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ittycelt: less than a minute ago a suicide attempt isnt a cry for help its a big SHOUT!!! Hey, people, somethings wrong....waake up and pay attention...im not just blue...i want to die...somebody listen to me...somebody help me, someone please give a damn enough to oopen your ears and hear what im syying...its not going to just go away because you think it should..its part of me...accept it and be there for me....im tired of pretending to be the strong one....im tired of being the one everyone comes to to solve your problems...where are you when i need someone to be strong for me...my suicide attempt isnt a cry for attention....its a great big shout for help, for someone to listen. im tired of hearing shes just having a pity party, shes just feeling sorry for herself, she just wants attention, shes a drama queen...listen up folks, its a chemical imbalance in my brain...i cant fix it, i cant make it go away, im sorry if y moods disturb you, but if youl stop and listen for 5 minutes, maybe youll understand that i cant help the way i feel, that i need love and support, not criticicism and humiliations. my illness does not define me, it is a part of me. Ride the wave,. And until the day you wake up covered in blood nd have no memory of slicing your body open, then you cannot tell me you understand. until the day you tell your child i want you to leave because you wont behave and five minutes later youre crying please dont leave, please dont tell me, how to deal with my life. Until the day you see the pain in your childs eyes as he looks at the bloody scars on your body and listen to his angry words, please dont try to tell me itl be ok, youve been there, because unless your chld has seen you try to slice your wrists, there is no way in bloody hell that you can even come close to comprehending what my life is like. Yes, i may look healthy, but until you go days without eating because you forget or are just too tired of life to care, until you walk a mile in my shoes, dont for a second try to pretend to understand the hell i put my family and children through. If you want to help, be there for my child to talk to, because he doesnt understand and he lives it everyday, so you cant possibly understand it.Please, stop telling me i just need to get out, get over it, excercise or quit feeling sorry for myself. i take a collection of pills everyday that would choke a horse, in the hopes htat we can find the right combination ofchemicals to balance out my brain. I talk and talk, and talk until i lose my voice or get cramps in y fingers. There is no cure for e, all there is is pills to try and keep the moods in an even balance. Your comments make the stress worse, and the more stress i am under, the less the pills help So, if you really want to help me, be a friend to my child, offer to come cook for me whr, especially when you know that i am alone, or bring me a plate of food from whatever you cook. Offer to come help me with cleaning, or to cut my lawn. Even a phone call when you know i am alone would be a help, because then i wont feel invisible or or forgotten. No my suicide attempt is not a cry for help, it is a cry for understanding, compassision and caring.

    As i look back now, 7 years later, I realize that day was a pivotal point in my mental status. thats when i started going downhil into the slide to where im at now. That was the day i started withdrawing and becoming more and more agorophobic, not leaving the house unless i had to. Even though i pushed for my advancement, if the doctors had been paying attention, then i might not be where i am now. i was an assistant manger for a gas station and slowly became unable to deal with cutomers. i started calling in sick, leaving early and coming in late. Stan was gone for the better part of a year, and i spent 5 months on bedrest becuase i disloacted my knee. I went through 3 managers at one store, the last one passing away, leaving me to run the store by myself for 4 months, but instead of making me manager of that store, they moved me to a biggger store, where i wasnt very welcome by the staff already there. just over a year after moving to taht store, things were bad at home. in april that year i had cataract lens replacement suregery, and the ight before, wen i was terrified of having a knife in my eye, when i needed love and reassurance what i got was..."lets fuck cuz we wont be able to for 6 weeks". the next setback was our trip to see my daughter graduate. the trip was cut short cuz his mother wanted to stop and see some dog, that we didnt even do. while we were on this trip my feet swelled to 3 times their normal size and i could barely walk. i went to the doctor and my blood pressure was sky high. a week later, my potaassium bottomed out and they had to hve stan come get from work and take me to the hospital. we thought i was having a heart attack and i was terrified adn crying, afraid i was going to die. His response was, shut up and quit acting like a baby. 2 weeks later i started dating a coworker, and got my first tattoo. then the beginning of october my best friends husband was in a serious accident and she needed help so i started staying wit her. made seeing the bf easie, but i also started drinking again. by december, we had tried marriage counseling and i was living with my friend. in feb she got a house so i took over her lease on the apartment. come the end of  march i had surgery on the other eye and we all thought it best if i moved back to stans while i recovered. By this time i had also changed stores agin, and pretty much ran the store. while recovering from surgery, we all talked and decided i would move back and stay with stan, but i slept on the couch instead of with him. Then in april I met seth, who became my Master. I started making excuses for staying with friends just to spend time with him.
