Have you ever met someone who you just connected with in some strange way? Someone that you have no reason for making a connection with but somehow you do anyway? Someone who you will sit and listen to no matter what they are talking about. Someone who will sit and listen to your pointless rambling no matter how many times it goes in circles, even if it never makes a point. Have you ever met that person? Well I thought I had . . .
Ray and I had this odd connection that neither one of us could explain but it was instant and quit intense actually. Iím not sure what brought it about or what made it stick but something did and things were going so well . . . Until last night. Last night Iím not sure what happened, but something happened and I am not sure I handled it properly . . . Actually I know I didnít, but neither did he. So, let me explain this so you can at least see where I am coming from with some of the things I say.
Ray has not been himself since his mother died last week, now I understand that but will not let him use that as an excuse to hurt me. I have done nothing but try to support him mentally through this whole ordeal then last night he was worse than he has been yet. We were talking about whether or not we wanted to try to be exclusively seeing one another. I was asking him questions about what he considered exclusive and such (like does he expect me to stop flirting with people and all that). There was some further discussion on other topics as I had a little fun in bed and that is where the trouble really began. I was hearing all kinds of feedback on my phone during this . . . I could hear myself coming back in my ear but just figured it was because I was so close to the phone and all that. Then he told me that while I ďcleaned upĒ that he was going to the bathroom . . . That was the last thing I heard . . . The phone started to click then squeal and screech and then just stopped doing anything. I thought his phone had died or something because when I tried to call him back I was getting an error message (honestly hadnít thought about it being my phone). Finally, after a bit I got a text to go through and told him that I didnít know what had happened and that Iíd talk to him later. He sent me one back saying I had hung up on him, so I sent him one back saying no I hadnít I thought he had done something and told him about the clicking . . . Then he sent me a text telling me that he had his phone on speaker phone and that he could hear EVERYTHING but didnít hear any phone trouble. Now, I tried to figure out what he meant by this and tried to call and ask him but he wouldnít answer the damn phone . . . So I gave up for the night. (Well I found out this morning that Nextel had a tower go down in this area and it wasnít just my phone it was the entire system.)
Anyway, today when he called I asked him what he meant by that and he told me that he thought another man had been there with me. Oh my god you have no idea how furious I was at this . . . I denied it and he still said he thought there was so I sternly told him that there was not anyone here with me. Now min you this is all going on while I am at work today, so I went downstairs to the bay to talk so I didnít bother my partner. I listened when Ray told me it was just his mind acting funny and he wasnít himself and blah blah blah . . . I finally told him that no it wasnít his mind acting funny and as soon as I did he said I am better off without him and hung up on me. That pissed me off more than you can even imagine and I had to go deal with my supervisor at work in this state which made me even more irritated.
I sent him angry and rude texts all the way to the 911 center and called about 50 times (not joking I really did). No response. This went on for hours, no response to texts, to calls, to messages online . . . And I was getting more and more pissed off at him the longer he ignored me. Here is the way I was seeing things, still do actually. He has repeatedly told me that he is different than everyone else, that he is not like the other guys I have met and or known in my life - but that stupid stunt right there showed that he is like the other guys I know. If he cared about me as much as he wants me to believe he does he never would have said that to me, that put many many doubts into my head about him.
The fact that I kept texting and calling him also said a lot to me about whether or not I like him or not. I am forced to look at it this way right now - I care about him enough to try to reach him all day despite his obvious attempts to ignore me. Iíve searched my heart and my soul to try to figure out what that means - how I feel about where I am at in a relationship with him . . . And to be honest I just keep coming up confused. I have had to take so many things into consideration - his past, my past, the distance between us, his daughter, and my son . . . Everything if it was a possible scenario I thought about it today. So, here it is, here is what I have, here is what hours of thought and tears (ok so not really tears but there could have been) got me.
I care about Ray more than I want to - I didnít want to care about him at all. I didnít want him to be around after the first night . . . But here it is a month later and he is still around. Do I see myself with him in the future - the two of us sharing a future? Hell, I have no idea it is possible of course, but just as likely that we wonít. Do I want to share a future with him? I am not sure about that either that is something that will have to develop on its own, but I am open to the possibility and that is more than I was a few days ago. About us being exclusively seeing one another - I think that may have to wait a lil bit longer honestly. I am not out searching for someone else and wonít do that, but I canít make a promise of monogamy knowing that I may not keep that promise. So, my intentions with that are to keep things how they are for the most part except that I wonít go looking for other men (though women I will if I want dammit), weíll keep a standing ďdateĒ for every other weekend where I know that he will be here unless he tells me otherwise and will let things develop naturally. I figure this way no one gets hurt if the other does spend a night with someone else (though I am sure if I did he wouldnít want to know anyway) - ok wait hurt is not the word I want because hurt may happen but there will be no guilt that way, there is no exclusive commitment there to break. This goes both ways . . . He is free to do what he wishes with his time away from me and I am free to do with my time as I wish but the time we are together then that is it we are together. As I said though, this in no way means I am out looking for someone else - I am just being realistic about things. The distance between us and the amount of time between visits makes it a lil unfair at this point, this early, in the relationship to expect such a commitment I think. Now, as time goes on and the connection between us either grows or dissipates then this will be changed accordingly.
Iím not sure how any of this will sit with him since I canít give him the commitment he seeks right now. I canít give him the I am going to fall madly in love with you promise that he needs. I can give him the truth which is that I care enough about him right now to try to make things work despite the trouble and space . . . I hope that is enough for him because it is all I have; A promise to stick around and try to make something out of what we have now.
Ok I am done I am emotionally drained from all of this - damn feelings anyway J