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She kinda reminds me of one of my friends who gets embarrased to be around me sometimes cuz of the clothes i wear or the colors i put in my hair. He's like "I don't know you" tuesday we went to the mall so I could get some smoothies cuz i'd just gotten my teethout. So I had a bag of ice I was carrying around on my face. He didn't want me to take the ice in the mall. cuz people would stare or something. My eyes have huge black circles around them from lack of sleep, plus they are dried out from the cold. and I'm taking decongestants cuz my sinuses are messed up, with also doesn't help with my eyes. So between that and the one side of my face being swollen up huge, I get stared at anyway. But I still didn't bring my ice in to make him feel better. He did give me a ride ther in his pretty yellow mustang. I bought him a reeses flurry for bringing me. So the point of this drawn out story is.... It's hard to think while on percacet. ok. really I don't think she acts any different when she's not where everyone knows who she is. She just uses that as an excuse. I can understand how people feel I guesse. I still feel that too sometimes.Well all the time in the back of my head. I just do my best not to let judgmentall assholes keep me from doing the things I like to do. And wear what I like to wear. Draw what I like to draw, so on and so forth. I've done been embarrassed and laughed at enough that I'm mostly uste to it. As long as people laugh at me to my face it doesn't bother me. It just gets depressing when they are 2faced chickinshit assholes and do it behind my back when I can't say anything about it. Or do... I believe in honesty now for the most part. If i act "normal" and look "normal" it's like walking around lieing to everyone. It's deceptive and decietfull. They can hate me for who i am if they want. But if they love me for whatever show I decide to put on for that day to get them to like me or not hate me, then they still don't know if they really like me anyway. They just love the show I put on. I've gotten good at playing whatever role necesary to have people like me. I can follow other ppl's mentality fairly well just by observing them and being around them. So I can just act like them, and most of the time they think that's just awesome cuz they love themselves. (probly too much) So I'm good at getting along with people if i have to. Or if it benifits me. Like say getting a job or staying out of trouble, making that good first impression to people who could really help me out if I ( most likly when, it just happens ) I get in trouble somehow. Manipulation is key to a pleasant survival in the army. Leadership skills is the army term for it. I'm not really good at being evil and manipulative, I just have great leadership skills. It's all about getting people to do what you want them to do. K this previous paragraph makes me sound really fucked up. But Keep in mind a couple of things. 1- I only use those leadership skillz for good. I feel terible when I use them just cuz i can to make my life easier. It also all come's back on me in the end as really bad karma. 2- I've learned those skills through bad experiences of people using them on me. So for a while, I was quite paranoid. I'm a nice guy and sometimes people have a tendancy to take advantage of that. Especially people who have those outsanding "Leadership abilities" It grew naturally inside me as a defense mechanism. I didn't seek it out with some demented reson for using it. So the moral of this one is still the same thing. I probly shouldn't be writing when on percacet. Tendencys to reveal my inner self come out. That's why this one girl like to start questioning me while I was drunk. She knew most of the time she would get honest answeres. yes now I'm rambling. hopefully it's entertaining rambling though. I wrote that paragraph last. So the other ones should make more sense cuz i was less tired and my pill hadn't set in quite yet. so it's like half way through that it turns all weird i think. for somereason it feel like my hands are on two different sides of my boddie. uh that's cuz they are, you might be thinking. but they seem tottally dethached from one another. Like the keyboard is in two different peices. I even looked down to make sure it wasn't. yes, all i'm on is percs. and i don't think i took more than one in the prescribed time limit. it's probly just a combination of being tired and thinking out loud trying to figure out the girl I like, that's so far away and i miss even though i haven't actually met her in person. The whole internet relationship thing sounds really corney. Even to me. But people will go out with someone they just met in a bar somewhere, and know less about them than if you talk to someone online for a while. Logicly it works. But for somereason, i guess commonculture or society or what ever makes it seem stupid. "they're all going to laugh at you!" - from that adam sandler clip. It's just different i guess. It's not how things worked before. It's not what other people are uste to. So it just seems like they look down on it. But if you want to meet someone who doesn't like to go out much. Someone who is happy with just sitting around playing games and stuff most of the time. And someone who doesn't like being around lots of people, then it's kinda hard to find them by going out to clubs and stuff. If you do find someone there, they probly like to go there. But the people who don't go out like that much aren't ther eand ther's not much meeting people just sitting around the house or always having parties or going to parties with your friends. It's a catch 22 thing. So the internet helps those people out who just sit around bored my themselves, but don't like going out and being around lots of people they don't know much, but are sick of being alone. Like me. I get sick of people somtimes. Don't want to be around them cuz they piss me off, or are like Timmy Carnes ( one of my best friends ) with the yellow mustang. It's really quiete a blow when people don't want to do stuff with me cuz of the way I like to look. He still does stuff with me, he's actually slowly growing out of that whole insecurity thing i think. He's only 18 or 19. So hopefully he will make more progress with it. But I don't know if he will