then came mothers day weekend. we had made plans for me to camp out with seth for the weekend. in a major misunderstanding stan said if i left i could never come home again. well i took it to mean that if i went on the camping trip i could never go back, and i was already on the trip. Seth and i spent a month living in a hotel and my car until someone found out we were living in my car. i had also lost my job by then. we ended up enrolling in school. the first week of school i had surgery on my arm, and wanted stan there, but he wouldnt take the time, so i had seth and my boys there. the boys started coming down and spending weekends wit me, erin more than will, but i made it through the semester barely, and was becoming more and more agorophobic. by december, i barely left the house. then in january seth and i had to mov out. we stayed with a friend for 2 weeks until he told me if i didnt fuck him then seth and i had to get out. we had 2 hours to do so. we went back to where we were for a few days then another friend found us a place to live. during this time, stans grandma had a stroke and they sent her home to die. erin said he couldnt live in teh same house she died in so he ended up living with us. well things were sort of smooth seth went to school and i studied online. then things went horribly wrong and eth and i were out on teh streets again. we spent most of the month of june in a hotel, and part of july at friends, a hotel and sleeping in the car. then we found the house i live in ow, when we moved in it had no walls or ceilings, and most of the floors were gone. we were supposed to get supplies to do the repairs on the house, but it never came. we spent from july until march living in the kitchen because it was the only complete room. I got on disability by then and we got thigs like a washer adn dryer and stuff like that . when we finally started getting supplies, we were able to move into the main part of the house. we had floors but still no walls or ceilings. we made do with sheets dividing the rooms and plastic on the ceiling.i got us on a program tha gor us a new refridgerator and an air conditioner. things were still fairly smooth except erin wouldnt go to school. we finally got him enrolled in home school and seth kept going to college and i bevame homebound. i was hospitalized on a suicide watch while they figured out my meds and i had a hysterectomy because of masses in my terus. theni messed up my knee. i spent most of 2010 on bed rest for one reason or another. then mom guilted me to make a trip to arizona for thanksgiving. the week before our trip, seth brought another girl nto our home, screwed her on my sons bed, and she told me she was going to have his baby for him since i couldnt. i let it go until after our trip. then i told hem he had to let her go. i thought things were going ok. he found a friend to help us start getting the ceilngs up. he had a fiend who had pneumonia and was sleeping in a car. i said no way and moved him in with hus. by now we were starting to get supplies and the work was getiing done. then the first weekend in feb, we had company and we were waiting on seth who never came home. the next night, while i was asleep, he came in, grabbed his stuff and moved out on me. Zack kept on working on the house until i sent him to ohio the end of april. seths leaving brought out a new symptom, cutting. first it wwas just my arm, then it progressed to carving names in my legs. Now Erin and Will are mad at me, Erin refuses to talk tome, seth doesnt want me, but keeps messing in my life, and i now have a Mistress to take care of me while im training another sub and prtecting still another one from seth.
and so ends the story of the last 20 years since daddy died. i started a memorial page for him in rememberance of the 20 years. ive rekindled old friendships and made some new ones. I learned to let go of things, and now if i can just fix my relationshup with my son, then my life will be complete.
I love You Da, and i know ive ket you down, but im trying to fix things, and i know you have my back and are there to keep me alive. I hear you telling me it isnt time yet, so i keep on keeping one. And you were almost right daddy...duct tape really does fix everything...except a broken heart.

with all my love
your firstest baby girl
Rusti

If I had known 15 years ago what I know now, I never would have taken her up onn that offer. I never would left the only place i call home, the desert and the mountainsi love so much, heat and all.
    Well come the first of July we pack everything we own into a ryder truck and the van, say our goodbyes and hit the road for california. Boy if i had know what i was getting tinto it never would have happened. We got here july 3rd. July 5th Stan goes back to work for dominoes, and 3 days later the brakes go out on the van, stan has no way to work....so now waht do we do. were leaving in a trailer in his sisters backyard, in a house that even hoarders would be afraid to touch. low and behold the tow compnay his brother-in-law works for quits on them....so instant job Stan becomes a tow truck driver. Now I've been listening in horror to his sister tell tales about tow truck drivers and the groupies. I already caught him cheating once, i dont trust him at all and I'm hearing all these stories. My jealousy goes into overdrive. i buy a scanner so i can keep track of him. Meanwhile life isnt so peachy, His sister and i dont get along, i try to clean her house and it ends up with us being homelss in a hotel while we try to find a place to live. tomaake matters worse, 2 days after he starts driving for thee tow company, we lose all our money, food stamps his drivers license and pager for work. So his mom finds us an aprtm,ent in a drug hood but for the moment it better then nothing. Drugs getting sold out in the open a shootout over my sons head, i say enough is enough and talk to the media....wrong move....next thing i know i have cps at my door. the boys go to a neightbors for the night ans stan and i stay up all cleaning the house. the boys ocme home ...all is good. Nope, next thing my inkow someone throws a molotovie coktail in our van....we now have no transportation except the tow truck, life is great fun with a 2 year old and 4 year old in the cab of a tow truck. THen to make matters worse, i have a broken arm, the flu, the neighbors apartment flooded into the boys bedroom, i have laundry everywhere, erin decides to potty train and leaves a dirty diaper on the bathroom floor, we have a kitten who is litter box trained that goes behind our corner unti aand speakers to take a dump, and no one has ever moved the stove to clean under....so what happens.....here comes cps again...this time theyre looking for drugs and guns. guns we have, locked up safe and tight in the guncabinet with the ammo locked in a seperate drawer...but not drugs....they find a dirty house with the abovementioned items and even though my arm is in a cast and they can see im doing launry, the kids are well fed and taken care, they take the kids for a week, we have to go to court and i have cps up in my house once a week to make sure it stays sterile. judge orders mental health eval for me but cps never follows through with it.along come march and some moron decides to shoot at a dog that is in front of a bedroom that some kids are sleeping in....thats it, ive haad enough were moving. This is after the boys and i get back from spending a lovely week in arizona with my mother. we getlucky and find a townhouse in a quiet area. the landlord happens to keep a police scanner and wehn she heard that the rport on the scanner wa where we were living, she moved us in right away. we had a car now, dad had bought us one when they came to vosit for thanksgiving in the mudst of all the drama. so where moving everything with a little 2 door sedan and the tow truck as quickly as we can. the last day we are there, the health deparment comes in to ur aprtment and condemns the complex...what a laugh...and it was actually because of us because cps called the health department.
