How do you know when you are a horrible person? Do you base this information on the actions you choose in life, the reactions you choose in life, or the way that others see you in life? I ask because I have been told numerous times lately that I am a horrible person, that I am selfish, self centered, and that I do not have any morals what-so-ever. I have never thought of myself that way . . . Still don’t really, but I still find myself questioning whether or not it is true. I ask myself repeatedly . . . Can I be this monstrous person that these people claim I am?
I know that most of these people are basing these comments on the way I have been in the last month or so; the way I have treated one person and the way I have interacted with another. How can my entire being be based upon the actions and reactions I have with two people? I honestly do not believe that it can be; there are so many more facets to me than just these two men and the choices I have made concerning them. I am not just a two dimensional person that others feel I am based upon what they hear third person.
I am the first person to admit that I could have dealt with things better than I did in some ways, but I dealt with them how I saw fit at that time. Remember people hindsight is always 20/20 not foresight. I got tangled into a web of bad decisions that I am now battling my way out of. Let me tell you though, it is not so easy when each time you break the strands of the web that you find yourself bound in another place. I’m not sure how I will ever find my way out if this continues.
All of this began when I was hurt by a man a few months ago and couldn’t find it in myself to forgive him. I struggled greatly to find it in me to forgive this person but I just was unable to do so. The fact of the matter is that he hurt me more than I cared for him and that kind of damage can not be repaired. This man then tried everything he could think of in order to make me want him back in his life. He lied to me, and I mean he lied about some major things in life that can’t be overlooked. Then, when the lies didn’t work in his favor he began to degrade me in other ways. He told me how he thought that I had lied to him, how he couldn’t believe anything I said. He told me how I was hurting him on purpose and was taking pleasure in his pain. Then, finally, he tried to explain to me how I am so low that I am ruining a child’s life for my own selfish endeavors. Now, as if these things didn’t cut me deep enough on their own he has now had others attacking me as well. He has apparently been telling others some of my “horrible” deeds and they in turn harass me daily. It’s very childish of him I know, but why does he have to try to sway others into believing I am so awful just because I hurt him? I have left this man alone and stayed clear of him because I knew it was causing him pain, my friends do not attack him; yet here I am dealing with his attacking me every time I sign in online . . . Pitiful isn’t it?
Now, as for the other man I take such heated words over, it is a completely different situation altogether. I have only known this man a short time but have somehow managed to connect greatly with him in this amount of time. We met one night at a bar by sheer chance and have spoken to each other every day at least once a day since then. I have spent a great deal of time with him doing all sorts of activities. The situation is not ideal when it comes to this man, he is at a place in his life he doesn’t need any more complications and I am in all honesty a complication. He and I have spent hours talking about everything that we can think of and have found that we do have a great deal in common while at the same time the kind of differences that don’t push people apart.
The two of us both have a few common issues in life that we are dealing with and that no matter what need to be addressed . . . Such as how and if we can ever trust another person. He asked me the other night on the phone if I trusted him, and I told him that I am trying to because I really want to. I’m not sure what is driving me to want to trust him, to want to be with him, to want to have him with me . . . This is so far from anything else I have ever had happen to me in life. This man has the ability to make me smile just by seeing his name pop up on my phone . . . I am not sure I have ever had that happen to me before. Of course, this is not a good thing just as much as it is one too . . . The idea that I care this much is scaring the hell out of me because that means that I have opened myself up to being hurt, and I know that he has the ability to crush me.
I’m not sure what is going on between us, not sure what will go on between us in the future, I want to say that I am content with the way things are between us now, which I am; but I know that things can not stay in place but must move forward or never work. So, what does moving forward mean for us? It means accepting the situation that the other is in at this point in their life without judgment or jealousy . . . Which I might add is much easier to think than to actually do. It is hard to trust him with him being so far from me, as I am sure he has a hard time trusting me as well but I keep telling myself if it is meant to be it will be . . . And so far it has been.
I have no idea what the hell is going on in my life with either of these situations but am still trying to decide whether everyone else is right and I am that horrible because of them. I hurt one of them immensely and moved on without looking back . . . I found one that I do not want to let go of despite the situation in his life that scream that I need to. I guess this is one of those work it out on your own type of situations . . . Where I need to stop questioning and start accepting and let things fall where they will. I need to hold my head up, keep my eyes forward, and ignore the people who are not me and can’t possibly know why I have made the choices that I have. I need to just go forward and if I decide that I am such a horrible person on my own then embrace who I am and work with it and stop struggling against it.
