NoAngel's blog: "Complications"

How did my life get to be this much of a mess? He was the first everything to me and it imploded it twice and nearly destroyed me in the process. Why did it take almost 18 and 19 years for him to finally figure things out and hit rock bottom? How can he say that he thinks he loves me? It's one way or the other and right now, I really don't care. He put me thru so much hell and here he is trying to make ammends for what he did to me. This isn't high school anymore and all of the memories are coming back to haunt me and it is taking it's toll. All of those memories were supposed to be dead and buried but here he is, bringing out all of them and not sure if it's killing me again or if it's making me stronger. I am not the push over that I once was and he is not liking it too much. He was the hot guy in school and thought I was out of his league but in the end I was his pawn and his embarrassment and I am not about to go down that road again. I want honesty from him and that is all that I am wanting right now. He says he can be the guy I want with my expectations but I honestly don't know. I want to believe him so bad and that he has changed. He says all of the right things and I am praying with all of my might that he is not lying to me again. I know I killed things between us and after hearing everything years later, I just don't know anymore. I did what I had to do to get on with my life and I know that I did not handle things right at all but I was in a downward spiral and could not come back from that. He destroyed me and the actual 1st love of my life and I still have a hard time dealing with that one years later. That relationship is already fragile enough as it is. I have said I am sorry for everything I did to hurt him but I still feel as if karma is still making me pay for those past mistakes because he has no faith, no love, no trust, no honesty, no confidence, no, and no loyalty in me but who can blame him after what I put him thru. I thought I was saving him by pushing him away with all of my craziness but in the end I was the one who had no faith, no trust, no honesty, no confidence, and no loyalty in him, but I sure the hell loved him with all of what I had inside of me. He had my heart in a tight hold, under lock and key no matter what had happened but it all leads back to the one who destroyed us in the end and it was all of my fault for falling under his spell once more. I had the best with the one who is my actual first love and I was a dumbass for letting him interfere and destory the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was his Queen and he was my King and would have given me the world if I had asked him but I did not have enough faith in him and I will forever pay that price and in a way he keeps punishing me for my mistakes but can't say I blame him though. He made his decision and chose another who can never give him what I could've given him but I know she gave him everything I couldn't and it is what it is. He is the one who I will always love no matter what but life goes on and the feelings will always be there but they are not nearly as strong as they once were ever since I got my slap of reality. One day I hope that he can fully forgive me and see that I am not that same person anymore. Life goes on and so have I but things with the first love of my life continues to just get more and more complicated and not sure how to handle it all. One day at a time I guess.

I do need to quit changing my mind though about how the 4 guys I had a serious relationship rank. I flip flop so much and it's annoying the crap out of me. I guess when talking to my bestie, it just puts things in a different light for me. Ugh men and the complications that they bring.

I had my 1st love but seems more like puppy love but everything he is saying sounds so right and I want to desperately believe him.

I had my actual 1st love who had my heart under lock and key for 4 years until he let it go when he walked out of my life when I was 19. He was the first one that made me a priority and did not see me as a pawn or an embarrassment and was the best thing that had ever happened to me but I let my craziness destroy all of that because I did not think that I deserved to be treated like a Queen and instead of saving him, I destroyed him in the process.,

I had the love of my life who put me thru an actual hell that I can never forget but I did not let that stop me for forgiving him for everything and letting go of the past and not throwing it in his face everytime I turn around. I built a life with him in the end and I have no idea why I still love him after all that he has put me thru.

I had the supposed true, honest, love of my life who put me thru my 2nd hell and it hurt like hell loving him in the end. He was my drug. my addiction that made it so difficult to let go of at first. He was the biggest liar that I ever met and I wish that I had never met him but he was the hottie that I could not walk away from. He showed me who I was when it came to certain things and he showed me a different world then what I was used to. I didn't even cry when it ended, it just fueled my anger more then anything and aftger 14 and a half years later, I am still not over the anger and pain that he put me thru. How do I forgive this dude who wasn't man enough for me in the end?