    we get all settled in and cps stops coming around as much. but with the other aprtments being condemned we let a coupl  and their children stay with cuz we couldnt see the kids on the street, DISASTER#1. neither did anything, didnt help with the bills or food but went out to eat and not taking us, wouldnt get a job...so boom stan says out you go. here comes july again. 2 years 4 moves later and im seriously regretting coming to california. and my mental status is going from bad to worse. Mom comes and takes me and the boys to see robin and bobi and robin and i make peace at long last and had a really great time. My big heart, and dumb brain, DISASTER#2 here comes barts sister,and her 2 kids. She at least cleaned. But she also liked tow truck drivers. Soon enough her husband joins us and he at least got a job. Halloween rolls around and they up and disappear...poof. Things settle into a somewhat normal routine and are going along peacefully...when I get a cancer scare and decide that WE are going to quit smoking. No problem for Stan...me, theres a problem it lasts about a month then im sneaking smokes in the bathroom. I finally tell Stan and decide than 1201 January 1. 1999 im through, quit, done. The house is amazingly clean. Things are going along and here comes January 15th...the start of the further descent into hell. Im watching Erakas girls so she can ride with allen and spend some time with him. the phone rings and i answer it the rest of the night goes something like this...."Is this Laura McAllister...Yes, it is...The is the Fresno Police Department. I'm sorry to tell you but your husband has been in a serious accident and is on the way to the hospital with serious injuries." Click I yell everyone get your coats on now a i run next door and beg them for a cigarette. I get the kids all loaded up and haul ass to the hospital. I leave them in the car and run in, but hes not there...ok, so somehow i beat the ambulance . i go back out tot he car and wait for the ambulance to get there...schreech...heres one of the tow drivers, he jumps out bawling like a baby, im so sorry im so sorry....my panic level is rising...where in the hell is he? they took him to a different trauma center and im supposed to go back to the aprtment and wait for eraka to come get the kids and allen will take me to the hospital...i beg a couple of cigs from him and haul ass back to the house....im pacing, calling my mom and his mom and trying not to freak out the kids. eraka gets there, takes all the kids and i snag a couple of cigs from her. Allen drives a big flatbed you can hear coming a mile away, im in the cb damn near before he get it stopped. i grab his cigs and asks what hes hes waiting for. he hits is lights, runs every red light to the freeway and makes it just under 10 miles in a little over 5 minutes. im out of the truck before he has it stopped. i get in and after a couple minutes of lost looks and me in neaar hyesteria, they figure out he is in xray and take me to his room.. They let allen back and we both pace. allen fills me in on what happened as far as he knew...Stan had his truck parked facing into traffic was standing beside the truck, trying to lift his floor jack down when this car comes barrelling down the street hits stan in the side, rolls him between the car and the truck and tosses him under the back of the truck. A passerby stops gets in the truck on the radio and starts yelling for help. Well here comes stan out of xray, hapy because they had finally taken the c collar and back board off, but they have cut his clothes off his lower body is a solid mass of bruises, the worst of which i had yet to see, his ankle is HUGE and turned wrong and theres blood everywhere. He has a huge bandage on his side. We finally get xrays back and he has a spiral fracture of his right ankle. they move us to another room so they can put a splint on him. meanwhile here come all the drivers one or 2 at a time trying to keep my spirits up...alllen and i smoked a pack of cigs between the 2 of us in about 4 hours...doc loads stan up on pain killers, puts some staples in his side, splints his ankle, gives us crutches and finally sends us on our merry way. Now comes the funny...well not so funny then but it is now..part. Stan, who is not a little man, in the middle of january, in 2 hospital gowns, stoned out of his head on crutches, trying to climb up into the high ass cab of the tow truck...why no one thought to get a car i dont remember but we finally get him in the truck me in the truck and a much slower ride back home with me alternately crying and laughing, cuz the best part is yet to come...we have to get him OUT of the truck and into the apartment, thank God we had a town house....well allen manages to step on stans foot trying to help him in the house, at which point allen starts crying...we finally get him in the house, where he stumbles across the living room does a face plant on the couch and doesnt move. Allen gives me a pack of cigs and finally leaves. i get some blankets, get stan covered up, make a bunch of calls and then i collapse in the recliner...the next thing i remember is stan screaming cuz he has to go to the bathroom and keeps falling off the crutches...i go get the office chair from the kitchen and roll him to the bathroom, where even more fun is him rtying to stand and pee. one hand on the wal and one on a crutch. And thus beggins 8 months of hell and torture/
    I manage to get him out to the car annd back to the hospital for follow up where while checking over his xrays to decide what theyre going to do about his ankle, we find out hes fractured his pelvis...no more crutches its wheelchar time. They decide to do surgery in a couple of days outpatient so he can go home that night. Well we figure out my car isnt goinng to work cuz its a 2 door and very small. We arrange for another car to pick him up and get him home, another hialrious comedy of errors due to his drugged condition. i get him in the recliner with a urinal and i colapse on the couch. Well we sort of settle into a routine using the office chair and a crutch and him in the chair andme on the couch. and the beginning of child terrorism. the boys quickly realized that especially if mommy wasnt home they could get away with anything cause all they had to do was run up the satairs and daddy couldnt. I had moved our matress downstairs because he couldnt get up teh stairs and i couldnt sleep when he wasnt next to me. Then he got an infection and i had to give him iv antibiotics at home, which was fun because i had get up every 3 hours to give it tohim. that lasted about 2 weeks. slowly he started getting better, but had pain in his thighs that nobody could figure out. Finally they stuck a needle in and sucked out a bunch of liquified fat and blood. The accident left him with misshappen thighs and and hal a butt cheek missing due to the fat being squished. Having him around 24/7 started to get old real fast and we would fight...alot...so i started going out usually with eraka to drink and sing karoke. It got to be a routine. Then came Easter, Start of DISASTER#3...i get a phone call from mom telling me her and dad would by the next afternoon on their way to seattle, bobbis house had burned to the ground. Fortunately no one was hurt. My boys bless their hearets went through their room and made a box of toys for the kids and i got up early and hit the store and made up new Easter baskets for them. I was still doing all the driving and we drove out to the truck stop to meet them. It was a quick meal and they were on their way...here comes June again...by now im really hating march april and june.. i get a call from bobbi, shes pregnant and wants to come live with me....alarm bells ringing in my head...but i say go ahead. so now we have bobbi and her 3 kids living with us. we get her an apartment a couple of doors down that whole mess ended in disaster, now im starting to hate halloween too. Bobbi picks the kids up from school and disappears...were calling all the hospitals, the police everything cuz shes a very high risk pregnancy...nothing...vanished from the face of the earth. Phone rings aat 2 in the morning..mom...seems bobbi just showed up on her front door...she didnt like Californias rules for getting foodstamps and stuff and decided to go live with mom...dad comes out and we pack up her place and its goodbye and good riddance...no more helping anyone out.
