Well, no more girlfriend — Monday, 11 September 2006
girls are a hassle anyway
It's sad I guess. I do really feel bad. It kinda fucked things up for her. But is it worse than changing my mind after she got here?
I said I would give her a chance, but maybe I did. It doesn't usually take me long to develop feelings towards someone. On the other side, it doesn't take long for me to lose those feelings either. I never told her I loved her. Because I didn't. I'm not really sad that she's gone, or even not going to be her. I'm just sad because I hurt her. She had her hopes up, and I crushed them. I may be an ass, but I can't control how I feel. Only what I do. I can't really contrlol how other people feel either. Although time and time again, I come to the conclusion that I should always be an asshole to everyone. That way no one would end up likeing me. And more to my own selfish ends than anything else, I wouldn't feel bad later about them missing me, or upset because they like me and I don't like them. Maybe I'm totally concieted, and I don't care about how they feel as much as I don't like being upset because of it. REally, them being upset is what makes me upset most of the time. However, it may just be a fake obligatory feeling. I'm not really upset, I just feel I should be due to socialization. And if I'm not, then I'm just fucked up, and I don't really want to be fucked up so I am upset?? Yah, what came first, the chicken or the egg? all sorts of questions. I do know that I had no real feelings that I should have had after knowing her for as long as I did. She just didn't make me feel like I made her feel. There's no butterflys, or that warm tingling sensation from being around her, or talking to her on the phone. Another sad thing is, I didn't really even enjoy talking to her most of the time. On the phone, or texting her. I didn't even get that feeling that I have gotten from other people that I have liked. For a while, I liked the idea of haveing a girlfriend. I think I'm just inlove with that idea. For years and years, all I really wanted was a girlfriend. And I had one, untill just minutes ago. And she sensed that love of the idea towards her. As did I at times. I was so happy atfirst, but it wasn't really her that made me happy. It was the idea I had a girlfriend. Ther mere idea that any girl actually likes me is so odd and unimaginable to me. I guesse cuz most of my life most girls have not really liked me, or just plain thought I was creepy, or scary, or retarded or something.
Just so ya'll know how big of an asshole I seem, here's the consequences and repercussions of my actions. : This girl has been looking forward for a long time of coming here. She is going to be homeless after the 22nd because she allready made arrangements to come here. She sent a bunch of boxes here allready, so I have to send them back when they get here. I will also be sending money for the comforter that I threw up on, as well as rent so she can have a place to stay for a couple months. However I doubt that someone won't let her stay with them untill she finds a place to be. Her friend was actually talking about her movingin with her before, so maybe she will just do that. ( She could even come stay here if she wanted still, but she doesn't. ) she also feels stupid now that she let her gaurd down with me. Her kids like me, and won't get to see me. She's going to feel stupid because she was always talking about me and how she was comeing here, and she is going to have to tell everyone that she isn't now. And she also won't trust anyone ever again probably, and be alone for a very long time. Oh, but she has a plane tickit she can use to go anywhere she wants. So she can use that to go to her friends house. Or anywhere really. She did realize that she had to get out of the situation she was in. That is a positive thing that came out of it. She is forced to move forward in her life, or atleast given a push to.
For me, it's not all that bad. Just the giant guilt trip. And a little less of the great green god that so many people seem to whorship. I'm too busy with school to spend it on anything really fun anyway though. It's not all that important to me at this point. ( Some people say that the lack of whorshipping the great green god is a sign of immaturaty and I nned to grow up. But to me, it seems the opposite. ) And well that's about it. They say one in the hand is better than 2 in the bush. But not if you aren't thrilled with the one in the hand, and it inhibits you from getting one that you are thrilled about. I want something that I am thrilled about. I want someone who gives me butterflys to talk to, and that warm tingling sensation.
My girlfriend was really nice to me, and would have done lots of stuff for me. But I don't need that. I want that feeling, and I didn't have it with her. I don't need someone to take care of me. Actually I don't really like it. It doesn't feel right. I don't really want someone that will cater to me. It's not really a plus, it's a minus. I don't want a " good woman " I just want someone I love.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could choose who we loved? We could just choose to love anyone who loved us and we would be happy. Happy would be good. I think, anyway. I'm not too familiar with it. I feel it sometimes though, for seconds at a time usually. Sometimes for longer, but not usually. Theres about an hr a day every other day I'm happy I guess now. Maybe it will grow eventually. I have more time to do my homework that I don't feel obligated to talk to my girlfriend now. So that's good. People shouldn't ever have to talk to their girlfriend because they feel obligated to. I hate that feeling. She thinks I didn't even try it. Well I wasn't even happy talking to her, how would I feel about her being around? Yah, she'd be real nice to me and hope I got my feeling for her, or back for her that I may have had before. It might have been possible, maybe even likly. But ya never know. This all started because I told her I liked a girl here. One that I have barely even talked to. I'm supposed to control my emotions somehow. And I probably should have just not told her about it. And waited until she got here. But I felt she had the right to know before coming over here. I still wanted her to come over here, ( before talking to her on the phone recently ) but after talking to her, things were just a mess. It's not like I have said much to the girl, or talk to her on a regular basis, or asked her out or anything. And the really sad part is, I'm probably not going to. I just stick to my self and do my own thing, other than participating in class. Even if I did ask her out, what if I decieded i didn't like her later? then I'm playing with her emotions because later i didn't feel the same way.
I can't control how I feel. Only what I do. I can do whatever people ask me to. But I can't feel how they want me to. There's lots of shoulds out there in the world, but that's just life. I have extreme emotions and they go away sometimes. Sometimes they are only there for minutes. I get really pissed off sometiems too. But then later I I won't be. It won't even be a big deal. Sometimes I'll really like someone, and then they will say the wrong thing, and I won't like them at all. That's just how I am. Extreme mood swings. It's not that hard to see them when I write for a long time. In my profile it says I'm bipolar-like. I don't try to hide that. Sometimes people don't want to accept it though, or don't understand it, or just don't believe it. I guesse I just don't really exist? or my whole life is one big sharade......
