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kittycelt's blog: "essays"

created on 05/22/2009  |  http://fubar.com/essays/b296378

You really want to know how im feeling? Whats going on in my head? These 3 songs pretty much cover most of it. Read the lyrics then listen to the songs, and maybe, just maybe youll have a little idea of what ive been trying to say.




Angry All The Time
Tim McGraw


here we are
what is left of a husband and a wife
with four good kids
who have a way with getting on with their lives
and im not old but im gettin a whole lot older everyday
its too late to keep from goin crazy
ive got to get away

the reasons that i cant stay
sont have a thing to do with being in love
and i understand that lovin a man
shouldnt have to be so rough
and you aint the only one
who feels like the worlds left you far behind
i dont know why you gotta beangry all the time

our boys are strong now
the spitting image of you when you were young
i hope someday they can see past what youve become
and i remember everytime i said id never leave
but i cant live with the memories of the way you used to be

the reasons that i cant stay
dont have a thing to do with being in love
and i understand loving a man
shouldnt have to be this rough
and you aint the only one who feels
like this worlds left you far behind
i dont know why you gotta be
angry all the time

twenty years
have came and went since i walked outo your door
inever quite made it back to the one i was before
and God it hurts me
to think of you for thelight in your eyes was gone
and sometimes i dont know why
this old world cant leave well enough alone

the reasons  that i cant stay
dont have a thing to do with being in love
and i understand that lovin a man
shouldnt have to be this rough
and you aint the only one who feels
like this worlds left you far behind
i dont know why you gotta be
angry all the time
i dont know why you gotta be
angry all the time
i dont know why you gotta be
angry all the time

I cant Do That Anymore
Faith Hill

cut my hair the way you wanted
watched you become inportant
quit my job to make our new home far away
now your mr successful and im queen of the treadmill
trying to stay the size you think that i should stay
i used to dream about what i would be
last night i dreamed about a washing machine

i keep on going
but i cant stop ;iving
a woman needs a little something of her own
i like happy endings
i dont like depending
i keep right on pretending
but i cant do that anymore

now you say im being silly
but you dont know me really
you never take the time to ask how i feel
i keep the checkbook balanced
i decorate your palace
you know i used to think you were king
somewhere down deep i know you really love me
but you cant see that what we haves not all i needed

i keep on giving
but i cant stop living
a woman needs a little something of her own
i like happy endings
i dont like depending
i keep right on pretending
but i cant do that anymore

you try to tell mme im not being fair to you
but lifes too short for a selfish attitude

i keep on giving
but i cant stop living
a woman needs a little something of her own
i like happy endings
i dont like depending
i keep right on pretending
but i cant do that anymore


It Matters to Me
Faith Hill

baby tell me whered you ever learn
to fight without sayin a word
then waltz back into my life
like its gonna be alright
dont you know how muchit hurts

when we dont talk,
when we dont touch
when it doesnt feel like were even in love
it matters to me

when i dont know what to say
when i dont know what to do
dont know if it really even matters to you
how can i make you see
it matters to me

maybe i still dont understand
the difference between a woman and a man
so tell me how far it is
and how you can love like this
cause im not sure i can

when we dont talk
when we dont touch
when it doesnt feel like were even in love
it matters to me

when i dont know what to say
dont know what to do
dont know it really even matters to you
how can i make you see
it matters to me
it matters to mee

Date: Sep 10, 2009

 

Questions

Current mood:  depressed

Do i want to leave him? No, but i dont have him anyway, so what would it matter? Ill never be more than a possession to him, a pretty little ornament that has no purpose and a warm body next to him at night. Ill never have his heart, he wont give it to me. There will always be an easy way out so why should I want to stay? There is no place for me in this world except in the heart of a 15 year old who shouldn't have to live like he does.
I cant have what i want no matter what, so why should i even bother to try anymore. No matter what i do itll never be good enough and i still end up alone and lonely. The people that should care dont and the ones that do cant fix whats wrong. Im tired of hearing how hes not good enough. No one knows just what he puts up with on a daily basis, or the things he does to tke care of me. No one knows the abuse he puts up with, or the torment. Only i have the right to put him down for what he does. i made the choice to be with him, and i have to decide if it is enough. all i need is for someone to listen to what im saying and try to understand that my world is in utter chaos and i cant fix it. i cant go back and i cant go forward and the present hurts too much to stay in it.
im too tired to really much care anymore what happens to me, as long as my baby is ok. so just worry about what he needs. Wonder if hes hurting, or in need. Be the friend he needs, cuz hes the one who keeps getting hurt. Hes the one who picks up the pieces when i fall apart, and hes the one who keeps me alive. If anyone needs attention and support, its him. Hes the one who has been abandoned by his family, all because he thinks im worth saving. So take care of him.


