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tomcat69s's blog: "my blog"

created on 01/17/2007  |  http://fubar.com/my-blog/b45509

blonde

How a blonde handles an emergency stop. A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It was not very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?" "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... "Oh, those are my emergenc

pet fish

PET FISH. . . A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that." The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government

walmart

Only In Wal-Mart > > I like this greeter's sence of humor! > > A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with > her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through > the entrance. She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes > in it and wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. > When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth > with more than a few missing. > > The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. > Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" > The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! > The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell > would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" > > "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice. >

bubba

> > >> Bubba went to a psychiatrist. > > >> "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody > > under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." > > >> "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come > > talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those > > fears." > > >> "How much do you charge?" > > >> > > >> "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." > > >> "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. > > >> Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you > > ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the > > psychiatrist. > > >> "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful > > lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved > > all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!" > > >> "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" > > >> "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there > > now!!!" > > > > > > > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >

iffff

If we had sex : 1. Would you be in control? 2. Would you let me pull your hair? 3. Would you whisper in my ear? 4. Would you talk dirty to me? 5. Would you kiss me with a little tongue or a lot of tongue? 6. Would you say my name? 7. Would you go down on me? 8. Would you let me give you a hickie? 9. How many rounds would we go? 10. What would you wanna do afterwards? 11. Would you take off all your clothes then take mine off slowly? 12. Would you lick and bite me all over? 13. Would you like to play or get straight to the point? 14. Would you want me to take my time? 15. How freaky are you, 1 - 10? 16. Would you want me to go fast or slow? 17. Where would you wanna "do it"? 18. Would you be loud or quiet? 19. Would you mind if i licked you? 20. Would you date me? 21. Would you do it today? 22. Would you do it tomorrow?

fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?" The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley." The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestled in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of." The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter. A year goes by ... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again. The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

