NoAngel's blog: "Complications"

6 months ago, my true 1st love walked out on me once more. I have tried to keep in touch to no avail. This is karma serving it's justice for the hell I put him thru in high school. I hurt the one man who I truly loved because I was a dumnass and believed that I did not deserve to be treated like a queen and he did just that. I was scared, navie, and didn't want to drag him down the path of destruction that I was taking. It took a long time to get over him and a long time for him to let go of my heart. I never thought I would see the day where I would be over him after all of these years. He made it so easy to get over him finally and the feeling is somewhere between overwhelmed and relieved. He made his choices and I made mine. I miss his friendship the most but he is gone and I am doing what I have to do to live my life to the fullest. 

2 months ago, my 1st love walked out on me once more but of course I was this close to falling under his spell once more. He certainly knows how to say all of the right things and make me feel things that were dead and buried. Oh hell I was actually the devious one before his "truth" came out. I lied when I said that I still loved him, please did he honestly think I could still love a devious, lying, cheating, womanizing bastard who only saw me as a pawn and embarassment. I am no where near pretty, hot, etc but damn at least when I moved on, they weren't embarassed to be with me and that's when I finally figured him out once and for all. I was in love with him til I was 17 and after that, it finally turned to hate. I regret some of the things I did to him and it was uncalled for and it was out of control but I was done with the games and I am the one who put the final nail in the coffin. All I wanted was old wounds to heal, finally get my closure and maybe resume the friendship we once had  but he ended that when he announced his surprise engagement and surprise into fatherhood. If his girl only knew smh. I stepped away once more and done with the lies and bullshit once and for all.

Well, I can now say that both of my exes are offically gone now. The one who has been gone for almost 6 months kinda hurts that he walked but it is what it is. He couldn't be honest with me these last few years and so much for being a friend when he once needed someone to lean on. My life got complicated and apparently his did to. He still crosses my mind and haunts me in my dreams from time to time. I am to that point where I will always be attracted to him and that will never fade but I can honestly say that Iam no longer in love with him but I will always love him as a friend. He hasn't given me any reason to still be in love with him after all of these years because he sure the hell doesn't love me anymore and can't say that I blame him though after everything I put him thru when we were kids. He let my heart go and he chose someone else and of course let his friends influence him as well, story of my life. We weren't strong enough to get it to work out for another go around and I wasn't strong enough to break her spell. Oh well of he's happy then so be it. He stays on his side of town or in whatever state he may be in and I will stay right where I am.

Now for the scumbag, womanizing, lying, cheating ex, it has been almost 2 months since he walked away. Still the same bullshit as before. He doesn't know how to be honest to anyone and I wish to God I never met him. I don't love him anymore and I wonder just how he would react if he knew that I lied about being in love with him still. Please did he actually think I was going to do the same song and dance routine of running back when he felt like being with me. Sorry dude u burned that bridge years ago and there is no coming back from that. I fill with hatred everytime I figure out his game just as the feelings are returning and everthing he says sounds so good. Ugh he is nothing to me anymore. Have a nice life with your fiance/soon to be baby mama. So glad he is someone else's problem for the rest of her life and feel sorry for that kid he is having knowing tjat that kid will be scarred for life with an asshole like him for a father. He got his wish finally and all I can say is "See ya loser!"  I hate everything about him. I was his pawn and his embarrassment but no more of that. Should the day come when he has another "thought" where I am concerned, yeah it will be nasty.

When am I going to realize that he does not give a crap about me and never has? Ugh!!! When will I get it thru my head that I meant nothing to him? When will I realize that this was all a game? When will I realize that he is the biggest loser I ever dated? I was his embarrassmenr, his pawn, and his secret from the world. He could never acknowledge me as his and be proud to say "That's my girl, my baby who will always be there for me", nope that certainly wasn't him. It took 3 other guys and 1 female to show what he couldn't. I forgave this man for ripping my heart and my world apart years ago and it still isn't good enough. If he felt bad about what he has done, he would not still be running the same damn game from years ago. Geez dude, grow up and man up for once in ur sad little pathetic life. Ugh I want him out of my head and I need to stop thinking he gives a damn because clearly he doesn't and never will. He talks the game so well and knows how to get to me, just wish I was strong enough to let it all out towards him, but I just can't do that. I need to walk away for good.

