tomcat69s's blog: "stuff"

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted After a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's just great.........that's really great..........Some ass hole's got my pen

Made in the USA : Spoiled brats The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence, 2/3rds of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?'' Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bulletproof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way...... Insane! Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad. WE ARE THE MOST BLESSED PEOPLE ON EARTH, WE SHOULD THANK GOD SEVERAL TIMES PER DAY..... I do.....do you?

Subject: More Red-neck News > A North Carolina redneck passed > > away and left his entire estate in > > trust for his beloved widow. > > However, she can't touch it > > until she turns 14. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Folks in Georgia now go to > > some movies in groups of > > 18 or more. They were > > told 17 and under are not > > admitted. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The minimum drinking age in > > Tennessee has been raised to > > 32. It seems they want to keep > > alcohol out of the high schools. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > In Mississippi , reruns of "Hee Haw" > > are called documentaries. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > How can you tell if a West Virginia > > redneck is married? There's dried > > tobacco spit on both sides of his > > pickup truck. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 > > State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a > > year for a million years. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Recently, the Governor's Mansion > > in Little Rock burned down. In fact, > > it took out the whole trailer park. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The best thing to ever come out > > of Arkansas is Interstate 40. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > (And my very favorite......) > > An Alabama State Trooper stopped a > > pickup truck. He asked the driver, > > "Got any ID?" The driver said, > > "Bout what?"

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer. @ PRISON @ WORK p you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell w you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle p you get three meals a day fully paid for w you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it p you get time off for good behavior w you get more work for good behavior p you can watch TV and play games w you could get fired for watching TV and playing games p you get your own toilet w you have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat p they allow your family and friends to visit w you aren't even supposed to speak to your family p all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required w you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners p you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out w you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!! Now get back to work?. J

Life has taught me - ALL OF THESE ARE TRUE!!! > > Law of Mechanical Repair > After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to > itch or you'll have to pee. > > Law of the Workshop > Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. > > Law of Probability > The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the > stupidity of your act. > > Law of the Telephone > If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. > > Law of the Alibi > If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat > tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. > > Variation Law > If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will > start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). > > Law of the Bath > When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. > > Law of Close Encounters > The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically > when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. > > > Law of the Result > When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. > > Law of Bio mechanics > The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. > > Law of the Theater > At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle > arrive last. > > Law of Coffee > As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask > you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. > > Murphy's Law of Lockers > If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have > adjacent lockers. > > Law of Rugs/Carpets > The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a > floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of > the carpet/rug. > > Law of Location > No matter where you go, there you are. > > Law of Logical Argument > Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. > > Brown's Law > If the shoe fits, it's ugly. > > Oliver's Law > A closed mouth gathers no feet. > > Wilson's Law > As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop > making it. > > Doctors' Law > If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by > the time you get there you'll feel better. > Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long- handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY... There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: (I bet his life will be miserable after the NAACP sees this!) # 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. # 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat. # 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music. # 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. # 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr. # 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. # 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. # 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition. # 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR... #1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

A certified redneck and his wife, had 9 children. They went to > the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly > started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make > the decision--why after nine children, would > they choose to do this. > > The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of > every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they > didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of > them could speak Spanish. >

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH! 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim, Patty and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and they messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. We'll be right back.

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane > > when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador > > retriever in the middle seat next to the man. > > > > The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the > > dog is > > allowed on the plane. > > > > The second man explained that he is a Drug Enforcement Agent and that > > the dog is a "Sniffing dog" > > > > . > > > > "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you > > once we > > get airborne, when I put him to work." > > > > The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent > > says: "Watch > > this." > > > > He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along > > the aisle, > > and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several > > seconds. > > Sniffer returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm. > > > > > > > > The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That > > woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat > > number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." > > > > "That's brilliant" replies the first man. > > > > Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. > > > > The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, > > returnsto its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the > > agent's arm. > > > > The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm > > making a > > note of his seat number for the police." > > > > "I like it!" says his seat mate. > > > > The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. > > > > Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat > > down for a > > moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle > > seat and proceeded to defecate all over the place. > > > > The first man is really upset by this foul behavior and can't > > work out > > why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent > > > > "What's going on?" > > > > The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"