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kittycelt's blog: "Adult content"

created on 01/22/2007  |  http://fubar.com/adult-content/b47418
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER 10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name. 9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional. 8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard. 7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself. 6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra? 5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends. 4. Three words: No shotgun weddings. 3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson. 2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement. 1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
Murphy's Law...applied to sex1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”
Dating Women WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second Date: Yo u get to grope all over and make out . Third Date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMEN First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insist on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMEN First date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. CHINESE WOMEN First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens. Second Date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third Date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second Date: Set the date of the wedding. Third Date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMEN First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.(Or a cell phone) Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you . MEXICAN WOMEN First date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of y our life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande. The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
SEX RECIPE Ingredients: 2 Loving eyes. 2 Loving arms 2 Well shaped legs 2 Firm milk containers 1 Fur lined mixing bowl 2 Large nuts 1 Large banana Method: Look into loving eyes. Fold in loving arms Spread well shaped legs Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana - work in and out until well creamed. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl! P.S. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately!!!
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I work head first. I do not get weekends off, vacations, or public holidays. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases Response from the administration: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight! You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas. You take a lot of breaks. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits. You don't wait till pension age before retiring. You don't like working double shifts. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
30 things I learned from porn 1. Women wear high heels to bed. 2. Men are never impotent. 3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. 6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. 7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. 8. Women always orgasm when men do. 9. A blowjob will always get a woman out of a speeding ticket. 10. All women are noisy cummers. 11. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. 12. Those tits are real. 13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. 14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. 15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!) 16. Double penetration makes women smile. 17. Asian men don't exist. 18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. 19. There's a plot. 20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt. 21. Nurses suck patients cocks. 22. Men always pull out. 23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you. 24. Women never have headaches... or periods. 25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". 26. Assholes are clean. 27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. 28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. 29. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.(The Captain Morgan pose) 30. Dorky guys never have to beg.
Have you ever: Had a threesome? What kind was it: MMF(2 guys and a girl) FFM(2 girls and a guy) Had something in your ass? What was it? Did you enjoy it? Had sex in public(with people around out in the open)? How was it? Said these words during sex: Daddy: Mommy: Madam: Sir: God: Baby: Bitch: Whore: Cunt: Mother Fucker: Had anal sex? Fucked more than 1 person in a night(other than a 3some etc..)? Answered the door completely naked? Choked someone or been choked during sex? Pulled someone's hair or had your hair pulled during sex? Tried double penetration? XXXtras What sexual aids/toys so you have? How many nude photos of your self do you have? How many nude photos of other people do you have? Describe how your lover feels after sex with you: Your routine after sex? Your partner What kind of chick you would normally go after: Eyes: Hair: Boobs: Ass: Pussy: Skin: Body Type: Voice: Attitude/personality: Tats/Piercings: What kind of Guy you would normally go after: Eyes: Hair: Skin: Body Type: Voice: Attitude/personality: Dick: Ass: Chest: Facial Hair: Tats/Piercings: Repost and find your next great
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard. 2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splash guard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why. 3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonderbra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile. 4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen. 5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony. 6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the supersized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard! 7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyberpartner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, "I have to let my dog out." 8. Once both cyberpartners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.) 9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice. 10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
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