She's the girl who always fell too hard and too fast til it crashed and burned all around her. She has fought her demons for years and years. Everytime she things that she has it under control, something or someone comes along and rips it all back up. She loves too much, she forgives too much, she wears her heart on her sleeve, and wonders why she can hardly trust a living soul anymore. He was the one she first said those three little words to and she always meant them to him and those who followed after him. She has been cheated, betrayed, and lied to more then once and always, always wants to see the best in him and them. He crawls back to her time and time again but this time she didn't jump at his beck and call like before. He said all the right things to her and her feeling things again and flashing back to everything that was good and bad about him. Then she sees exactly who he still is and once a liar, always a liar. She wishes he would learn to be honest for once and quit hiding behind the facade that he shows so well. 

It has been 3 weeks since I heard from the alluring ex. I don't chase, I don't beg, I don't plead, and don't cry for another chance. I have been this pathetic fool's side chick and wanna be side chick and I am not hear to play that game again. Oh did I hurt his little feelings when I didn't jump right back into his arms again? How stupid does he think I am? Wow yeah you've been single for a year my ass, go tell it to someone who cares because I don't. By the way I lied, I don't love him anymore. I said what I said and he disappared so fast figures as much, can't have someone as ugly as me loving him still. Yet I have gone back over the conversations over and over again and the one thing that stuck was that I owed us another chance because it was my fault we couldn't be together again back in high school. Yeah I owe you nothing you lying coward. You're engaged, I want nothing to do with you now. I have survived 18 years without you, I will survive 18 more. Ugh just grow up and learn to be honest for once in your sorry pathetic life. Oh well, this time it's on you, you killed me again and killed any chance of rebuilding a friendship. Hope you get the ending you wanted and the life you always wanted because this bitch will not be a part of it. 

She fell for a man 19 years ago who was so far out of her league and maybe his as well.

She fell for his eyes,

She fell for his charm,

She fell for his personality,

She fell for the words that flowed thru him,

She fell for the way he looked at her,

She fell for the bad boy persona,

She ultimately fell in love but he would destroy her in ways that can never be taken back. Now after all of this time, she is left wondering if she will ever really be able to trust him again. She is so very stand offish when it comes to wanting him to prove that actions speak louder then words. She forgave him years ago for the hell he put her thru and he did the same for her. She wonders though, if he is still running the same lame game as before. She knows what it felt like to be his pawn and his embarrassment and she will be damned if she goes there again. She wonders if he really is the changed man he says he is. How can she trust the one who ripped her world apart and ripped her from the only man who ever had her heart without fail. Everything seems to be going back to the old days and now she is not so sure how to think anymore.

I could be doing my famous jumping to conclusions thing once more or what I am feeling could be the truth once more. This feels like deja vu all over again. Here he is feeding me the lines I have waited 18 years to hear but it's the same mess all over again. Honestly how does he expect me to believe that he has really changed when he keeps using the same tactics over and over again. He doesn't love me, he doesn't give a damn about me, and he doesn't want anything from me. Just to get under my skin again his is freaking motive. Ugh maybe I am wrong and this isn't like the past but it feels like it so much. It's been 4 days since I heard from him and just like when we were kids when he said he would call and never would except now it's all about the social media. A part of me wants to be wrong this time and he really has changed if I could give him the chance to prove himself. He nearly destroyed me and here he is playing the same damn boring game once more. I get it, he has an active imagination where I am concermed but this is all part of his game. I am once again the pawn and the embarrassment and my dumbass played right into it again. That's okay, I am not who I was and life has gone on without him anyways.

