stuff Blog by tomcat69s
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tomcat69s's blog: "stuff"

created on 01/20/2007  |  http://fubar.com/stuff/b46710
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH: 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's work boots, used, size 14-16. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim: I went for more shotgun shells and to pick my check up from the slaughterhouse. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls-- don't know what got into them, but they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait out here on the porch. "Cooter"
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?" "About a gallon."
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
thought for the day ignorance is fixable stupid is forever
thought for the day if you cant get along with a dumb animal that only wants to please you then you must have some sort of problem
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he > > tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop, right on his twitchy > > little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean > > to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see. " > > > > "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was > > my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't > > see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" > > > > "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've > > never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." > > > > So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, > > and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and > > a dear twitchy little nose You must be a bunny rabbit!" > > > > The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind > > of animal are you?" > > > > The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine > > him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind > > of an animal am I?" > > > > The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, > > you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must > > be a Democrat.
Subject: FW: Letter to the Editor > > NOT printed in the Orange County Paper................... > > > Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they > either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree > with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a > great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with > your help it will get published via cyberspace! > > New Immigrants > From: "David LaBonte" > > My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC > Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to "print" > it myself by sending it out on the Internet. > Pass it along if you feel so inclined. > Dave LaBonte (signed) > > > Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in the Orange > County Register: > > Dear Editor: > > So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is > made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear > down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't > being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and > other ports of entry.< /I> > > Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like > Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind > of immigrant any longer. Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all > areas of Europe to come to the United States , people had to get off a > ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some > would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They > made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good > and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new > American households and some even changed their names to blend in with > their new home. > > They had waved good bye to their birth pla ce to give their children a > new life and did everything in their power to help their children > assimilate into one culture. > > Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws > to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they > had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of > their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father > fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from > Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation > Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had > come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the > Emperor of Japan . They were defending the United States of America as > one people. When we liberated France , no one in those villages were > looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish > American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one > flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons > would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving > it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their > parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly > knew what it me ant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot > into one red, white and blue bowl > > And here we are in 2007 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the > same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing > with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card > and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, > that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the > immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve > better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising > future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those > legally searching for a better life I think they would be appalled > that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country > flags.< ?/color> > > And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty , it > happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the > immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the > United States just yet. > (signed) Rosemary LaBonte > > P. S. Pass this on to everyone you know!!! > > KEEP THIS LETTER MOVING!! > I hope this letter gets read by millions of people all across the > nation!!
____________ ________ You stay up for 16 hours He stays up for days on end. ____________ _________ ____ You take a warm shower to help you wake up. He goes days or weeks without running water. ____________ _________ _____ You complain of a "headache", and call in sick. He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward. ____________ _________ _____ You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends. He still fights for your right to wear that shirt. ____________ _________ _____ You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket. He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags. ____________ _________ _____ You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you. He knows he may not see some of his buddies again. ____________ _________ _____ You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls. He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists. ____________ _________ ____ You complain about how hot it is. He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow. ____________ _________ _____ You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong. He doesn't get to eat today. ____________ _________ _____ Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes. He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean. ____________ _________ _____ You go to the mall and get your hair redone. He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today. ____________ _________ _____ You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over. He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months. ____________ _________ _____ You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight. He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home. ____________ _________ _____ You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday. He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume. ____________ _________ _____ You roll your eyes as a baby cries. He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet ____________ _________ _____ You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything. He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting. ____________ _________ _____ You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him. He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded. ____________ _________ _____ You see only what the media wants you to see. He sees the broken bodies lying around him. ____________ _________ _____ You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't. He does exactly what he is told. ____________ _________ _____ You stay at home and watch TV. He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat. ____________ _________ _____ You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable. He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long. ____________ _________ _____ You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him. If only there were more men like him ____________ _________ ______ If you support your troops, send this to all your friends with a "HOOAH!" in the title. If you don't support your troops well, then don't send it anywhere, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your freedom. Always in His Service God's Will only... Nothing more... Nothing less...
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

daddy

Daddy the Dancer One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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