Current mood:  depressed

My life is hell. Between the mentall problems, the physical problems and the family who doesnt give a damn, i feel totally worthless, useless, left out, forgotten and pretty much like a piece of meat thats been left out too long. Yeah, i made the choice to try and be on myown, but too many people think its all one sided and that i am the only one who has any blame in my life being the way it is. The family who cant stand the truth, the family who takes it out on kids cuz theyre mad at the parent, and the ones who dont want to hear the facts all helped me to be where i am right now.

My one rock, who keeps me going gets left out, ignored and generally just shit on, tried so hard to make up for what others have done. And when help was needed for him, no one was there. Poor baby was stuck at home for 2 weeks and no one in the family even bothered to call and check on him, see if he needed anything or even called to say i love you. But everyone is so fucking perfect and im the one whos rotten. AAt least my kids dont get brought home in cop cars, hang out in bars, or have to wander the streets cuz someone is getting a booty call.

What no one seems to realize or understand is that the choice i made was not made easily. And dont for one minute think im not paying for it. The one who made my world and owns my heart, will never know how much i love and miss him. Dont anyone get me wrong, I do love who im with, but ill never be able to be all he wants and needs. And i will never be able to be all i want and need to be either. I can never get back the time i lost by having to work and not being there for my boys when they needed me, i can never replace the years i lost with my girls cuz ithought they were in a better place, and i can never replace the time that i gave up because i was too sick to understand all i was doing.

Everyone thinks that stopping depression is as easy as just being happy. It doesnt go away just cuz i want it to. I cant smile just cuz you tell me to. The nightmares, and sleepless nights dont just go away. And the pain is just as real as if i had broken bones or torn flesh. No one can see the scars and open festering sores that i live with everyday. Unless youve been there, you will never be able to understand how somedys, even knowing the cost to those left behind how much easier and less painful it would be to just give up and die. No one can understand how much i hate myself for what my child has to see and live with on a daily basis, how much it hurts me when he sees me cry or wake up screaming. No one seems to understand how i hurt my best friend everyday because he has to take on the role of being a parent to make sure i eat and drink and take my meds cuz somedys i forget.

No one understands its not a matter of do i want to leave him. I do love him, but i know i can never be what he wants me to be, and he will never give me what i need. I continue this charade on a daily basis, cuz i cant go back and fix what i broke, and i cant go forward. No one knows or understand how my heart breaks everytime i think about what i have and could lose and what i had and have already lost. Cuz no matter what i do, someone will lose, and someone will get hurt, and it will be all my fault. And the one who will lose the most and get hurt the worst is an innocent child who never asked to be the rock i leanon or the parent who has to take care of me. No one is there for him, and the one person he should be able to count on the most cant even take care of herself.

So the next time you think you know why things are the way they are, or that i should just get over it, ask yourself if you could do what i do on a daily basis, and keep on going. ask yourself if youve really looked at my life or my sons life and wondered what you could do to help. Remember that i have always given to others until i have nothing left to give, and still tried to make everyones world a better place. think of all the times when you needed me and i was there, no matter what, then ask yourself, have i been a friend or loved one to this person? Have i tried to help instead of making this persons world a more miserable place to be? Remember when you are out with your friends or sitting with your family and loved ones, is there someone missing? Cuz im here to tell you, this world i live in, not by choice but by some cruel twist of fate that destroyed my brain, is a sad, lonely and painful place to live. Remember that there is someone out there who needs to know you care. And remember that there is a child who by no choice of his own, does the best he can everyday to try and keep the world from crashing down around his shoulders. Hes no perfect, he makes mistakes and he has problems, but hes a tough little guy who would never, ever think of giving up on a single one of you, even when you all seem to have given up on him. Dont blame him cuz i messed up, and understand when he gets angry, that he has every right to be. He didnt ask for this, but hes doing the best that he can to hold on to his little family in the only ways he knows how.


