Happily In Love's blog: "thoughts and feelings"

So I finally let him know how I really feel about him.  It wasn't easy on me because I'm not good with words verbally but I found a way to let him know.  Last night him and I had a heart to heart talk and I learned everything that I needed to know for right now.  We still aren't a couple but I'm ok with that.  He told me that he does have feelings for me but he's not ready for a relationship yet.  And he adores Heaven but he's not sure he's ready for all that comes along with having a child.  But he is helping me out with her birthday and when they are together he is so good with her that you would never know we weren't together. 

Last night I broke down because I ain't gonna be able to do everything I wanted to do for Heaven for her birthday and he's the one who calmed me down and brought me back to the reality that as long as she's happy that's all that matters.  And that she isn't going to really care about everything she gets as long as she has fun and the people she loves are around her.

I've had so much on my mind that is just really getting to me but sitting there talking to him last night about everything really did help me out.  He's not only understanding but he has also experienced a lot of what I'm going through in one way or another so he really does understand what it's like.  And he's doing everything he can to help me get through it. He's honestly one of the only reasons I haven't totally lost my mind.  By some miracle he can calm my mind and make me feel so much better just with his words.

Here I sit wishing I knew an easy way to tell him exactly how I feel about him.  Knowing that when he gets done with work he will come home and we will go out together as if we were officially a couple, without a care in the world of what others think of us being together.  He is always there when I need him and does everything he can to make the hard days easier and to understand me.  He has no idea how much he helps me just get through each day and night with all the other drama and bullshit going on.  Just hearing his voice and having him tell me everything will work out one way or another makes everything all that much better and easier to handle. 

Now with Heaven being with her grandparents and father I spend every other weekend with him, just the two of us. Yeah he's had to work both weekends that I have been down here so far but that's alright because while he's at work I just hang out and try figuring everything out and then when he gets home we do whatever we wanna do.  Nobody to tell us there is other stuff that needs to be done or that we need to be in by a certain time.  We have total freedom to just be us.  And even when we just stay at his place and watch tv together I feel like there's nothing else that could make the day/night any better.  I don't know how he does it but just being with him makes me feel whole, like there's nothing that could go wrong.  He knows how to make me feel better no matter what.

I want to tell him that he means so much to me but I'm scared of losing what we already have. I don't know where I stand with him and I don't want to take the chance of pushing too far and scaring him away.  His sister keeps telling me to just tell him that even if his feelings aren't as strong it won't push him away but it's so much easier said than done.  Yet when he looks into my eyes I swear they are saying so much more than he ever has emotionly.  I mean yeah we talk all the time but we never talk about us, never talk about our feelings for each other.  I don't know if that's because he is afraid of getting hurt again so he feels if he doesn't say how he feels there's no way he can get hurt or what.  I just want to take one night to sit down and talk about us and our feelings but I don't know how to talk to him about it. I have never been very good with words...especially when it comes to emotions and I think that's why I'm so scared to even try talking to him about it all.

My heart goes out to him more than he knows but I don't know how to tell him.  All I want is to let him know how I really feel but can never seem to find the words when I have the chance to talk to him.  For some reason the words never come to me.  I want to tell him how he's the only one I want and how I want for us to be all that everyone thinks we are and then some.  I think him and I could be something very amazing but at the same time I'm so scared that by saying something I will only push him away.  He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I really don't want to lose him.  He is amazing.  Treats me and my lil girl like nobody ever has and doesn't ask for anything in return.  He's happy just spending time together...don't have to spend money or anything just to be together.  So now all I have to do is figure out how to tell him how I truly feel about him.