feeling really bleh and depressed today and i'm not sure why. especially right now. earlier i was just feeling pissy. maybe it's just one of those days and shall pass, i don't know where it comes from really. guess it's just loneliness again as always. i donno. it's times like these it seems i ussually seem to dream of ravyn the most clearly, so i wonder if she'll be there tonight or if she's finally left my side.
the annoying thing is i'm not sure whether i want her to leave my heart or not. i guess it depends on what's right. i want to feel inlove but only for the right person, and not soemthing that isn't real. it's always a battle of do i hold on or let go. not wanting to let go of love, but not wanting to hold onto something fake when you ought to be saving it for something real. seems i've come across this problem alot this year.
i've taken ravyn's pictures off my walls and ended up putting them back up i don't know how many times. then i started to fall for danielle, and couldn't stop staring at her picture on myspace. she's happy now though which is good and has made my feelings rather die because she doesn't need me, though i don't know that she ever did. i have kind of stopped talking to danielle though i still think of her at times. it seems ever since i told her i liked her she closed off to me and we stopped talking about important things in life, it's always just me doing the talking though it seems to be that way with almost everyone. i am always the only to open up, maybe that's why i don't open up? i don't know.
i left a messege on rochelle's cell of a song ive kind of been writing that's been stuck in my head and ive been singing it constantly for the last two or three days. its not written down with specific words just ive been kind of messing around with the same idea. i dont know if she got the messege. when we don't talk it feels like she isn't there which is sad, i want something to stay. a feeling that doesn't leave me alone and cold at the end of the day when i lay down to sleep. i want to be consumed by her love, or let it go entirely. but, life is too confusing to try and understand ofcourse with the nature of how i am i will never stop trying. i will over think, over care, try to hard, fall down and lose my strength just to get up again clinging to anything that will keep me alive. let me live or make me die.
