Wicked Lil Girl's blog: "Wicked Softness"

Have you ever had to make a decision that you had no idea how to make? A decision that affects the rest of your life but you can only base it upon the information that you have at hand? Yeah, I know we all do it, but this last one I made is killing me. I made a big decision that I am not sure I made correctly. So, what do you do then? I thought for so long and so much about the problem that I couldn’t have thought about it anymore. I asked everyone I could think of their opinion. I spent countless nights crying and losing sleep over the issue, but could still never find a resolution. So, after months of this torture I had to make up my mind for better or worse. Now, I am not so sure that I am going to get the better part of the deal. I talked to a friend one day who told me that if I had to think so long and so much about something then why was it worth the trouble and pain of doing so. That statement right there made me think that maybe I am thinking too much and if it were meant to be there would not be so much thought required. I have always believed in the idiom that if you love something let it go and if it returns then it is yours to keep . . . Well this situation did not involve love but the idea of it all still applies. I had to let something go to see if it were what I really wanted. I had to separate myself in order to look clearly at everything . . . In order to search and find what I need and what I want. Once I released what I had I felt a great release of guilt for a while, but then the new guilt set it. I felt bad for holding on to something that was not mine to hold, then once I let it go I felt bad for letting it slip away. I am selfish in this way; I want to have it even though it may not be mine to have. I have no claim to it; yet I yearn for it and the feelings it inspired. I want so badly to hold on to it, to cherish it, to never let it go . . . And at the same time I can’t hold it somewhere with me knowing that I have no idea of what my life holds for me. I can’t drag things into the unknown with me. I can’ handle the loss but on the other hand I can’t handle the guilt of holding something captive either. So, I had to let it go . . . If it is mine then I will have it again one day. I’ve taken so much criticism for my choice. I’ve taken so many hits and blows that have knocked me back. I’ve spent hours weeping over the choice I have made; the choice I have to live with. I’ve let people down and disappointed people with my choice but no one so much as myself. I am the one who sits here now aware of what I lost, aware of what I had to gain, aware of what can no longer be. Those who have spoken their minds I value what they have said, yet this is my life and I need to search and suffer on my own. So, what do you do when you have made a choice that you can’t fully back yourself in fact but can fully back with instinct? What do I do? I cry more and second guess until my heart no longer feels the desire and emptiness . . .