Current mood:  depressed

My life is hell. Between the mentall problems, the physical problems and the family who doesnt give a damn, i feel totally worthless, useless, left out, forgotten and pretty much like a piece of meat thats been left out too long. Yeah, i made the choice to try and be on myown, but too many people think its all one sided and that i am the only one who has any blame in my life being the way it is. The family who cant stand the truth, the family who takes it out on kids cuz theyre mad at the parent, and the ones who dont want to hear the facts all helped me to be where i am right now.

My one rock, who keeps me going gets left out, ignored and generally just shit on, tried so hard to make up for what others have done. And when help was needed for him, no one was there. Poor baby was stuck at home for 2 weeks and no one in the family even bothered to call and check on him, see if he needed anything or even called to say i love you. But everyone is so fucking perfect and im the one whos rotten. AAt least my kids dont get brought home in cop cars, hang out in bars, or have to wander the streets cuz someone is getting a booty call.

What no one seems to realize or understand is that the choice i made was not made easily. And dont for one minute think im not paying for it. The one who made my world and owns my heart, will never know how much i love and miss him. Dont anyone get me wrong, I do love who im with, but ill never be able to be all he wants and needs. And i will never be able to be all i want and need to be either. I can never get back the time i lost by having to work and not being there for my boys when they needed me, i can never replace the years i lost with my girls cuz ithought they were in a better place, and i can never replace the time that i gave up because i was too sick to understand all i was doing.

Everyone thinks that stopping depression is as easy as just being happy. It doesnt go away just cuz i want it to. I cant smile just cuz you tell me to. The nightmares, and sleepless nights dont just go away. And the pain is just as real as if i had broken bones or torn flesh. No one can see the scars and open festering sores that i live with everyday. Unless youve been there, you will never be able to understand how somedys, even knowing the cost to those left behind how much easier and less painful it would be to just give up and die. No one can understand how much i hate myself for what my child has to see and live with on a daily basis, how much it hurts me when he sees me cry or wake up screaming. No one seems to understand how i hurt my best friend everyday because he has to take on the role of being a parent to make sure i eat and drink and take my meds cuz somedys i forget.

No one understands its not a matter of do i want to leave him. I do love him, but i know i can never be what he wants me to be, and he will never give me what i need. I continue this charade on a daily basis, cuz i cant go back and fix what i broke, and i cant go forward. No one knows or understand how my heart breaks everytime i think about what i have and could lose and what i had and have already lost. Cuz no matter what i do, someone will lose, and someone will get hurt, and it will be all my fault. And the one who will lose the most and get hurt the worst is an innocent child who never asked to be the rock i leanon or the parent who has to take care of me. No one is there for him, and the one person he should be able to count on the most cant even take care of herself.

So the next time you think you know why things are the way they are, or that i should just get over it, ask yourself if you could do what i do on a daily basis, and keep on going. ask yourself if youve really looked at my life or my sons life and wondered what you could do to help. Remember that i have always given to others until i have nothing left to give, and still tried to make everyones world a better place. think of all the times when you needed me and i was there, no matter what, then ask yourself, have i been a friend or loved one to this person? Have i tried to help instead of making this persons world a more miserable place to be? Remember when you are out with your friends or sitting with your family and loved ones, is there someone missing? Cuz im here to tell you, this world i live in, not by choice but by some cruel twist of fate that destroyed my brain, is a sad, lonely and painful place to live. Remember that there is someone out there who needs to know you care. And remember that there is a child who by no choice of his own, does the best he can everyday to try and keep the world from crashing down around his shoulders. Hes no perfect, he makes mistakes and he has problems, but hes a tough little guy who would never, ever think of giving up on a single one of you, even when you all seem to have given up on him. Dont blame him cuz i messed up, and understand when he gets angry, that he has every right to be. He didnt ask for this, but hes doing the best that he can to hold on to his little family in the only ways he knows how.

