I'm not looking to fidn the love of my life here on CT really I am not - so why do people assume automatically that I am? WHy do they assume that becasue I talk to someone that I am looking to find myself in a wedding dress and walking down an aisle? No one reads my damn profile I swear - it clearly states that I am not looking for a man or woman on here. Yeah I am ready to change my life and who I am and perhaps find someone to share that with me - doesn't mean that I am after every damn man I talk to though.
Is it seriously soo fucking terrible that I want to find someone? Is it that fucking terrible if that person ends up being someone I met on here? I mean c'mon what rule says that the man I actually find myself falling for has to live near me? Who says it hs to be the type of man that I would normally find myself attracted to? Who says that they have to fit any sort of mold what-so-ever? Do you know what I am looking for in the man I fall in love with? Someone who will love me as well - as I am, problems, mannerisms, faults, and insanity.
I have been in love once in my life . . . I enjoyed it for what it was . . . savored the pain when it was over and moved on. I don't understand what most people consider love - I know that I loved that guy and it wasn't what others see love as. I didn't want him to live his life for me, I wanted him to live his life with me. I never wanted to casue him any pain in any way. I never thought of any other man taking his place. I respected his dreams and amibitions and helped him toward them when I could. I was never jealous becasue I knew he loved me and would not hurt me. I never thought about him cheating because he always came back to me. I never expected anything from him and in return received his everything. I cried when I had to let him go, that was when the reality of real love sunk in . . . when I waved good-bye as he got into that car. I loved him enough that when he offered to give up his plan and his dream to stay here with me as much as I wanted to say yes please please stay with me nad never go away I let him go. I let him go and do for himself over staying and making me happy. There are still days I kick myself for it but I have never doubted that I did he right thing. I want to feel all of that again. So I have fucking feelings . . . get over it.
This is where the silence will eventually make me deaf. I can sit and listen to myself think all day and night - but no one to share the thoughts with . . . just silence to throw them out into. Silence doesn't return anything except an eerie calm . . . I am ready for ripples and say fuck the calm.
Sorry - gotta stop here my sleeping pills must be kicking in because I am rambling heavier than usual. I'm gonna be away for a few days - mini getaway you may call it. I will try to check in on things while I am away but make no promises. I'll be back soon though seeing as how I have to work on Sunday. So now I must go rest up for the drive in a few hours.