Have you ever met someone who you just connected with in some strange way? Someone that you have no reason for making a connection with but somehow you do anyway? Someone who you will sit and listen to no matter what they are talking about. Someone who will sit and listen to your pointless rambling no matter how many times it goes in circles, even if it never makes a point. Have you ever met that person? Well I thought I had . . . Ray and I had this odd connection that neither one of us could explain but it was instant and quit intense actually. I’m not sure what brought it about or what made it stick but something did and things were going so well . . . Until last night. Last night I’m not sure what happened, but something happened and I am not sure I handled it properly . . . Actually I know I didn’t, but neither did he. So, let me explain this so you can at least see where I am coming from with some of the things I say. Ray has not been himself since his mother died last week, now I understand that but will not let him use that as an excuse to hurt me. I have done nothing but try to support him mentally through this whole ordeal then last night he was worse than he has been yet. We were talking about whether or not we wanted to try to be exclusively seeing one another. I was asking him questions about what he considered exclusive and such (like does he expect me to stop flirting with people and all that). There was some further discussion on other topics as I had a little fun in bed and that is where the trouble really began. I was hearing all kinds of feedback on my phone during this . . . I could hear myself coming back in my ear but just figured it was because I was so close to the phone and all that. Then he told me that while I “cleaned up” that he was going to the bathroom . . . That was the last thing I heard . . . The phone started to click then squeal and screech and then just stopped doing anything. I thought his phone had died or something because when I tried to call him back I was getting an error message (honestly hadn’t thought about it being my phone). Finally, after a bit I got a text to go through and told him that I didn’t know what had happened and that I’d talk to him later. He sent me one back saying I had hung up on him, so I sent him one back saying no I hadn’t I thought he had done something and told him about the clicking . . . Then he sent me a text telling me that he had his phone on speaker phone and that he could hear EVERYTHING but didn’t hear any phone trouble. Now, I tried to figure out what he meant by this and tried to call and ask him but he wouldn’t answer the damn phone . . . So I gave up for the night. (Well I found out this morning that Nextel had a tower go down in this area and it wasn’t just my phone it was the entire system.) Anyway, today when he called I asked him what he meant by that and he told me that he thought another man had been there with me. Oh my god you have no idea how furious I was at this . . . I denied it and he still said he thought there was so I sternly told him that there was not anyone here with me. Now min you this is all going on while I am at work today, so I went downstairs to the bay to talk so I didn’t bother my partner. I listened when Ray told me it was just his mind acting funny and he wasn’t himself and blah blah blah . . . I finally told him that no it wasn’t his mind acting funny and as soon as I did he said I am better off without him and hung up on me. That pissed me off more than you can even imagine and I had to go deal with my supervisor at work in this state which made me even more irritated. I sent him angry and rude texts all the way to the 911 center and called about 50 times (not joking I really did). No response. This went on for hours, no response to texts, to calls, to messages online . . . And I was getting more and more pissed off at him the longer he ignored me. Here is the way I was seeing things, still do actually. He has repeatedly told me that he is different than everyone else, that he is not like the other guys I have met and or known in my life - but that stupid stunt right there showed that he is like the other guys I know. If he cared about me as much as he wants me to believe he does he never would have said that to me, that put many many doubts into my head about him. The fact that I kept texting and calling him also said a lot to me about whether or not I like him or not. I am forced to look at it this way right now - I care about him enough to try to reach him all day despite his obvious attempts to ignore me. I’ve searched my heart and my soul to try to figure out what that means - how I feel about where I am at in a relationship with him . . . And to be honest I just keep coming up confused. I have had to take so many things into consideration - his past, my past, the distance between us, his daughter, and my son . . . Everything if it was a possible scenario I thought about it today. So, here it is, here is what I have, here is what hours of thought and tears (ok so not really tears but there could have been) got me. I care about Ray more than I want to - I didn’t want to care about him at all. I didn’t want him to be around after the first night . . . But here it is a month later and he is still around. Do I see myself with him in the future - the two of us sharing a future? Hell, I have no idea it is possible of course, but just as likely that we won’t. Do I want to share a future with him? I am not sure about that either that is something that will have to develop on its own, but I am open to the possibility and that is more than I was a few days ago. About us being exclusively seeing one another - I think that may have to wait a lil bit longer honestly. I am not out searching for someone else and won’t do that, but I can’t make a promise of monogamy knowing that I may not keep that promise. So, my intentions with that are to keep things how they are for the most part except that I won’t go looking for other men (though women I will if I want dammit), we’ll keep a standing “date” for every other weekend where I know that he will be here unless he tells me otherwise and will let things develop naturally. I figure this way no one gets hurt if the other does spend a night with someone else (though I am sure if I did he wouldn’t want to know anyway) - ok wait hurt is not the word I want because hurt may happen but there will be no guilt that way, there is no exclusive commitment there to break. This goes both ways . . . He is free to do what he wishes with his time away from me and I am free to do with my time as I wish but the time we are together then that is it we are together. As I said though, this in no way means I am out looking for someone else - I am just being realistic about things. The distance between us and the amount of time between visits makes it a lil unfair at this point, this early, in the relationship to expect such a commitment I think. Now, as time goes on and the connection between us either grows or dissipates then this will be changed accordingly. I’m not sure how any of this will sit with him since I can’t give him the commitment he seeks right now. I can’t give him the I am going to fall madly in love with you promise that he needs. I can give him the truth which is that I care enough about him right now to try to make things work despite the trouble and space . . . I hope that is enough for him because it is all I have; A promise to stick around and try to make something out of what we have now. Ok I am done I am emotionally drained from all of this - damn feelings anyway J