    By this its decided that Stan willnever be able to drive a tow truck again so once again were back on disability payments andhes back in school. we get a bike for him to ride cuz now I have to go to work. I start working for Uahul..and things just seem to move along, Hes doing great in school, graduates and starts teaching at the same school...imove to a new job in uhaul....we muddle along take a trip ti arizona to see my brother get married...plan our 10 year anniveraary renewal of our vows, by now im in my third spot at uhaul and hes working for a technical temp company picking up whatever jobs he can. Robin and the girls come down for the wedding and mom and dad come out...we just keep muddling along...then comes October...uhal starts cutting my hours, so i pick up aprt time work at the corner gas station. this works well for a month then i finsihed my shift at uhaul run home change and am about to walk out the door to go to the gas sation when i get a call asking me to go work at a different uhaul that night. when i tell him i cant he gets mad and hangsup on me..3 days later i get fired from uhaul...no biggie, gas station wants to give me more hours anyway....which was good because i liked the job better, was closer to the kids and just generally more convienent. here comes superbowl sunday...4 in the afternoon, all is quiet everyones at home watching the game...parking lot full of people getting gas, and i get a gun stuck in my face..well back when i had the cancer scare and started getting weird stan got me into mental health and told them to medicate me or keep me...so im under doctors care, already haiving problems with nightmares and anxiety after the events of 9-11 and i get robbed at gunpoint for 53 dollars...
    As i look back at it now 7 years later, i can see that that was a pivotal point in my mental status.

i sit here thinking about time passing and i know why im having such a haard time right now. its been 20 years since i last told my Da i loved him, and almost 20 years since i put him in the hot desert soil. i can remember the events of that awful day so clearly, every anguishign moment, up until mich got me drunk and i passed out at her house. i was with the kids at the pol in the hot florida sun on the 10th of june 1991, when i told the kids we have to go back to the house right now. i walked in, picked up the pjhone and checked my voice mail. one message from a number i didnt recognize. but the voice i did. My aunt kris, and i knew without even completely hearing the message that i needed to call home immediately why she had called. so i called her back, and when she answered it wasnt what happened, it was what time did he die. and at the time she told me, i had been drinking a toast to him with my friends. she told me a plane ticket was already paid for and what time i had to be at the airport. i called rawn, still calm and told him i needed to get tot he airport, i held it together until i saw him, then i lost it. i cried all the way to the airport. then i got on that little plane and was so terrified i almost broke my hand onthe arm rest. and it was so cold,i was carrying a teddy bear, the kids wanted me to have osmething to hug on the way home. i stepped out from that cold plane that had put snow on my teddy bear into the hot orlando sun, walked across the tarmac to the terminal, as if in a trance, found my way to the gate and waited for the next leg of my journey into hell. i barely remember eating ont hat long flight to dallas, where i had to rush to make my connection to the hot el paso desert that was home.
     i got off the plan in el paso, and started crying again, no one was there to meet me. crying i headed for the bagagge claim area when i saw her. i dropped everything and ran across the lobby crying and yelling screamerm screamer...she snatched me up and swung me around and we both cried. we got my bags, loaded them in her truck and headed to the hospital so she could finish her work, an hour later we were in Dallas with a bud longneck in our hands, there was just an hour til closing, but when everyone heard why i was back, the drinks kept coming, and i got so drunk, i dont remember leaving. i woke up the next monring on Michs couch. After a quick breakfast we loaded my bags back in her truck and she droveme..straight into the mouth of hell.
    As i got out of the truck i saw a staion wagon parked in front of the house and was told if i wanted anything of his to get it out of the car before it went to goodwill. the house had been completly stripped of his presence in less then 24 hours, they had even gotten his hospital bed picked up. the room he ha called home for the last few years was naked, cold, empty excetp for the filing cabinet and his cedar box of letters on the shlef above the door.I walked in the house and before i got 2 feet in i was met with "You are not welcome here. You can stay until after the funeral but then you have to leave. this sint your home anymore and nobody wants you here." Stunned, i just stood there tel mich pusshed past me and went off. slowly i sank onto the couch and hung my head and cried. i asked if i still had time to go to the hospital to say goodbye. my heart was in my throat when mom told me noe, he had alreday been sent to the crematorium. i vaguely remember screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" and then michs arms around me. i dont remember much more fter that, just that night me, robin bart and brett ended up at roses, the bar bobbi worked at. i remember sitting at the bar having a drink when the best thing i had seen since coming back walked right past me. i stood up and called out his name. Beau stopped dead in his tracks turned around looked at me started to ask if he knew me, then a smile lit up his face and he picked me up and hugged me so tight i couldnt breathe. He was there with a friend, but he spent the rest of the night glued to my side. we left together and i dont recall much after that, just lots of love and tears.
