kittycelt's blog: "IMPORTANCE LEVEL: HIGH"

    As i look back now, 7 years later, I realize that day was a pivotal point in my mental status. thats when i started going downhil into the slide to where im at now. That was the day i started withdrawing and becoming more and more agorophobic, not leaving the house unless i had to. Even though i pushed for my advancement, if the doctors had been paying attention, then i might not be where i am now. i was an assistant manger for a gas station and slowly became unable to deal with cutomers. i started calling in sick, leaving early and coming in late. Stan was gone for the better part of a year, and i spent 5 months on bedrest becuase i disloacted my knee. I went through 3 managers at one store, the last one passing away, leaving me to run the store by myself for 4 months, but instead of making me manager of that store, they moved me to a biggger store, where i wasnt very welcome by the staff already there. just over a year after moving to taht store, things were bad at home. in april that year i had cataract lens replacement suregery, and the ight before, wen i was terrified of having a knife in my eye, when i needed love and reassurance what i got was..."lets fuck cuz we wont be able to for 6 weeks". the next setback was our trip to see my daughter graduate. the trip was cut short cuz his mother wanted to stop and see some dog, that we didnt even do. while we were on this trip my feet swelled to 3 times their normal size and i could barely walk. i went to the doctor and my blood pressure was sky high. a week later, my potaassium bottomed out and they had to hve stan come get from work and take me to the hospital. we thought i was having a heart attack and i was terrified adn crying, afraid i was going to die. His response was, shut up and quit acting like a baby. 2 weeks later i started dating a coworker, and got my first tattoo. then the beginning of october my best friends husband was in a serious accident and she needed help so i started staying wit her. made seeing the bf easie, but i also started drinking again. by december, we had tried marriage counseling and i was living with my friend. in feb she got a house so i took over her lease on the apartment. come the end of  march i had surgery on the other eye and we all thought it best if i moved back to stans while i recovered. By this time i had also changed stores agin, and pretty much ran the store. while recovering from surgery, we all talked and decided i would move back and stay with stan, but i slept on the couch instead of with him. Then in april I met seth, who became my Master. I started making excuses for staying with friends just to spend time with him.
then came mothers day weekend. we had made plans for me to camp out with seth for the weekend. in a major misunderstanding stan said if i left i could never come home again. well i took it to mean that if i went on the camping trip i could never go back, and i was already on the trip. Seth and i spent a month living in a hotel and my car until someone found out we were living in my car. i had also lost my job by then. we ended up enrolling in school. the first week of school i had surgery on my arm, and wanted stan there, but he wouldnt take the time, so i had seth and my boys there. the boys started coming down and spending weekends wit me, erin more than will, but i made it through the semester barely, and was becoming more and more agorophobic. by december, i barely left the house. then in january seth and i had to mov out. we stayed with a friend for 2 weeks until he told me if i didnt fuck him then seth and i had to get out. we had 2 hours to do so. we went back to where we were for a few days then another friend found us a place to live. during this time, stans grandma had a stroke and they sent her home to die. erin said he couldnt live in teh same house she died in so he ended up living with us. well things were sort of smooth seth went to school and i studied online. then things went horribly wrong and eth and i were out on teh streets again. we spent most of the month of june in a hotel, and part of july at friends, a hotel and sleeping in the car. then we found the house i live in ow, when we moved in it had no walls or ceilings, and most of the floors were gone. we were supposed to get supplies to do the repairs on the house, but it never came. we spent from july until march living in the kitchen because it was the only complete room. I got on disability by then and we got thigs like a washer adn dryer and stuff like that . when we finally started getting supplies, we were able to move into the main part of the house. we had floors but still no walls or ceilings. we made do with sheets dividing the rooms and plastic on the ceiling.i got us on a program tha gor us a new refridgerator and an air conditioner. things were still fairly smooth except erin wouldnt go to school. we finally got him enrolled in home school and seth kept going to college and i bevame homebound. i was hospitalized on a suicide watch while they figured out my meds and i had a hysterectomy because of masses in my terus. theni messed up my knee. i spent most of 2010 on bed rest for one reason or another. then mom guilted me to make a trip to arizona for thanksgiving. the week before our trip, seth brought another girl nto our home, screwed her on my sons bed, and she told me she was going to have his baby for him since i couldnt. i let it go until after our trip. then i told hem he had to let her go. i thought things were going ok. he found a friend to help us start getting the ceilngs up. he had a fiend who had pneumonia and was sleeping in a car. i said no way and moved him in with hus. by now we were starting to get supplies and the work was getiing done. then the first weekend in feb, we had company and we were waiting on seth who never came home. the next night, while i was asleep, he came in, grabbed his stuff and moved out on me. Zack kept on working on the house until i sent him to ohio the end of april. seths leaving brought out a new symptom, cutting. first it wwas just my arm, then it progressed to carving names in my legs. Now Erin and Will are mad at me, Erin refuses to talk tome, seth doesnt want me, but keeps messing in my life, and i now have a Mistress to take care of me while im training another sub and prtecting still another one from seth.
and so ends the story of the last 20 years since daddy died. i started a memorial page for him in rememberance of the 20 years. ive rekindled old friendships and made some new ones. I learned to let go of things, and now if i can just fix my relationshup with my son, then my life will be complete.
I love You Da, and i know ive ket you down, but im trying to fix things, and i know you have my back and are there to keep me alive. I hear you telling me it isnt time yet, so i keep on keeping one. And you were almost right daddy...duct tape really does fix everything...except a broken heart.

with all my love
your firstest baby girl
Rusti