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depressedMy life is hell. Between the mentall problems, the physical problems and the family who doesnt give a damn, i feel totally worthless, useless, left out, forgotten and pretty much like a piece of meat thats been left out too long. Yeah, i made the choice to try and be on myown, but too many people think its all one sided and that i am the only one who has any blame in my life being the way it is. The family who cant stand the truth, the family who takes it out on kids cuz theyre mad at the parent, and the ones who dont want to hear the facts all helped me to be where i am right now.
My one rock, who keeps me going gets left out, ignored and generally just shit on, tried so hard to make up for what others have done. And when help was needed for him, no one was there. Poor baby was stuck at home for 2 weeks and no one in the family even bothered to call and check on him, see if he needed anything or even called to say i love you. But everyone is so fucking perfect and im the one whos rotten. AAt least my kids dont get brought home in cop cars, hang out in bars, or have to wander the streets cuz someone is getting a booty call.
What no one seems to realize or understand is that the choice i made was not made easily. And dont for one minute think im not paying for it. The one who made my world and owns my heart, will never know how much i love and miss him. Dont anyone get me wrong, I do love who im with, but ill never be able to be all he wants and needs. And i will never be able to be all i want and need to be either. I can never get back the time i lost by having to work and not being there for my boys when they needed me, i can never replace the years i lost with my girls cuz ithought they were in a better place, and i can never replace the time that i gave up because i was too sick to understand all i was doing.
Everyone thinks that stopping depression is as easy as just being happy. It doesnt go away just cuz i want it to. I cant smile just cuz you tell me to. The nightmares, and sleepless nights dont just go away. And the pain is just as real as if i had broken bones or torn flesh. No one can see the scars and open festering sores that i live with everyday. Unless youve been there, you will never be able to understand how somedys, even knowing the cost to those left behind how much easier and less painful it would be to just give up and die. No one can understand how much i hate myself for what my child has to see and live with on a daily basis, how much it hurts me when he sees me cry or wake up screaming. No one seems to understand how i hurt my best friend everyday because he has to take on the role of being a parent to make sure i eat and drink and take my meds cuz somedys i forget.
No one understands its not a matter of do i want to leave him. I do love him, but i know i can never be what he wants me to be, and he will never give me what i need. I continue this charade on a daily basis, cuz i cant go back and fix what i broke, and i cant go forward. No one knows or understand how my heart breaks everytime i think about what i have and could lose and what i had and have already lost. Cuz no matter what i do, someone will lose, and someone will get hurt, and it will be all my fault. And the one who will lose the most and get hurt the worst is an innocent child who never asked to be the rock i leanon or the parent who has to take care of me. No one is there for him, and the one person he should be able to count on the most cant even take care of herself.
So the next time you think you know why things are the way they are, or that i should just get over it, ask yourself if you could do what i do on a daily basis, and keep on going. ask yourself if youve really looked at my life or my sons life and wondered what you could do to help. Remember that i have always given to others until i have nothing left to give, and still tried to make everyones world a better place. think of all the times when you needed me and i was there, no matter what, then ask yourself, have i been a friend or loved one to this person? Have i tried to help instead of making this persons world a more miserable place to be? Remember when you are out with your friends or sitting with your family and loved ones, is there someone missing? Cuz im here to tell you, this world i live in, not by choice but by some cruel twist of fate that destroyed my brain, is a sad, lonely and painful place to live. Remember that there is someone out there who needs to know you care. And remember that there is a child who by no choice of his own, does the best he can everyday to try and keep the world from crashing down around his shoulders. Hes no perfect, he makes mistakes and he has problems, but hes a tough little guy who would never, ever think of giving up on a single one of you, even when you all seem to have given up on him. Dont blame him cuz i messed up, and understand when he gets angry, that he has every right to be. He didnt ask for this, but hes doing the best that he can to hold on to his little family in the only ways he knows how.