    I dont recalll too much of the next couple of days as arrangements were made and i tried to saty out of everyones path while loving on my baby girls as much as possible. Thursday was the memorial service at the church. sam wasnt there, because everyone felt that daddy would have wanted him to complete his hike of the grand canyon. I remember Kriss was there alot, so was fzt Debbie sticking her nose into everything and trying to tell me what to do. I was asked not to sit wit the family at the church so i sat 2 rows back, alone. bobbi was tld to sit in the back because she was in jeans and and a tank top. but my 2 best friend mich and judy were seated with the family. i couldnt help but laugh. earlier that day we had layed the tape with the songs daddy wanted on it, and oddly enough, there was nothing there, so we recorded them again, lisstened to the tape and they were there. when it came time to play the tape at church, the tape was blank again. alot of people stood up and said beautiful things about daddy, and i know i did too, but i cant ell you what i said. i remember kris most of all, saying she had lost the second love of her life,
    The rest of that day was a blur  and we all ended up at roses that night drinking toast after taost to Da. i remember walking inthe house that ight and robin going off on me and I lost it i called her and mom every name in the book and then some.the rest of that week is a blur to me. i remember going to the county clerks office with beaus friend kieth and getting a marriage license. I remember a sunny afternoon sitting outside smoking a cigarette because smoking was allowed int he house anymore. A car pulled up and 2 very handsome young men looking almost like twins got out. it took a second to realize it wasmy brother. he looked so grown up and handsome.he picked meup and hugged me it seemed like forever and the tears started again. i remember getting yelled at for crying infront of my baby girls. I know mom took me shopping for shoes to wear adn clothes because i didnt have anyting white to wear and daddy wanted white and bright.
    Monday morning dawned bright and sunny, it was a june day after all, and bound to be a hot day.we piled into the cars and followed the hears to the cemetary, as once again i wasnt allowed to sit with the family. But to my surprise, i wasnt alone, Beau and Keith showed up in full dress uniform, and with one on each side of me, we stood as the flag was folded. i know i heard Daddy laughing as the newbie had trouble folding the flag. it had been agreed that the flag was presented to my brother. he looked so adult and handsome in his suit and tie, with John standing next tohim still loking like twins.. I held it together through "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes was played. Then came the 21 gun salute. I jumped as the first round of 7 went off, beau and keith each grabbed a hold of me as i lost it with the second volley of 7. Then cam the most haunting sound and to this day i cry when the third volley went off. The silence that followed was broken by kris crying and my tears flowed in silence. Beau and Keith held onto me and walked me back to the car so i could make that onely drive back to what was no longer my home. The rest of the daypassed ina blur and i remember BEau and keith picking me up as everyone somehow ended up bvack at roses. The guys played pool and i sat at teh bar and drank. I remember talking to brett about our siblings. We agreed that we didnt like each otheres siblings, but we put up with them because he loved bart and i loved robin.
     The next few day spassed in a blur as bobbi and i got an aprtment together and keith and i made plans to get married. Then one afternoon he didnt come home and i got a called saying he had gotten married that day to  oneof my friends. Fast forward to August. By this time i had found a job as a bartender in a place called the Texas Bar. I had just broken up with Sparky, with whom i had been dating long distanc for over a year. he was in special forces and first in the war. That night was my first night working alone and the cash register jammed so i was making change out of my size ten painted on white jeans. Mich was there with her boyfriend jeff, but we all called him bubba. they were playing pool. the bar was about half full, the jukebox was playing some loud country, when this man , the first man i had ever seen that mde BDU's look sexy, dirty and covered with desert dust in a sweat soaked tshirt and BDU's aske for a beer. I thought he was cute but not really my type, he wasnt a blue eyed blonde cowboy type, but cute all the same. he was shocked that he had to pa for his beer. i didnt know he kept a tab, i was still learning all of this. He kept hanging around the bar staring at me, and after about 4 beers he looked at me and said "im taking you home with me". Well, i just looked at him, put my hands on my hips and said "Sorry love, but i i don't date whats on that side of the bar." he says i ll make a bet with you, any bet you want hat ill get you home wiht me. HE had been watching bubba and mich playing pool and i said fine. "Heres the deal. You play a game of pool with my friend bubba. If he wins i get you as a slave for 24 hours." He asked what would happen if he won. I said hed ge me as a slave for one night. Well, bubba won the game, and here it is 20 years later and we are still married. He didnt make a very good slave but he was a damned good lover. Fast forward to october. He as more or less living with me and bobbi, who was no longer with don after don damned near beat her to death, bu tthats another story. Bobbi, Toni and i had a bad case of pink eye that scarred our eyes. Stan was leaving for a thirty day tdy run to 29 palms in california. The night before we got him all trimmed and packed. we went to bed early cuz i was off that night. 4 am rolls around and we get up ot get him off to his trip. Guess who had gotten pink eye? Well a week goes bye and Shari calls me at teh bar and asks if I had heard from him. I was puzzled because he couldnt call me. I didnt understand why she would ask me that, so i just shrugged my shoulders and went bak to work.about half anhour later im facing the register when i hear a request for a beer. i stopped dead for a second shook it off and turned around. for about 30 seconds i just stood there staring.....the love of my life ws standing in the bar 3 weeks early. i ran around the bar and jumped on him. He had a patch over his eye. the pink had gotten worse while he was in the field and they sent him to thehospital. the medication the gave him he was apparently allergic to and his eye started bleeding. they kept him in isolation for a couple of days then sent him home. well, the didnt waant him in the barracks, and since he was married (thats another story too), he had off base housing privelges. He lived with his friend Shari, but she had kids and she didnt want him either, so he stayed with me, and more or less, that was when we started living together for good.I dont recall alot of that ime frame, because when i wasnt working in the bar, i was drinking in a bar, usually at dallas with mich or texas with mich and stan.. There was another bar but i cant recall the aname that we partied at too with bobbi and a bunch of other friends. One night i went out by myself. i ended up calling stan to come at get me froma 7-11. i dont remember too much other than him threatening to throw me out the window because i refused to giv him his car keys so he could leave. he left anyway and then shari showed up wanting his things and i told her no. if he wanted his tuff, he had to come and get them himself. I know there was a lot more to the sory but i dont rmember it because i was staying drunk unless i was working. Well we eventually worked things out. