Donít you find it amusing how we tend to fall in love with those who are the absolute worst for us to fall for? We fall for those that we canít have no matter how much we desire and long for them; we torture ourselves with the obsession much more than they ever could with their own words. We tend to get ourselves involved in less than ideal situations despite the fact that we know realistically that we never should. We get our hearts broken and our tongues tied of our own doing, the one we fall for does not make us fall for them . . . We do that on our own. Now, it is true that the ones we fall for may manipulate us in some way shape or form in order to make the attraction greater or to speed up the process but in the end that decision to love or care is laid at our feet and not theirs.
I just went through all of this in my mind today when I had a free moment here and there . . . I didnít obsess over it but I came to that conclusion. In the end the pain and disappointment I suffered (and in some way am still suffering) are my own fault. I am the one who made my own choice, I let myself open up to someone that I thought I could trust . . . And found out that I shouldnít have eventually. It was a mistake made, a lesson learned, and I canít think about it anymore. I told the wife the other day that I stopped thinking about it; I donít need to think about it anymore, it only hurts me to think about it so I have had to let it all go.
I have realized all throughout my life that the lessons we need to learn in life are always so hard and so painful . . . But we do get the most from them. We learn so much more from what we lose than what we gain. The fact is that it is easy to acquire things . . . Hard to hold onto them at times . . . But usually hard as hell to let go of. People are also easily acquired in life; they come and go every day . . . We meet people, exchange pleasantries, and then eventually part ways. This is where it all becomes so involved and twisted and the pain starts to set in - at letting go of those that we are so sure we need.
People have this ability to convince themselves that in order to be a ďwholeĒ person that they NEED to have someone else be a part of their puzzle. In all fairness I can admit that it is easier to be happy when you have someone else in your life; but they arenít needed the way we delude ourselves into thinking that they are. We can be a whole person on our own without another person to ďcompleteĒ us. If we donít realize this at some point the cycle of pain and disappointment just continues to run and we spend our entire lives suffering. This comes back to the concept that we then fall for those that are bad for us in some way.
As I said we all do it - I did it - I am sure you have as well . . . We fall for that one person we are sure is meant for us. I do still believe that if you feel that way about someone that you are probably meant to be with them in some way and for some amount of time. The pain comes into play though when one of us realizes that the time for the ďrelationshipĒ is over and the other doesnít. I was at that point, as I am sure many of you have been as well. I could not accept that my time with the man I loved was over - that he had moved on and that I was nothing but a little blip in his memory bank. I didnít like that, it hurt me to know that he could say the things to me that he said and then just walk away as easily as he did; but that is life and life has never been fair and it never will be.
My situation is in no way unique nor have I ever once thought that is was . . . I only cared that I was suffering and that there were no words or actions to comfort me. I was seduced by words that I somehow longed to hear that I never realized I wanted to hear. Once they were spoken though I wanted to hear them all the time . . . I forced myself to believe them . . . I made myself see things the way that I wanted them to be. I never really lost sight of the world outside and the way that things appeared to others . . . I just didnít care is all. I was in love with a man who I knew was an asshole, who I knew none of my friends liked, who I knew was going to hurt me in the end. I never lost sight of the fact that I did make (and on occasion still do) excuses for the things that he did (and still does). I made these excuses not only out of love for him but out of understanding to some degree what he is going through in his life right now, understanding fear and confusion, as well as the fact that he is just a complete and utter asshole. I know now what I was doing was wrong, I knew it then, but I believed it, actually still do believe a large part of it . . . That is the price you pay for love in the end I guess.
I walked into that relationship with my eyes hazy with desires I never knew I had and I walked out of it with pain I never knew I could feel. My lesson was learned, will I ever repeat it though? Your guess is as good as mine . . . I am very good at walling myself up and shutting everyone out and there is a very good chance that is what I am going to once again do with myself. I may one day decide that love is worth trying again . . . But then again I may decide that love is not worth the pain it causes when it abruptly ends. I learned that to fall for the wrong person is at times inevitable but the actions you take once realization hits are all in your mind . . . None are right or wrong if they are what you want to do.
I have that comfort on my side; I did what I wanted to good and bad. I saw mistakes and I still made them. I saw doubt and chose to ignore it. I saw truth and failed to embrace it. I lost strength but am slowly regaining it. I will walk out of this whole ordeal a stronger person eventually only I do not know when that will be . . . Only I know it is not soon enough.