after I leave. That's one thing the uniform thing does. People get to know me at work without judging me by the clothes I wear, or how I like my hair. Just on how shiny my boots are and how flat my uniform is. Yes, it's still not a perfect system. But it should be slightly better with the new uniforms and the desert boots. Nomore looking down on people cuz your boots are shinier than theirs. It's a natureal sort of thing. I've even done it before when I got a heat gun and spent lots of time making my boots ultra shiny. It made me feel so awefull afterwards. I never want to be like that. If i ever am I hope someone beats the shit out of me and if that doesn't work shoot me. Because I won't really be myself anymore. My soul will have been sucked out by society and I'll only be a walking spawn of satin. Not the smooth silkie stuff either. So don't be fealling me and shit. Just shoot me. So anyway, back to the uniforms thing. Sometimes people get to know me at work and then have todo a double take when they see me when I'm off. I worked at lagoon the summer after my junior year in highschool. I was a games person. Yes, those people who harrass you when you walk by and try to get you to believe you can just throw that ball up in the air and have it land in the big milk can or get the loop over the cokebottle, or the pingpongball in the floaty cup. I had to put my hair under my hat. Cuz the people who own lagune are predjucie peices of shit who cater to other like minded people. But hey, it's thier busness, and they started it to make money, not make the world a better place. So they should be able to make anyrules they want to. Especially if it makes them more money. I agree people should be able to do that with private buisnesses, cuz they are about making money. And that's what life is really all about to most people. ( or that's my estamit atleast ) It just shouldn't go on in government organizations and things that aren't about making money. So ya, sidetracked again. Interesting tidbit for ya - I showed up to the interview to that job in cutoff shorts that had strings hainging down from them. and a tee-shirt with a gold skull sarcoffagest?/coffin thing on it, and a huge hole in the side of it. Like almost the whole side was a hole. And I got the job. My brother didn't, who showed up slightly more "presentable" than I did.- So for a long time, people didn't know I had long hair. but sometimes when I went on break in the breakroom/cafateria I took my hat off. So then it was a really BIG deal that i had long hair. People are shocked. Cuz they liked me and thought i was nice and stuff and that's not what their stereotype of guys with long hair told them I was suposed to be like. I was a totall paradox to a lot of people. It's wierd how different people treated me and looked at me and acted around me when I had my hair under my hat. and when I didn't. Something as simple as hair made all the difference in the world. And people wonder why i think it is so important. It's a really powerfull thing in my quest in life to try to make a dent in the whole stereotyping thing. I wish i never had to go inside or take my hat off. Then I could have my hair how I wanted it and just keep it under my hat or moron beret or whatever kind of headgear I had on. I really should have tried to get away with that one winter or something. ohwell. now My hair is falling out. It's not really noticable just by looking at it i don't think. But I can feel the difference and I can see the difference especially when I spike it up. but ohwell, I'll think of something crazy to do with it when it all falls out on top. I'm not going to grow the sides out and put them in a pony tale though. That looks sad and unoriginal. I think I'll grow stripes of it long and dye them differnet colors and let it hang down in braids. Then if that hair falls out too, I'll get some wicked tattoos on my head. I might do that after the top falls out anyway. Have that and the colorfull braids. That would be cool. I could get a nice hat and walk around In a nice suit or something to get a good job. Then later after everyone knew me and liked me, take my hat off oneday. Like at the company christmas party. After everyone gets drunk. I would totally scare the shit out of some people. And it's not like they'ed fire me when they know me and loved me, especially at christmas time. The next time I was at work I'd show up like i normally did. And half of them would think they just got totally smashed that night and dreamed that part or something. Cuz i'd be sure to get as many people sloshed as I could befor doing it. Yah, I'm planning my future around my hair. It's that important. If people could only understand....... It's always funny to hear people talk about the mormons who hasn't dealt with them their whole lives. When you've always been surrounded by them your whole life or for 19 years, you start to wonder if your the messed up one. Only for a second for me though, then I come to my senses. It's sad that a lot of people don't though. They end up thinking that the mormons really are better than them. Some people end up joining just out of peer presure. "Cuz your not cool if your not mormon" lol. Sad people with low selfesteems. I've mostly only ate chicken noodle soup for the last couple days. Today I decided to put the last of my Coo ranch dorritos in it. It tasted good. Other people thought it was gross. But it doesn't matter cuz they weren't the one eating it. So why should they care anywaY? Kinda like the sgtmajor doesn't live in my room so why should i care what he thinks of it? Or the 1sgt or anyone else that doesn't even live in the barracks? Fuck all them anyway who don't live here and don't have to put up with alll the shit we do but want to criticize us. Walk a mile in someone elses shoes, then your a mile away and you have their shoes. Or something like that. I don't have to go towork tomarrow so that's good. But i have a room inspection tomarrow. So my 1sgt the person I hate most in the world right now is coming through around 1pm. I plan on being passed out so he won't bother me. And so I don't have to see him. It's late and I'm tired so I don't have much else to write about right now. I'm sure I'll have a more interesting letter after this weekend.
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