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. He came with to thanksgiving at moms, who was now living with Russ in Horizon city in a nice condo and had lots of nice things. November 29, that was the day Russ became Dad. Stan went to the wedding with me, then i had to go to work. Fast forward to middle of december. kris lost the third love of her life when he had a heart attack in the bathroom and fell onto a spot heater. Stan didnt go with me to that service but mich did. It was a joyous party filled with lots of music dancing and drinking, a cajun wake. Fast forward to Christmas. By this time, Stan and i had moved into a one bedroom and wer officially a coupld living together.His parents came out from california the week after Christmas. I dont remember alot of it exept him taking me in the closet cuz he didnt want them to hear us. The day they left, I made a solitary trip downtown. I hadnat had a period since before moms wedding. I went to planned paernt, got the joyous news that i was now in a family wayu. i took the test strip home, left it with a note on the table and went to work. Stan always came home from work and made me dinner and brought it to the bar. that night there was no dinner just a confuse man.
    Well, there was no getting around telling mom, i was already showing. We had quite a predicamewnt on our hands. I didnt want to get married, not that we could because he was still married and she was in Korea. Well he and mom got together and i was basically told, plan a wedding. Mom paid for him to get a divorce and we made wedding plans . He decided we would get married in june, on his birthday so he could remember our anniversary. By this time he hda gotten out of the service, and was working 2 jobs and raking in the money. I was a high risk pregnancy so care was taken that i was never left alone. Thomas psent many a night withme while stan was at work. I was no longer working they decided it wasnt safe for me to keep working in the bar while i was pregnant. The night before we got married mich took me to see male strippers, which would have been a lot more fun if i could have had a drink. But i ended up calling him and crying. I hated that part of being pregnant, i cried alot for stupid things. Everyone made sure we didnt ee eachother until right before the ceremony. Well, I had stayed at michs and as i was driving int he hot june sun towards teh place we were getting married in, i gave serious thoughts to keep on driving. But i didnt. We got married, shoved cake in each others faces then went to the Sundowner club to celebrate. He was totally wasted. he was tipsy already when he said i do, and prcede to get totally bombed at the club. THat was the one and only time i ever got him to dance with me. I spent my wedding night crying myself to sleep because he had passed out. At some point in this time frame he was at the bar and i felt really bad, i had a hard time with my asthma wheni was pregnant. I called him to come home cuz i wanted o go to the ospital. We had a figt on the phone but e fially came home. But instead of going to the hospital, he raped me and sodomized me slamming me into thew front door of ou apartment. He eventually passed out and i fell asleep crying on the couch. Next morning he got up and went to work as if nothing had happened. We moved sometime that summer into a new 2 bedroom apartment. In the middle of august, I tld my doctor tht the baby had stopped moving verymuch. 2 weeks later i told her this again and the did an ultrasound and found his cord was wrapped around his neck. Well finally she decided it was time for him to be born. August 31st she induced labor. in the wee hours of september first they gave me an epidural because i was have trouble breathing and vomiting from the pain. by noon he was in distress and was showing no signs of coming so the gave me anoher epidural in preparation for a c sectiojn. i was crying because i was scared og them cutting me open. well i guess my fear triggered a reaction from him because he decided he was coming. I told mom that i needed to go to teh bathroom so she called a nurse. the nurse yelled, not bathroom delivery room bay is crowning. So they rush me to a delivery room, but i had no feeling from the waist down and couldnt move myself to the delivery bed. the doc is yelling she isnt delivering this baby on a labor bed, stans trying to move me, wills on his way out im crying and screaming, and finally the get me on the delvery bed, and out pops will. Well not only was his cor wrapped around his neck, it had a knot in it as big as a silver dollar and so tight they couldnt untie it. Stan was pissed and almost decked the doc. But he was healthy and fine so no problems 2 days later we say goodbyt to the hospital and will getshis first trip to a bar. hten the bowling alley. i freaked out wehn we walked into to bowlng alley and these people i didnt even know take my baby away from and take him to the nursery.Stan bowled and i sat an watched as he got drunk from a baby bottle full of booze. i end up driving us home and we get settled into a routine. will slept all day while stan was wt work but as soon as daddy was home he was up and raring to go. 2 weeks later i had stopped bleeding and life was grand, condoms sucked but we had to wait 6 weeks so i could get norplants. well we were babysitting toni over night and she had a nightmare, and woke up screaming. i jumped and twisted and felt somethign strange, i started gushing blood. Well we get mom to take toni and will and we run off to the hospital where they leave me sitting in the waiting room in a wheelchair and im embarassed becasue im bleeding all over the floor. Stan says in his best agressive voice"Dont worry about.theyll get someon to clean up the blood. I dont remember too much of that day . they got a hold of my doc on thephone. she told them to give me some mediine and sen me home. well we were at thomasa house working on his car and i kept on bleeding big clots and having to chang pads like every fifteen minutes. 