you get one of those things, sorry. I guesse the new points thing is how many people you invited to sign up. From my understanding of the context clues. Now, I'm still not sure if when you get 15 people to join, you get a free webcam? or you just are entered in a drawing to get a free webcam. If you were really desperate for that webcam, you could make a bunch of email addresses and then go in and join under each of them. If I did it, I would make some type of different little pages for each of the fake people. It could be fun actually. I could make up 15 different personallities, and go into them when I got bored, and portrayed the one I felt like doing. I could have a paranoid guy, a really conservative guy, an extreme left guy, a dog person, a cat person, a young person, an old person, a religious person, a slutty girl, an innocent girl, a stuck up predjudice person, Let's see. How many is that so far. I could just use it to designe characters. So then I could use them if I wrote a book, or movie, or videogame or something. It would be a whole made up thing. Other people have done it, so why not me I guesse. I think they are called fiction writers or something. And then there's people who do it to themselves. Just create a persona, wich ever one they think people will like best, and just try to act accordingly. I don't know, I guesse whatever works for people. Most people do that sometimes when they need to. It's just varies on the degree of it. I can be friendly when it suits me, even though I am not normally like that. Meaning if iI have to be to get something I want, or I feel it's necesarry for somereason I'll do it. But it's really not something I enjoy doing, and it's kinda putting on a show for me. It's something I'll do when I need a break from fighting with people. I guesse being friendly is like a bad habbit for me that slipps out every once in a while. So I'll just take this time to apologize to all the people I've ever been friendly to. I'm sorry, and hopefully you aren't too mad at me. lol. I talk to people when I'm really bored sometimes. And it's friendly like, when I don't feel like fighting with someone. All those poor souls who fell victims to friendlynesss............. I have a weird perception. I don't like it most of the time when people I don't know start talking to me. Even when they are just being friendly, or when the store greeter asks me how I am. I just think, do you really care? probably not, so fuck offf. So I feel like I'm bothering people by talking to them most of the time. It's not a low selfesteme thing. It's being over considerate to other's thing. I realize that talking to me, makes other people feel really small and insignificant a lot, so I don't like causing them that emotional trauma. lol. When I am being friendly I usually have a genuine concern for the people I am talking to. I don't like talking to people enough to do it purely to bullshit with them just to pass the time. Oh, so that brings me to the next topic. Being flirty. A long time ago, I was told I was not flirty enough. So I have been working on it ever since. That way I can do it when I feel like it. It's basicly talking a lot of shit, only it's more directed at girls. It's the macho side of things on the other side. With guys it's violence, and who's the bigger badass. And then with girls it's about other things. It's not a serious sort of thing, just as it's not that serious when most guys are talking shit to each other, just being macho. What's said duing that time is all in fun. ( most of the time ) Other wise guys would constantly be like, ok prove it, getting into fights and killing people by ripping their eyeballs out and eating them, or gouging each other's heart's out with spoons, or whatever hardcore shit people were talking to out do eachother, going prove it. And girls would be going ok, prove it. People would be having sex on and undertables, eat stuff off of and out of others, and all sorts of things, at the drop of a hat. Now combine the two. That would be a fun world to live in!!!! People would be like," Really, I'll rip you eyeballs out through ways of your mouth, shove them in her ass, squish them, and then lick it all out!!! "
Well, no more girlfriend — Monday, 11 September 2006 girls are a hassle anyway It's sad I guess. I do really feel bad. It kinda fucked things up for her. But is it worse than changing my mind after she got here? I said I would give her a chance, but maybe I did. It doesn't usually take me long to develop feelings towards someone. On the other side, it doesn't take long for me to lose those feelings either. I never told her I loved her. Because I didn't. I'm not really sad that she's gone, or even not going to be her. I'm just sad because I hurt her. She had her hopes up, and I crushed them. I may be an ass, but I can't control how I feel. Only what I do. I can't really contrlol how other people feel either. Although time and time again, I come to the conclusion that I should always be an asshole to everyone. That way no one would end up likeing me. And more to my own selfish ends than anything else, I wouldn't feel bad later about them missing me, or upset because they like me and I don't like them. Maybe I'm totally concieted, and I don't care about how they feel as much as I don't like being upset because of it. REally, them being upset is what makes me upset most of the time. However, it may just be a fake obligatory feeling. I'm not really upset, I just feel I should be due to socialization. And if I'm not, then I'm just fucked up, and I don't really want to be fucked up so I am upset?? Yah, what came first, the chicken or the egg? all sorts of questions. I do know that I had no real feelings that I should have had after knowing her for as long as I did. She just didn't make me feel like I made her feel. There's no butterflys, or that warm tingling sensation from being around her, or talking to her on the phone. Another sad thing is, I didn't really even enjoy talking to her most of the time. On the phone, or texting her. I didn't even get that feeling that I have gotten from other people that I have liked. For a while, I liked the idea of haveing a girlfriend. I think I'm just inlove with that idea. For years and years, all I really wanted was a girlfriend. And I had one, untill just minutes ago. And she sensed that love of the idea towards her. As did I at times. I was so happy atfirst, but it wasn't really her that made me happy. It was the idea I had a girlfriend. Ther mere idea that any girl actually likes me is so odd and unimaginable to me. I guesse cuz most of my life most girls have not really liked me, or just plain thought I was creepy, or scary, or retarded or something. Just so ya'll know how big of an asshole I seem, here's the consequences and repercussions of my actions. : This girl has been looking forward for a long time of coming here. She is going to be homeless after the 22nd