How did my life get to be this much of a mess? He was the first everything to me and it imploded it twice and nearly destroyed me in the process. Why did it take almost 18 and 19 years for him to finally figure things out and hit rock bottom? How can he say that he thinks he loves me? It's one way or the other and right now, I really don't care. He put me thru so much hell and here he is trying to make ammends for what he did to me. This isn't high school anymore and all of the memories are coming back to haunt me and it is taking it's toll. All of those memories were supposed to be dead and buried but here he is, bringing out all of them and not sure if it's killing me again or if it's making me stronger. I am not the push over that I once was and he is not liking it too much. He was the hot guy in school and thought I was out of his league but in the end I was his pawn and his embarrassment and I am not about to go down that road again. I want honesty from him and that is all that I am wanting right now. He says he can be the guy I want with my expectations but I honestly don't know. I want to believe him so bad and that he has changed. He says all of the right things and I am praying with all of my might that he is not lying to me again. I know I killed things between us and after hearing everything years later, I just don't know anymore. I did what I had to do to get on with my life and I know that I did not handle things right at all but I was in a downward spiral and could not come back from that. He destroyed me and the actual 1st love of my life and I still have a hard time dealing with that one years later. That relationship is already fragile enough as it is. I have said I am sorry for everything I did to hurt him but I still feel as if karma is still making me pay for those past mistakes because he has no faith, no love, no trust, no honesty, no confidence, no, and no loyalty in me but who can blame him after what I put him thru. I thought I was saving him by pushing him away with all of my craziness but in the end I was the one who had no faith, no trust, no honesty, no confidence, and no loyalty in him, but I sure the hell loved him with all of what I had inside of me. He had my heart in a tight hold, under lock and key no matter what had happened but it all leads back to the one who destroyed us in the end and it was all of my fault for falling under his spell once more. I had the best with the one who is my actual first love and I was a dumbass for letting him interfere and destory the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was his Queen and he was my King and would have given me the world if I had asked him but I did not have enough faith in him and I will forever pay that price and in a way he keeps punishing me for my mistakes but can't say I blame him though. He made his decision and chose another who can never give him what I could've given him but I know she gave him everything I couldn't and it is what it is. He is the one who I will always love no matter what but life goes on and the feelings will always be there but they are not nearly as strong as they once were ever since I got my slap of reality. One day I hope that he can fully forgive me and see that I am not that same person anymore. Life goes on and so have I but things with the first love of my life continues to just get more and more complicated and not sure how to handle it all. One day at a time I guess.

I do need to quit changing my mind though about how the 4 guys I had a serious relationship rank. I flip flop so much and it's annoying the crap out of me. I guess when talking to my bestie, it just puts things in a different light for me. Ugh men and the complications that they bring.

I had my 1st love but seems more like puppy love but everything he is saying sounds so right and I want to desperately believe him.

I had my actual 1st love who had my heart under lock and key for 4 years until he let it go when he walked out of my life when I was 19. He was the first one that made me a priority and did not see me as a pawn or an embarrassment and was the best thing that had ever happened to me but I let my craziness destroy all of that because I did not think that I deserved to be treated like a Queen and instead of saving him, I destroyed him in the process.,

I had the love of my life who put me thru an actual hell that I can never forget but I did not let that stop me for forgiving him for everything and letting go of the past and not throwing it in his face everytime I turn around. I built a life with him in the end and I have no idea why I still love him after all that he has put me thru.

I had the supposed true, honest, love of my life who put me thru my 2nd hell and it hurt like hell loving him in the end. He was my drug. my addiction that made it so difficult to let go of at first. He was the biggest liar that I ever met and I wish that I had never met him but he was the hottie that I could not walk away from. He showed me who I was when it came to certain things and he showed me a different world then what I was used to. I didn't even cry when it ended, it just fueled my anger more then anything and aftger 14 and a half years later, I am still not over the anger and pain that he put me thru. How do I forgive this dude who wasn't man enough for me in the end?