4 hours later, im white and dizyy and passing out so we run back to thehospital where mom meets us and takes will. they get the doctor in and she decides i need a d&c. I have no memory of this at all. I know i was close toneeding a transfusion because i had lost so much blood. Apparently i clotted off and when i jumped and twisted i tore the clot loose. i think i went home that night but im not sure. i know that where stan worked they told im to take the time off to take care of me and the baby cuz i couldnt walk without trying to pass out. During this week, mom yelled at me that i was going to cost stan is job if i didnt let him get back to work. I have no memories of this time, just what people have told me. and apparently stan told my mom to sht the fuck up and either come take care of me like she did bobbi or stay out of our life.backing up a just a little. the middle of august, dad shows up at our apartment alone and tells me mom is on a lane to seattle. at first i thought something was wrong with robin because she was due to have a baby at the same time but theni remembered robin was in california. well turned out Grandpa had passed away. I dont know what it was but with every one of my pregnancies i lost someone i loved. with bev it was my dog, with jamie my great aunt, and now grandpa. well august 17th robin  had molly as we called her then, but her name is meagan maureen.. So back to me. Stans mom came and stayed with us for a couple of weeks. And his cousin had married someone in the army and they got stationed at the same base. She had epilepsy so we watched out for her. Sometime in the middle of all of this i had norplant conrtraceptives put in my arm, and then i had surgery on my sinuses and nose. I started getting very moody and agressive. I couldnt stand to have stan touch and was literally beating him up at night. 6 months later the norplants came out because everytihing i was going through was a side effect of the norplants. That december, stan tore up his wrist at work, he was out on disability and workers comp for a long time. he tried to go back to work but they told him in 6 months they would be putting a steel rod in his wrist if he did, so he opted for retraining. fast forward again. Stans going to college getting paid for going to school and guess what, we end up with another baby on the, and another move. DUring this time, Im havign a very difficult pregnancy. Stan got a migraine headache and i had to take him to the hospital because he was slurring his speech and acting goofy. They had this new mediciine called otradol. Kills the headache with the narcotic side effects. BOy was that great, the headache was gone an dhe was clearheaded. Next day he started complainin his back hurt. over the nest 2 days it got worse and worse. I caled sam to come sit with will cuz stan was going to the hospital if i had to call an ambulance. i ahd to drive sams car because we erein the middle of putting a water pump in my car. well stan cznt stand up straight and can barely walk. they think its appendicitis so they start getting him ready for surgery when a doctor hit him jus above the kidney and stan damn near hit the doctor. his kidneys were shutting dow....allergic reaction to the wonder drug toradol. His parents are already on their way because of the surgery we thought was going to happen. They get in about 10 oclock and the nurses were kind enough to bring stan to the elevators so he could see his mom. That was the second time i almost lost him.so I had his parents in our small 2 bedroom house, with 2 rabbits and me very pregnznt, moody and terrified im about to be a widow at 28. Well they get him better, his parents go home, and guess what we have to move....again. this time we move to Chaparral into a nice 3 bed room trailer. Wel the 12th of septmeber im in the hospital for an asthma attack and the flu. i go home on thenight of the 13th but i start puking in the parkinglot. we decide ill bbe fine and go home. around 6 am the 14th, im puking, and my water breaks....were rushing back to the hospital having mom meet us there to take will. htey get me set up start the iv, get the epidural in and we wait...and we wait....qand we wait....contractions but i m not dialting like i should be, well aabout 7  mom notices that my iv isnt going into my arm, its going into the bed. so we get that fixed and about 3 am erin decides hes ready...he come as along abou 330 on the 15th of september. well stan has decided this is it there aint no more and since it wasnt gonn cost us i was getting cut. so at 9 am im in surgery have my tubes cut ited and burned, no accidents happening this time.
Grandma adn Stans aunt someout to visit for a week or so and life is progressin well. My lawyer for an accident that had happend in 89 finally settles my case, and we go spending money. Hes still going to school and life is good....more or less...during this time he has gone to VA and they start treating him for depression and PTSD from the war, as well as what they laughingly refer to as Gulf War Syndrome....not really a disease, just a whole bunch of symptoms they have no idea what are or why he has them, and they are passed onto the the boys. about this time things start getting rough. bobbihas twins 28 days after erin is born and theyre in the hospital for a little while. comt eh end of october, erin is throwing up everythin he eats, losing weight and just ot doing good. they make me stop breast feeding thinks he was allergic to the antibiotics i was taking. so im giving him his dose of tylenol when i have to puke. i come back and fin will has swallowed almost 3/4 of a brand new bottle....ok freak out time...panic time....stans driving for dominoes....moms in horizon city and i have to ge will to the hosital and do something with erin. so i rush to bobbies house, drop erin off with kim and haul ass to the hospital. they have to pump his stomach, but wont let me be with him while they do it, but they let mom go in and hold him. stan comes flying and and pissed cuz they wont let him in either. Finally they put will in a room and stan decides i need to go home and feed erin so hell stay with will. i head for home, get some sleep and meet mom at the the hospital and she takes erin for the night so i can send stan home to get some sleep. the next day they let him come. then the next thing you know im back in the emergency room because erin is still throwing up everything we give him, so he is admitted, and mom has will, and stans at work, im sleeping at teh hospital. they finally figure out erins allergic to milk get him on a soy formula and he starts getting better, but then tehy notice a peculiar thing, hes a preemie. he was born about 6 weeks early which was part of the problem. he just isnt right so now were going to neurologists and all kinds of sppecialists and they tell me is called floppy bay syndrome, a side effect of his being premature and we could expect him to have problems later in life. fortunately the only problem he has is a tremble in his hands.. In the midst of all of this weve had his cousin have a baby, Aunt kris committed suicide my Aunt rieta died from brain cancer, and stan reacts badlt to the prozac getting vilent and moody. Hes also drinking alot and his mom tells me to leave him.