because she allready made arrangements to come here. She sent a bunch of boxes here allready, so I have to send them back when they get here. I will also be sending money for the comforter that I threw up on, as well as rent so she can have a place to stay for a couple months. However I doubt that someone won't let her stay with them untill she finds a place to be. Her friend was actually talking about her movingin with her before, so maybe she will just do that. ( She could even come stay here if she wanted still, but she doesn't. ) she also feels stupid now that she let her gaurd down with me. Her kids like me, and won't get to see me. She's going to feel stupid because she was always talking about me and how she was comeing here, and she is going to have to tell everyone that she isn't now. And she also won't trust anyone ever again probably, and be alone for a very long time. Oh, but she has a plane tickit she can use to go anywhere she wants. So she can use that to go to her friends house. Or anywhere really. She did realize that she had to get out of the situation she was in. That is a positive thing that came out of it. She is forced to move forward in her life, or atleast given a push to. For me, it's not all that bad. Just the giant guilt trip. And a little less of the great green god that so many people seem to whorship. I'm too busy with school to spend it on anything really fun anyway though. It's not all that important to me at this point. ( Some people say that the lack of whorshipping the great green god is a sign of immaturaty and I nned to grow up. But to me, it seems the opposite. ) And well that's about it. They say one in the hand is better than 2 in the bush. But not if you aren't thrilled with the one in the hand, and it inhibits you from getting one that you are thrilled about. I want something that I am thrilled about. I want someone who gives me butterflys to talk to, and that warm tingling sensation. My girlfriend was really nice to me, and would have done lots of stuff for me. But I don't need that. I want that feeling, and I didn't have it with her. I don't need someone to take care of me. Actually I don't really like it. It doesn't feel right. I don't really want someone that will cater to me. It's not really a plus, it's a minus. I don't want a " good woman " I just want someone I love. Wouldn't it be nice if we could choose who we loved? We could just choose to love anyone who loved us and we would be happy. Happy would be good. I think, anyway. I'm not too familiar with it. I feel it sometimes though, for seconds at a time usually. Sometimes for longer, but not usually. Theres about an hr a day every other day I'm happy I guess now. Maybe it will grow eventually. I have more time to do my homework that I don't feel obligated to talk to my girlfriend now. So that's good. People shouldn't ever have to talk to their girlfriend because they feel obligated to. I hate that feeling. She thinks I didn't even try it. Well I wasn't even happy talking to her, how would I feel about her being around? Yah, she'd be real nice to me and hope I got my feeling for her, or back for her that I may have had before. It might have been possible, maybe even likly. But ya never know. This all started because I told her I liked a girl here. One that I have barely even talked to. I'm supposed to control my emotions somehow. And I probably should have just not told her about it. And waited until she got here. But I felt she had the right to know before coming over here. I still wanted her to come over here, ( before talking to her on the phone recently ) but after talking to her, things were just a mess. It's not like I have said much to the girl, or talk to her on a regular basis, or asked her out or anything. And the really sad part is, I'm probably not going to. I just stick to my self and do my own thing, other than participating in class. Even if I did ask her out, what if I decieded i didn't like her later? then I'm playing with her emotions because later i didn't feel the same way. I can't control how I feel. Only what I do. I can do whatever people ask me to. But I can't feel how they want me to. There's lots of shoulds out there in the world, but that's just life. I have extreme emotions and they go away sometimes. Sometimes they are only there for minutes. I get really pissed off sometiems too. But then later I I won't be. It won't even be a big deal. Sometimes I'll really like someone, and then they will say the wrong thing, and I won't like them at all. That's just how I am. Extreme mood swings. It's not that hard to see them when I write for a long time. In my profile it says I'm bipolar-like. I don't try to hide that. Sometimes people don't want to accept it though, or don't understand it, or just don't believe it. I guesse I just don't really exist? or my whole life is one big sharade......

Just another day — Tuesday, 12 September 2006 Uh math class was today. It's not fun, but not too bad. I should have cooked steaks today but didn't. I made nachos instead. a very nutritios dinner. I get to have this time to do stuff instead of talk to my girlfriend, so that's cool. lol. yah, just been doing shcool stuff mostly. I talked to the rotc guy today, and found information out to think about. It's tempting, but I don't know how much I want to do the army thing again. Yah, It's mostly about gender-discrimination and my hair. I'd make some good money, but money can't buy happiness. And I can't pay someone to let me have long purple hair. Some things are just priceless. It's those things that really matter to me in life. Money isn't everything. Shit, I have money now, and i ain't thrilled. My girlfriend's stuff got here today!! how exciting, not. I just have to send it off to her new address. that and her crib. So yah, I was looking forward to stuff before, but ohwell. Shit happens, now it's just a small pain in the ass. I figure I'll send the fucking csi shotglass I got for her too. I don't watch the show. I don't watch tv. and I have more than plenty of shot glasses. And can have more than plenty of booze if the occasion is right, so keep that in mind if you want to party sometime. LOL. So I keep noticing water in my eyes. I guess I need to take allergy pills or blink more or something... Tomarrow should be a happy day. Oh, I need to find out who arrested Timmy McVeigh before friday. I have all sorts of shit I need to do tomarrow, some of wich I should have done today, but I kinda forgot. Drama and shit fucks my memory up worse than it allready is. I was bored and checked out the lost cherry site today. It's interesting, and has some good ideas. But for now, this is much better for me. I couldn't find a place to post blogs there. I guess I could just keep posting them in the about me section. I don't know. I don't think spending more time online would be very productive anyway.
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