advice

10 Things Good Girls Can Learn from Porn Stars I think there is a lot of good advice in the following....... 1. Show a Little Enthusiasm, Baby! Good Girl Approach: Many of us have been taught that sex is not a high priority, so when your guy wants to do the horizontal tango, you make excuses or treat it like another chore on your to-do list. Porn Babe Secret: They enjoy what feels good without reservation — and they show their partners how excited they are by engaging them with their speech and movements. They understand that diving into the sack with someone who isn't into it is like sharing a "romantic" meal with someone who's watching television. Tantalizing Tip: Take the initiative! Wake him up with a below-the-belt kiss. Send him a naughty text message midway through the day. In bed, get into the moment by looking into his eyes and telling him how eager you are to be with him. 2. Speak Up! Good Girl Approach: Your sack sessions hardly leave you invigorated, but you're scared that any attempt to spice things up will make you seem like a tramp. Porn Babe Secret: Toss the dated worries — liking sex doesn't make you a hussy; it makes you human. Tell him how much you enjoy it when he kisses that special spot, or mention something you're craving in the heat of the moment! Just asking for something new can be a huge turn-on for both partners. Tantalizing Tip: Pop open a bottle of wine and initiate a little game of truth-or-dare. Or surprise him with a spicy flick and point out the scenes you'd be open to trying. There's a good chance he'd like to experiment, too, but is keeping it to himself because he doesn't want to offend you. 3. Love Those Thighs! Good Girl Approach: You hate your hips, your backside is less than baby-smooth, blah, blah, blah. Porn Babe Secret: They know that men love sex — he's absolutely thrilled when your thighs are wrapped around him, dimples and all. He would never forgo what feels good to accommodate something as silly as a body insecurity or two. Tantalizing Tip: Illuminate the bedroom, living room or even kitchen with candles, which give a soft glow that glides over perceived imperfections. Give him the visualization he craves and get off (pun intended) on the fact that you are the reason for every moan and squirm your man makes! 4. Know Thyself! Good Girl Approach: You find masturbation embarrassing or shameful, so you rarely try it (and never admit to it when you do). Porn Babe Secret: Make like a seasoned porn babe and figure out what works for you by caressing your thighs, breasts and everything in between. Not knowing what feels good is like taking a cross-country road trip without a map! Tantalizing Tip: If you're like many gals and the manual approach leaves you feeling less than thrilled, simply find something else to tickle your fancy. After a few solo sessions, bring your man into the action for a steamy one-on-one lesson. 5. Get a New Bedtime Script! Good Girl Approach: Your pillow talk doesn't get much racier than a few "oh, baby's" tossed in with a few "you feel so good's." Porn Babe Secret: Men are competitive by nature, and they love to know they are the best at whatever it is they're doing, including you. Porn babes know that just hearing a female verbally tap into the action is enough to make him explode. Tantalizing Tip: Get comfy with the saucy talk by writing down some sexy thoughts and reading them out loud alone a few times. In bed, start small by giving him a play-by-play of the action, telling him what he's doing to you or asking questions such as, "Do you like it when I [insert verb here] you?" 6. Get a Little Uncomfortable! Good Girl Approach: Your weekend look of sweats and ponytails has become as fun as your weekly date with the treadmill. Sound exciting? Yeah, we didn't think so. Porn Babe Secret: Men are visual creatures (that's why porn babes are in business!). These gals work this to their advantage and don sexy lingerie and even (gulp!) keep their heels on during the deed, all to enhance the experience. Tantalizing Tip: Slip on a thong underneath your yoga pants, or meet him at home in nothing but heels and a great hairdo. Surprising him with something new will show him that he's worth the effort, which will spark his heart as well as his, um, interest. 7. Come On, Gals, Fantasize! Good Girl Approach: You'd never admit to daydreaming about being intimate with two men or kissing another woman, even if you do — and the thought of your man having a sex dream about Heidi Klum in bed is enough to bring you to tears. Porn Babe Secret: They do things most of us wouldn't, but the lesson is in their approach, not in their actions. They don't judge the desires of their partners or take offense at what turns them on. Just because your guy fantasizes about a threesome doesn't mean he doesn't love you or even that he would want to participate in one in real life. As long as the boundaries of your relationship are maintained, fantasizing is healthy aspect of sexuality. Tantalizing Tip: Try verbal exploration! Talk him through a threesome or ask him to pretend he's a stranger. Sharing these kinds of experiences will not only spark amazing sex, but they will also build trust and intimacy, which is always sexy. Discuss boundaries beforehand (some couples have a code word to signal the other to stop when acting out scenarios), and remember, comfort is key, so don't participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable. 8. Get Creative with the Merchandise! Good Girl Approach: You have an idea of what works for your guy, which is why you do it again and again and… Porn Babe Secret: They know their partner has dozens of hot buttons — from his toes to the back of his neck — and that half the fun is finding out what works and what doesn't. Tantalizing Tip: Gently pinch or bite his nipples or kiss his chest and stroke his stomach gently with your nails. When you go below-the-belt, pay attention to all parts of the package by gently tracing his scrotum with your tongue or pressing on his perineum (the area between his penis and his anus). 9. Be a Little Selfish! Good Girl Approach: You're tired and overworked, and you haven't been to the gym in ages. You'd love to get your hair done and take that Spinning class, but you promised you'd run errands for your sister (again). Porn Babe Secret: While good girls are taught to deprive themselves, porn babes make self-maintenance a high priority. Tantalizing Tip: Whether it's a manicure, a blowout or just slathering on a luxurious cream before bed, do something that makes you feel and look good more than once a month. Feeling like you're worth the splurge will not only boost your confidence, it will make you glow — and that's hotter than any bustier on the market. 10. Stop Doing Favors! Good Girl Approach: You perform oral sex as a "gift" for whatever special day, or tell him that if he's good, you'll let him try a new position. Porn Babe Secret: Sexual desire is not a male-specific attribute, nor is it something that should be rationed. In fact, it's practically as essential to a full life as food, water and shelter. Porn babes do things they know their partner will enjoy, while asking for what they want in return. Tantalizing Tip: No one wants to feel like they are being manipulated or treated like a charity case, so keep the bureaucracy out of the bedroom. Find out what your partner likes, and as long as you are comfortable with it, give it to him generously. The only "requirement" you should have is that he reciprocate on the same level. His taking out the trash isn't a reason to give him a blow job — your turning him on is.
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