    fast forward a couple of yearswere spending alot of time at bobbis house taking care of the twins and toni because bobbis coking out with her friends adn we dont want the kids getting neglected. one night, Beau, Tom, Thomas, Julie and Bobbi took stan out drinking. i stay with all the kids. they get back and beaus too drunk to drive so they aaask me to drive him home. on the way he asks if i wanna go have fun with him....and boy i was tempted cause that man knows how to please a woman....but nooo, ive got my man waiting at home for....but if i had known what i was going to find when i got back there, i wouldnt have thought twice....i walk back in the house and its quiet so i figure theyre in her room playing on the computer.... i open her door and thyre in there alright, but theyre in here bed...i slowly close the door walk in the living room lay down on the floor and cry myself to sleep....we move back into el paso into a tiny 2 bedroom aprtment. i ndont tell any one of what happened but i get my revenge a couple of months later with someone whos name i shallleave out. but silly me gets the guilts and tells stan about it and why....bout tis time fathers day stans burthday rolls around....were at moms house and she knows theres trouble...so she offers to pay for us to move to california so he can be closer to his family and maybe things would be better
    If i had known 13 years ago what i know now, i never would have taken her up on that offer
  

He calims to be a humiliation Master...well im here to tell hes one alright. it wasnt bad enough that he brought another woman in our house and screwed her in my sons bed, or that she told me she was going to have his baby since i cant...oh no...it got better...he packed and moved out while i was asleeep, and didnt even have the balls to say goodbye, taking games that had been bought for my son along the wat...or even that a 24 year old man put my 16 year ols son in a chokehold....it got even better....he told people on a website that i abused him..nope, he still had to take it one step further and call child protective services on me and try to get my son taken away from me...and then had the nerve to look me in the eye and tell me he still loves me but couldnt trust me because i changed his status messages on a couple of his websites. at least i didnt follow his move and totally delete the pages like he did his ex wife's. All of this after i supported him finacnially with the help of my exhusband for 3 years while he went to college and had kept several onlne girlfriends while he slept in my bed. i kept a roof over his head, and food in his stomach and clothes on his back and shoes on his feet, and a phone so he coould keep intouch with his girlfriends and a computer so he could show off his cock everytime he went into the bathroom with the computer. Call me stupid. i feel so worthless and useless right now that the only reason im havent slit my wrists is because i dont want my son to find me. he managed to destroy me completely. i hope it made him feel like a mand to destroy me completely.

Ive become agorophobic tpo the point i dont even walk out my front door. Im in really bad shape. On top of it all, i broke m knee galling over my cst an d my facre with the bathroom wall. If you still love me, please send me some yarn, bedrest is getting old real fast. yahoo me for my snailmail address,,,or rven just send me a card. I was hospitalized for suicide watxh in may....am lost and lonely

I love all my friends and family. Due to a serious domestic issue, (I am separating after 16 years) I won't be on very often. Please send me love and support ar beaussong@yahoo.com. I can get these emails on my cell phone. You can also text me at 5597904123.
My dear family and friends, Due to some serious personal and domestic issues, I will not be on as often as I used to be, mainly because I won't be where my computer is. I can access my yahoo email from my phone, so please send me love at beaussong@yahoo.com I can also be texted at 5597904123 Tomorrow I will put more details in a blog. I do need love and support, and I know I have great people here who will be there for me. I love and miss you all dearly.
Mothers If you send this to just one person, it should make it all the way around the world by Mother's Day. This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here." Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T. This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it. This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens. This is for all the m others who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words. This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time." This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead. This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot. This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college. This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away. This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. This is for all the step-mothers who raised another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and love... sometimes totally unappreciated! For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14-year-olds dye their hair green. For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely. This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war. What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, a ll at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home? Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying? The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. This is for you all. For all of us. Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray. Please pass along to all the Moms in your life. "Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall." Please pass this to a wonderful mother you know. (I just did.)
I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 6 in the morning as I Check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try and save his life. I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear, the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with. I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a call, Is a this false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What Hazards await me? Is anyone trapped?" Or to call and ask what is wrong with the patient? Is it minor or life threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun? I wish you could be in the emergency room, as a doctor pronounces dead, the beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes, knowing she will never go on her first date or say the words, "I love you Mommy", ever again. I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the ambulance or engine or cruiser, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, "It took you forever to get here!" I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years from the remains of her automobile. What if this was my daughter, sister, my girlfriend or a friend? What were her parent's reaction going to be when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand? I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not come back from the last call. I wish you could know how it feels dispatching officers, firefighters and Paramedics out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers back or to here a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance. I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally and sometimes physically abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of "It will never happen to me". I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain of missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen. I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save a life or preserving someone's property, or being able to be there in time of crisis, or creating order from total chaos. I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking, "Is my Mommy okay?"! , not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having CPR done on him as they take him away in the Medic Unit. You know all along he did not have his seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with. Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to us...I wish you could though. KEEP SENDING THIS ON. APPRECIATE AND SUPPORT THE LOCAL FIREFIGHTERS, EMS PARAMEDICS, 911 DISPATCHERS, and LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS IN YOUR AREA. ONE DAY THEY'LL PROBABLY BE SAVING YOUR LIFE. WHEN YOU SEE THEM COMING WITH LIGHTS FLASHING, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY QUICKLY, and THEN PRAY FOR THEM
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