You see a friend walking blindly into what is equal to the fires of hell, what do you do? Do you sit and watch this person burn slowly or do you turn your back and walk away? I know it is a metaphorical mess of a question, but none-the-less the type of thing I am faced with today. I have a friend who is in my mind is put in a situation where he is in essence walking into the flames, and I am not sure I can bear to watch him go through that pain. Ok, the situation is an ex coming back that hurt this person very badly . . . VERY badly. This ex now wants forgiveness and blah blah blah and I can’t tell my friend to accept the apology and take her back. I can’t watch him go through that bullshit again. I can’t sit back and watch him suffer just so she can be happy. The relationship was not that good the first time around but he would have never believed that, he loves this woman and never would have heard an ill word spoken about her. Which, honestly I do not know her so I can not say anything ill of her as a person, just for the way she treated my friend. I’ve always felt that relationships are meant to be 50/50, an equal opportunity destroyer if you will. Yet, for some reason it didn’t work that way, he was destroyed and she got to move happily along. This all happened months ago and she never showed an ounce of remorse for what she did to him. She never once tried to patch things up with him. As a matter of fact she was all loving and flirty with another man by what I understand and ex if I am not mistaken. I have never spoken with her, hell never even been to her page so I am going on what I heard on that one. Regardless though, she for some reason didn’t want to be with my friend a few moths ago and was very clear about that, but now all of a sudden she does again? Hmm, what happened I wonder, did her other ex decide that he didn’t want to be with her? Did she boot him and think that my friend would always be there to take her back . . . So then a month or two from now when she is over her little “anger” she can kick my friend off to the side again?! NO I do not have proof of this as a fact, just what I believe it to be. I believe the woman is not truly a woman if she is going to play games with someone’s heart, emotions, and life. You know what though? Months ago I pushed my friend to work things out with her, to do what it takes to make her happy . . . Bullshit I now feel she is too selfish and self centered to deserve the love my friend has for her. Yes yes I know that many of you are going to be thinking that I am jealous and that is why I am saying these things. Ok, I will give you that to an extent . . . I am jealous of the fact that he puts his entire emotional well being in this woman’s hands and I am the one who helps to pick up the pieces. I am jealous that she has had a great man in her life that she threw away and is now getting a second chance and will probably do the same again. Am I jealous of her relationship with him though . . . No I am secure with my relationship with him. He knows I care very deeply for him and would never try to hurt him. He knows that he can come to me any time day or night and I will be here for him. I told him some things last night though that needed to be said. I told him that as much as I love him and cherish his friendship I can not watch him go through that again. I can not watch him walk into those flames only to come out charred and burnt again. I watched him fall apart last time, I watched him crumble . . . I talked to him and listened to him all hours of day and night tell me how this was the love of his life. I listened and I consoled and I listened some more. I reminded him how much I care for him, how I stayed away from him because it made his girlfriend unhappy for him to talk to me. I gave up what I had with him so she could have what she wanted with him for her to throw him back at me bloody and bruised. I helped the wounds to heal and helped him get back on his feet for her to come back and pull this stupid shit. No, I will not do that again, I will not watch him collapse and I sure as hell won’t put him back together again. Who the hell am I kidding, yes I will. He will forgive her and take her back and try to live out his happily ever after. I will step back and never hear from him and never know what is going on with him. Then one day she will decide that he is not what she wants and he will come to me and I will do the same things again. I will listen to how wonderful she is and how he only wants to be with her and no one else will ever be that special to him and why can’t she see how amazing she is . . . I’ll agree that she is that great. I’ll bite my tongue and swallow my own blood just so he will never have to know how much it kills me. I’ll do whatever it takes to make him feel better - I’ll smile and console and comfort. I told him . . . It’s true what they say . . . Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. He hoped and hoped that she would come back to him . . . But does he really want that now? Of course he does . . . He loves her and no amount of me warning him will change that. So, what the hell would you do?

It’s amazing isn’t what you can make yourself believe when you really want to. The things you can hear and process and think, yes that is great, blows my mind. People are unbelievably gullible when they are needy aren’t they? They will find a way to see past all of the lies, the hidden truths and treachery and only see and hear what they are needing at the moment. Oh and of course there is the pain that soon follows this. We all fall victim to this when it comes to love I guess, yes myself included as much as I hate to admit that. People can be quite manipulative and shady when it comes to matters of the heart. People want to protect themselves so in turn they hurt others. They want to make sure that no one can hurt them so they keep many people around who are interested in them, telling each one how much they want to be with them. They tell each one the same thing and each one will believe they are the only one. It’s simple really, give the person what they are looking for . . . Love and the fact that someone wants them . . . And in return you get the security of knowing that all of these people have chosen to be with you. The problem arises when the people you are juggling meet one another on some level. You will be hurting as soon as these people discover one another. People don’t enjoy having their hearts and minds toyed with. You will be lucky to get off with a simple tongue lashing by time the experiment is complete. You may have one person that is so needy and desperate that they will stick around, but what good does only one person do you? You need to have many only one will never do. So, rather than enjoy the one who really cares and chose to forget and move forward with you, you chose to go forth and play the game again. You never once realize the game is a no win situation where everyone gets hurt in the end, yes even you. Love is no longer about love anymore to most people, it’s about ego. It’s about lets see how many people I can get to like me, how many I can get to want to be with me, how many I can get to want to give up everything for me. It’s sad when people view something as beautiful as love this way. If you can take love and the heart of another for granted and cause such pain and misery then what kind of life do you really have? Maybe before you start trying to pull person after person into your life you should analyze why you need to be needed as well.