Time was when I knew who I could count on for love and support. Lately tho, I have to wonder. I always thought family loved unconditionally and without judgement. I am not perfect, never claimed to be, but I am in no way solely responsible for the turns my life has taken. My son is no way responsible for the things that are happening, yet it seems like the family has turned on him because he supports me. He is the one who is getting hurt the most by all of this, yet no one is there for him. those who are, you know I love and am glad you you are there for us. But if you cant be supportive of what we are going thru, please, dont make comments like you did this to yourself. Always remember there are 2 sides to every story and if you arent willing to hear both, then dont pass judgemnet on just one. If you love me and Erin, then be there for us, and help us over the rough patches. If you cant do that, then we dont need you in our lives and we dont want to hear from you. Somehow we will survive, with or without the help of a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites who think their shit dont stink and they are perfect. Please, repost this bulletin, so those people who have blocked me can see this as well, cuz they need to know this as well. To those who support and love us, we thank you for all you have done, and mostly for understanding that the health problems I have make a big difference in how our goes. Understand that Erin is a rock and a very special man, who gives my world meaning and a reason to go on living when I would have given up long ago. Hes far from perfect, but you know what, when it comes down to taking care of what needs to be done, for the longest time, he has been the only one of my blood family that i can count on to make it all better. He needs to know that he is important too, so please remember to send him love and support, even if you think im a worthless piece of trash.
With all I have left to give

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Laura McAllister

English 1A

Tabitha Villalba

Final Essay: Descriptive Essay

 

The Devil’s Playground

 

            My favorite place to hangout is very unconventional. I’m usually in my pajamas when I’m there. I’m agoraphobic, so I don’t go out of my home very much. But I have a nightclub that’s online that I hang out in. It’s called the Devil’s Playground and we have a lot of fun. The atmosphere is one of younger adults looking to make friends or maybe make a date. There are several dj’s so the music varies. We have a virtual bar list to choose from and there are many exotic drinks.

            The Devils Playground is very real to me. I have met and made many friends here. I discovered that there are others like me, who crave the socialness of a club, but are afraid of being out in public. We find kindred spirits to talk about raising our children, or discuss how bad the day was at work. We have a support group for everything from male bashing to just being silly. We also can pretend to be creatures of the night. We have vampires among other things, and no one laughs at us. We protect each other. If someone new comes in who doesn’t understand the kinds of lives we live, then we make sure to take care of each other. Several of us lead alternative lifestyles such as Master/slave and no one thinks anything different about it.

            We do a lot flirting, just like in a real club. We even have a list they call emotes, so we don’ have to try and think of exactly what we want to say to another person. The best part of the flirting in here is that it is safe. Most of us have made up names, like naughty vamp, darklightstorm, soulessone, and me, I’m celt. Its fun when relationships build. If they last long enough, sometimes we have weddings. Of course, there is also the downside to relationships as well. People break up, lines get drawn and people choose sides, but usually after a couple of days, everything has blownover and everyone is friends again. People have jobs, like enforcers, who make sure the few rules we have are followed, the dj’s, who give us everything from big bands to the new stuff coming out today, and the most important job is the greeters who make sure people are meet, invited to join the family and keep the place hopping.

            We dance, swing from the rafters, try to hide in corners when were upset (but for someone reason they keep dragging us out and making us laugh), and pick on each other. Sometimes when I’m really down, I can close my eyes and hear the glasses tinkling and the laughter and conversations going on. I can feel the fans and smell the sweat and the alcohol. For some, it’s just the thought of getting drunk that makes them act silly and its fun just to watch everyone have fun. Most of the time, I am the oldest n the group, so I feel a little out of place, but not for long. The motto is no one is old or ugly. The best part is everyone is beautiful because all anyone sees is the picture of yourself you let them see.

            Before I became so agoraphobic, I used to go to night clubs a lot, and I bounced around trying to find one that I felt at home in. There never were the same, they changed from week to week, and the customers and staff always changed, so it was hard to find a home. I think probably what I like the most about Devil’s Playground, is that it’s usually always the same people in there. Sure we get new people, and that’s always good, because you have to grow, and we lose some, but that’s ok too, because change is good too, but the continuity and stability make it home

            The Devils Playground can be found at the following addresshttp://www.fubar.com/lounge/65427#. It is an adult site, and you’ll have to join the home group FUBAR at www.fubar.com. But if you want to have a fun night and not get dressed, meet some crazy and fun people, then take some time, pop in and see what its all about

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