so.... — Thursday, July 12, 2007
It seems everything goes back to I'm an asshole because I am nice. I guess people get hooked on that kindness and then go through withdrawls.
I kinda re broke up with my ex yesterday. I always did my best to talk to her and tell her that we weren't together, and wouldn't ever be together. I explained to her that she can decide what to do from there. Despite that, I did kinda treat her as if she was my gf while I was over there. The whole " mixed messages " thing, I guess. I always told her we are not together, in my mind I made it clear that I didn't want her to be my girlfriend. She should have believed what I said. I'm a pretty honest guy, and I say what I mean.
I talked to her tuesday, and she invited me over for food. ( yah, stupid me, ) I went over there. It's hard to say no to food. I should eat more or something. I ende up staying the night because I didn't have to go to school on wednesday. I ended up staying there all day wednesday too. I spent way too much time over there. Anyway, before I left, I told her I wasn't going to have sex with her any more. She asked why, I explained I wanted to move on and couldn't really do that if I continued to have sex with her. She was hoping that I would still get back with her. It's something that I thought about, but decieded not to do. There was a long talk that ensued after that. I did my best to explain everything to her. I told her I cared about her, but didn't want her as my gf. I ended up explaining why I didn't want her, and she explained why she thought I might still come back to her. I guess I'm wishywashy, indecisev. That makes sense. I explained how and why I wouldn't be coming back to her this time. I've had this similar talk before, then it always regressed to us having sex again. This time that won't happen..
Relationships... Everyone who enters into one, takes that risk of getting hurt, or having to hurt someone else. It's one of those things people have to accept the possiblity of. I don't know. It always seems like it goes back to people are assholes because they are nice. The nicer they are, the bigger assholes the end up being. I'm sick of having people care about me, especially people who I don't want to care about me. It might sound selfish, but I don't want to be at fault somehow for other people being unhappy. I don't want to worry about hurting people because they care about me, or dissapointing people who look up to me. It's not my fault they look up to me, or are attatched to me. Or maybe it is? It's my fault because I'm so nice to people. I " let them get attatched to" me. If I just didn't allow people to get attatched to me, then I wouldn't have to worry about them getting hurt. So should I be mean to people to make sure they don't get attached to me? I could simply not be mean, but not be as nice as I am. I could be cold and distant. People might mistake that as being rude though.
Some people enjoy feeling loved, and cared about. That feeling kinda bothers me. Maybe it's just because it hasn't come from people who I really want it to. Maybe I just see the pain caring about other people causes me, and don't want other's to have to deal with that.
It's weird. There's people that are unhappy because they feel no one cares about them. I'm get upset because so many people do care about me. I don't like other people careing about me influencing the path I take in life. I don't like having people worry about me, and miss me.
I like doing nice things for people. I like helping them out, and making them feel better. I just don't need those people to like me. I guess I need to just do annonomus things that help people. Stuff where people don't know it was me, so they don't end up liking me. I could just give money to random charities or something. It's not realy the same as doing things for people. It doesn't usually make me feel good to just give my money away. It's often the time spent with people that they appreciate, but there inlies the problem. I spend time with people, and they end up liking me. Sometimes they miss me when I'm gone. Then I'm somehow mean for simply not talking to them or spending time with them. I go back to being the asshole because I was nice to them, and they like me. If I wasn't nice to them, they wouldn't like me, so they wouldn't be hurt by my absence and miss me.
It's in that sort of way that kindness leads to the most pain. Sometimes you have to have loved someone to really hate them more than anyone.
I'm just confused and frustrated right now.
I need to work on my speach. I don't know what i'm going to do it on. I need to persuade people of something, or to do something. Maybe I hould persuagde people that being kind is really being mean...