Sunday August 19th Defiance, Ohio K-mart Parking Lot. gates at 5:00. Saliva performs at 9:30 also performing: Waiting to burn sirface and special guests!! In the summer of 2002 Jon met the guy’s in SALIVA and struck up a friendship with their drummer Paul Crosby. In 2004 Jon was diagnosed with STAGE 3 MELANOMA one of the most deadly forms of CANCER. After numerous surgeries and being forced to go on Social Security, Jon and his family were left with rising medical bill’s and limited income. That ‘s when his friend Paul Crosby and the rest of the guy’s in SALIVA decided to step in and help by donating their services for this benefit concert. All proceeds will be going to the Smith family. www.myspace.com/jonsmithbenefit

I’m never going to be that happy-go-lucky girl that giggles at everything and never gets angry. I’m never going to be that petite little blonde down the street. I’m never going to be the girl that pretends to be stupid just to make you feel smarter. I’m never going to be the girl who does things to ease your mind. I’m never going to be the girl who drinks champagne instead of beer. I’m never going to be the girl who sits in the corner and stays quiet. I’m never going to be the girl who gets jealous and wants to fight because some other girl thinks you are cute. I’m never going to be the girl that sits and cries all night over you. I’m never going to be the girl who conforms to societies norms. I’m never going to be the girl you want me to be. I’m never going to be that girl.

I’ve been crucified by desire Taken down by a longing I can’t control My heart was defeated The tears readily flow I’ve been crucified by my own mind Unable to keep a thought straight Overwhelmed by reality The tears readily flow I’ve been crucified by authenticity Thrown into a downward spiral My entire being crushed The tears readily flow

Why is it so hard to see someone you once loved so happy with someone else? You no longer want that person yet you find yourself aching when you know how happy they are without you. Why does that hurt so badly? Is it just a human emotion, is it normal? A few months ago there was a man I would have given anything to be with. I let myself open up to him only for him to decide that I was not what he wanted, that I could not make him happy, that I could not change enough to suit him. I took all that in stride; I sucked it up and moved on. I am still friends with him because I do care about him and want to see him happy . . . But now that he is I am finding it a little more difficult than I imagined. How childish is that huh? Am I that horrible really? I swear I am happy for him it just stings that he is so happy with someone else, that he is actually doing all the things with her that he was going to do with me . . . Stupidity sheer stupidity in my part I know. It’s like I know that what I am feeling is not jealousy because I have been jealous and this is not it . . . This is more an emptiness I think. I guess because he moved on to someone, who he apparently had before I gave him the excuse to walk away from me and I moved on to nothing. I am alone in this hell of a life I am living right now and he is happy as he can be starting a new life with the woman of his dreams . . . His epitome of perfection. I sound bitter . . . I’m not bitter though, like I said just empty and maybe feeling a little self pity which makes me feel even worse . . . Oh good lord. Maybe it is just the fact that he so easily found someone else who he could not only love but could love him in return and I can’t find someone to fulfill both for me. Maybe I am just feeling pathetic at the moment. Maybe it is just the lack of sleep and increase in stress making me act and think in ways that I normally does not think. Oh anyway I need to stop thinking about it and just finish painting my nails and go to fucking bed. Yeah that is what I will do . . .

*Before you read this please keep in mind that nothing I put in here is finished or even anywhere near being finished even* The blackness creeps in Dawn fades away The tears stopped Long ago The streaked face remains Memories rush and flood Time stands still I’m still not there You’re not here I’m alone Missing you You’re with him The clock must be broken The tears stopped Years ago Memories stop and dry Time stands still The clock must be broken

Ok, so now y'all have noticed that I no longer have my crush. Please rest assured people that I still have a crush on this person they are just no longer on the site is all, they found the site to be silly so deleted their account. I still talk to them and they know that I like them, and good lord if not then need to sit and think quite a bit about what I say. I did take some of your advice and tell the person a little more frequently that I like them. I am just in an odd place with it is all. I'm feeling some things that I haven't felt for a LONG time so I am spending a great deal of time in my head. But I do appreciate all the advice that I was given. This is just something that in time will either work or it won't. There is no way to change things such as that - either we mix well or we don't, pretty simple really. This is not something that I will stress myself over, so what I like the person, they know it, pretty sure they like me too . . . end f story :p.