Why oh why does this always end up happening to me? I move on with my life and then bam it all comes back somehow, some way. My life is already complicated enough as it is but this just keeps getting worse and worse. He was my first everything and he destroyed me. He wasn't the one who broke me but he is the one who broke my heart and walked out on me not once but twice. He comes back again and is once more telling me everything I want to hear and he is saying all the right things but can I actually believe him once more? He says that he loves me and would give anything to prove that to me but I can't do that now. He is still that same sweet talker that had me under his spell all of those years ago. This time I am not so easily swayed. I am keeping him at a distance and with good reason. I know that this isn't high school anymore and I want to believe him when he says that he is a changed man but I think that it is all too little, too late. I have too much on the line to lose what I have for someone who used me as a pawn in his game of love and treated me like an embarassment. I know that I am in no way hot, pretty, fine, attractive, sexy, fine, etc but at least when I was with someone else, they didn't treat me like an embarassment and they were proud to say that I was their girl no matter what.

I played my part in his games and now here we are as adults and I can't even begin to think about all of those feelings that were once there. I can't even honestly say if I still love him or not. One of those things that will stay unsaid and unknown until the time is right. He was my world, my rock, my everything and he blew all of that up because he couldn't man up and be who I needed him to be. Life went on without him and I fell in love 3 more times and that was that. He destroyed me and the man that I truly fell in love with and that took forever for me to get back in his good graces after what I did all because I thought that I didn't deserve to have a man that treated me like a queen, flaws and all.

He is the ex that drove me over the edge, he is the one who led me down a path of self destruction for 4 years until I finally got straight after a then co-worker helped me see things in a different light. I have changed my ways, I have grown up, and I have done my graveling and begging for forgiveness. I did what I did back then because I was done with him and his crap and it is what it is. If I killed us back in the day then so be it, I was done and apparently he wasn't done because he was still in love with me even though he had moved on several times himself. As much as I hated him for everything he did, I eventually forgave him for all that was done because in the end, he wasn't the worst one out of the 4 that I was seriously involved with. He forgave me for what I did to him which surprised me to say the least.

Now he is all talk and is so desperate to see me again but things just aren't that simple anymore and life has gone without him. He hit rock bottom and it took him hitting that low again to realize that I am the one he should have stayed with, the one who loved him without question, the one who cared for him without question, the one who wanted it to work out, the one who he thinks is his saving grace and his soulmate. If this is true, it will remain unsaid and unknown should the time ever be right. The things he says kinda gives me hope and thinking maybe he has changed but I just can't believe him until actions can speak louder then words. He put me thru hell and broke my heart twice and it is so hard to believe that he has changed his life around. How can I be someone's saving grace when all he did was control everything about who I was?

They say the past is the past. There are times were sometimes the past can be okay and other times, I just wish it never happened. How is that the man who was my first everything realize have 19 years that he made a mistake with me and now all of the sudden can't stand the thought of not being without me? For me it's too little too late. I moved on years ago from him. He destroyed me as a teenager and he thinks that saying sorry or seeing me is going to fix things just like that, I think not. I forgave him for what he did to me and vice versa. I was his pawn in his games of embarrassment and shame. I fought for too long back in the day to hold on to something that was never real to him. He says all of the right things and I want to believe him but I know deep down it's all going to be the same song and dance over and over again until one of us is dead. He destroyed me and the one who I truly loved because my dumbass chose to believe his lies. He let other people influence him and it cost him in the end. He was the first one to rip my heart out but he wasn't the worst nor was he the last. I want so much to wreck his world like he wrecked mine when we were kids but I know two wrongs don't make a right. Ugh he is making things impossible, putting way too much on me, and becoming obsessive once again. My life is my life now and I have too much on the line to play games. He wants to give ultimatiums then so be it but it's not going to tear me apart should he walk away again. I know how to end this once and for all but he needs to understand that if he wants to rebuild a friendship fine but if he doesn't then so be it and keep on walking right out the door, no more heartbreak, no more feelings of hopliness, no more feelings of being unworthy, and certainly no more feelings of any kind other then friendship maybe. He can tell me loves me over and over again and even if he could prove it, I don't honestly think that my mind will change. This rollercoaster ride we have been on for years most likely will continue for another 19 years the way this is going.