NoAngel's blog: "Complications"

Why oh why does this always end up happening to me? I move on with my life and then bam it all comes back somehow, some way. My life is already complicated enough as it is but this just keeps getting worse and worse. He was my first everything and he destroyed me. He wasn't the one who broke me but he is the one who broke my heart and walked out on me not once but twice. He comes back again and is once more telling me everything I want to hear and he is saying all the right things but can I actually believe him once more? He says that he loves me and would give anything to prove that to me but I can't do that now. He is still that same sweet talker that had me under his spell all of those years ago. This time I am not so easily swayed. I am keeping him at a distance and with good reason. I know that this isn't high school anymore and I want to believe him when he says that he is a changed man but I think that it is all too little, too late. I have too much on the line to lose what I have for someone who used me as a pawn in his game of love and treated me like an embarassment. I know that I am in no way hot, pretty, fine, attractive, sexy, fine, etc but at least when I was with someone else, they didn't treat me like an embarassment and they were proud to say that I was their girl no matter what.

I played my part in his games and now here we are as adults and I can't even begin to think about all of those feelings that were once there. I can't even honestly say if I still love him or not. One of those things that will stay unsaid and unknown until the time is right. He was my world, my rock, my everything and he blew all of that up because he couldn't man up and be who I needed him to be. Life went on without him and I fell in love 3 more times and that was that. He destroyed me and the man that I truly fell in love with and that took forever for me to get back in his good graces after what I did all because I thought that I didn't deserve to have a man that treated me like a queen, flaws and all.

He is the ex that drove me over the edge, he is the one who led me down a path of self destruction for 4 years until I finally got straight after a then co-worker helped me see things in a different light. I have changed my ways, I have grown up, and I have done my graveling and begging for forgiveness. I did what I did back then because I was done with him and his crap and it is what it is. If I killed us back in the day then so be it, I was done and apparently he wasn't done because he was still in love with me even though he had moved on several times himself. As much as I hated him for everything he did, I eventually forgave him for all that was done because in the end, he wasn't the worst one out of the 4 that I was seriously involved with. He forgave me for what I did to him which surprised me to say the least.

Now he is all talk and is so desperate to see me again but things just aren't that simple anymore and life has gone without him. He hit rock bottom and it took him hitting that low again to realize that I am the one he should have stayed with, the one who loved him without question, the one who cared for him without question, the one who wanted it to work out, the one who he thinks is his saving grace and his soulmate. If this is true, it will remain unsaid and unknown should the time ever be right. The things he says kinda gives me hope and thinking maybe he has changed but I just can't believe him until actions can speak louder then words. He put me thru hell and broke my heart twice and it is so hard to believe that he has changed his life around. How can I be someone's saving grace when all he did was control everything about who I was?